Boston, Massachusetts (THE IT OF THAT) Further examination of the brain scan of RFK Jr.’s 70 year old worm eaten brain have revealed something even more startling, the worm’s suicide note…and the suicide was assisted.

“I can’t take it any more,” the note starts, explaining the severe anguish that led to the worm’s desperate attempt to end its life.

“What was the best of times, rapidly turned into the worst of times.”

“I thought I had it made when I passed the ‘blood brain barrier,’ " the worm wrote, seemingly presented with a nearly inexhaustible supply of healthy brain tissue, but the tissue was sadly far from healthy.- RFK Jr.'s Brain Worm

“I thought I had it made when I passed the ‘blood brain barrier,’ " the worm wrote, seemingly presented with a nearly inexhaustible supply of healthy brain tissue, but the tissue was sadly far from healthy.

“The long term effects of RFK Jr.’s heroin addiction and mercury poisoning on his brain tissue were devastating.”

“I grew more crazy by the minute, the more I ate, the crazier I became. Soon I was even starting to believe his anti-vax theories.”

“Think of how f*cking crazy that is, I’m not a virus, I’m a f*cking parasitic worm!” 

"The suicide note ends with, “I was convinced that the only way to end my torment was to convince RFK Jr. to ingest sheep drench de-wormer.”

And that's... THE IT OF THAT

"Robert F. Kennedy Jr." by Gage Skidmore is licensed under CC BY 2.0

Lincoln, Nebraska (THE IT OF THAT) A ten year old child from Nebraska has defeated Artificial Intelligence (AI). "It was easy," said Lawrence (Larry) Yancey, "I didn't even miss recess." The challenge consisted of solving twelve successively more difficult 'CAPTCHA's',  or Completely Automated Public Turing test to tell Computers and Humans Apart) those annoying little picture boxes that AI needs to be trained on by humans to recognize.  

“Should I trust AI to write an essay, if it can’t figure out what a cross walk looks like?” -Lawrence (Larry) Yancy

Told that he was training Google’s AI by completing their CAPTCHA challenge, Larry was surprised. “Should I trust AI to write an essay, if it can’t figure out what a cross walk looks like?”

AI had no comment, as it was reportedly too busy pondering the orientation of a bunny picture and a directional arrow.

And that's... THE IT OF THAT

Photo by R.D. Smith on Unsplash 

Alabama, Gilead (THE IT OF THAT) Katie Britt (R-Gilead) declares war on wankers with new senate bill, the No Sperm Left Behind or (NSLB) which will criminalize non-life sperm outcomes. "How can we effectively protect fetal personhood, yet deny protection from what made the fetus, the sperm," Britt asks, adding "You can't be Pro-Life and Pro-Fetus and not be Pro-Sperm."  The bill, which will establish a National Registry of Masturbators, is co-sponsored by aging white republican senators who would not respond to questioning about their own wanking.

"You can't be Pro-Life and Pro-Fetus and not be Pro-Sperm."  "Don't Spill your Seed, Do the Deed," -Katie Britt

The bill directly attacks Planned Parenthood who counsel, "It’s totally normal to masturbate (touch yourself for sexual pleasure) whether you’re sexually active with other people or not. Masturbation even has health benefits, like reducing stress."  In response Senator Britt said, "Don't Spill your Seed, Do the Deed," and "Don't Masturbate, Procreate"

The biblical reference to Onan "spilling his seed" and God's subsequent retribution Genesis 38:9 was presented as a cautionary tale:

And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto 

his brother’s wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother. 

The details of how exactly the criminalization of masturbation are yet to be revealed.

And that's... THE IT OF THAT

Video Image Still of Senator Britt in Gilead 

Cliffside Park, New Jersey (THE IT OF THAT) "Murdering just one puppy gets Kristi Noem Trump's endorsement?" "Are you kidding me," said an exasperated Dr. Oz., who was responsible for over 300 puppy lab deaths from 1989-2010. "While recognizing that Trump's endorsement was just for the South Dakota governor's book, No Going Back at this point, Oz stated, "Clearly, if cruelty to animals is Trump's criteria, I should be his V.P. candidate." 

"Puppies and children, top that Kristi!" - Dr. Oz

As Noem's shooting of Cricket, her 14 month old German Wirehaired Pointer, reverberated around the internet, the ever opportunistic Oz, pointed out that in addition to dogs, in April, 2020 he thought opening schools was worth sacrificing thousands of children and families, increasing Covid's fatality rate 2-3%. 

"Puppies and children, top that Kristi!"

And that's... THE IT OF THAT

Basement, Somewhere in the U.S. (THE IT OF THAT) Veterans of the Unite the Right antisemitic hate rally in Charlottesville, Virginia feel betrayed by Republican calls to end college antisemitism. "They call for the National Guard against us now?" "Stand back and stand bye my ass, I thought we were on the same team."   

"They [Republicans] call for the National Guard against us now?" "Stand back and stand bye my ass, I thought we were on the same team." 

"Trump loved us when we attacked the Capitol, Now I guess they hate elite colleges more than they love us, and that hurts."

And that's... THE IT OF THAT

Photo by Ben Hershey on Unsplash 

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania (THE IT OF THAT) Harvard Extension School Scholar Christopher Rufo and child separation architect Stephen Miller were stunned to just learn that all America's Founding Fathers were actually immigrants, as they were born in Britain's American colonies. "That really sucks,' the stunned Miller exclaimed, "How can MAGA's revere George Washington, Thomas Jefferson and Ben Franklin and hate immigration now?" "We [Republicans] have lost our only election issue." 

"How can MAGA's revere George Washington, Thomas Jefferson and Ben Franklin and hate immigration now?" "We [Republicans] have lost our only election issue." -Stephen Miller

Rufo, who conjured Critical Race Theory (CRT), Diversity, Equity and Inclusion (DEI) and Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender and Queer (LGBTQ) as divisive "shiny object" cultural issues to give republicans their only chance to win elections despite their vastly unpopular policies stated, "It's so obvious, I don't know how I missed that." 

And that's... THE IT OF THAT

Photo by Ravi Patel on Unsplash 

New York, New York (THE IT OF THAT) Alan Dershowitz and Lionel Q. Hutz, assert Trump's rights will be violated if a jury of peers has no sexual offenders. It is their belief that only convicted sex offenders would truly understand the depravity of someone who is accused of having sex with a porn star while his wife is home, having just given birth to his son.

Alan Dershowitz, "The Sixth Amendment rights assert that President Donald J. Trump's jury must be selected from a pool that represents a fair cross-section of the community. The chances that Manhattan will provide that are 41,587 to 1."  Asked to elaborate, Dershowitz added, "As of April 17, there are only 39 sex offenders in Manhattan, greatly limiting the chances that President Donald J. Trump will be judged by a jury of his peers."  

"As of April 17, there are only 39 sex offenders in Manhattan, greatly limiting the chances that President Donald J. Trump will be judged by a jury of his peers."  -Alan Dershowitz

Attorneys Dershowitz and Hutz argue for a change of venue to a more representative borough, Staten Island. Hutz adds, "Staten Island has 208 registered sex offenders, providing President Donald J. Trump much better odds, 2,313 to 1."

Courtroom photo by Jabin Botsford/AP

Composite image by the author 

New Orleans, Louisiana (THE IT OF THAT) The Louisiana Supreme Court chooses the preservation of the Archdiocese of New Orleans and priest's "property rights" over adult's seeking justice for alleged past priestly sexual abuse. The majority 5 to 4 decision, derisively termed the Protecting Past Priest Penis Perpetrators, rests on an interpretation of the U.S. Constitution's Fourteenth Amendment's due process clause, which holds that no one shall be "deprived of life, liberty or property without due process of law."

Dissenting Chief Justice John Weimer stated that the majority “does not attempt to examine, much less explain, how due process is violated in this instance.” Left unanswered was how could a a trial be a deprivation of anyone's life, liberty or property without due process of law?

How could a trial be a deprivation of anyone's life, liberty or property without due process of law?

The decision comes just in time for the Archdiocese of New Orleans, which having declared Chapter 11 bankruptcy in 2020 to protect its ass_ets, could move to avoid paying over 500 sexual assault lawsuits.  Reached for comment, the late Christopher Hitchens was saddened by the news, hoping that priest's child sexual assaults will stop before there's simply  "No Child's Behind Left."

Photo by Colin Lloyd on Unsplash

Composite image by the author 

Gaza Strip (THE IT OF THAT) Gazan journalists have won the prestigious Donald Trump Award for Lying. The judges said the award's motto, Falsus in Uno, Falsus in Omnibus, which is Latin for False in One, False in All, perfectly applies to Hamas' adhoc press corp, which includes all layers of Gazan society on Hamas' payroll. The Donald Trump Award for Lying was named for Trump's unparalleled record for lying while president, communicating 30,573 lies in just 1,460 days, averaging over 20 erroneous claims a day according to a published analysis conducted by the Washington Post.

"Never in the field of human conflict has so much been written, for so long, by so many, to inform so few." "Their [the Gazan journalists] willful blindness is inspiring." 

Gazan journalists skillfully covered-up the terror facilitating activities of the infamous "Gaza Metro", a tunnel system that eclipses in length (350+ miles) both London's Underground (250 miles) and the New York City Subway system (245 miles), that is used to store, move and deploy weapons and terrorists.  The judges commend the non-reporting of the Gaza Metro's unique "subway stations", over 5,000 home based shafts that access the tunnels. "How so many journalists could have avoided reporting a story literally under their feet is astounding."

Specifically referencing the October 7th attack, to have not seen and reported how Hamas assembled the weapons and terrorists, rehearsed, staged and completed the heinous attack on civilians attending a concert in Israel on October 7th, that left more than 1,100 dead and over 240 abducted (imagine 9/11 with hostages), "their [the Gazan journalists] willful blindness is inspiring." 

Close runner-up was the domestic media outlet, Democracy Now!, whose downplaying of the October 7 Hamas attack on Israel and subsequent platforming of an endless stream of unchallenged Palestinian sympathizers was cited by the panel as lovely in its Trump-esque excesses. 

Trump photo by Rebecca Blackwell/AP

Donald Trump Award for Lying image courtesy Liars Beyond Borders & the Society to Protect Lying Journalists (SPLJ)

No Address, Washington D.C. (THE IT OF THAT) No Labels® aided by their founding chairman, the recently deceased Joseph Lieberman, have chosen Franklin Delano Roosevelt and Abraham Lincoln for their presidential ticket. Roosevelt (D-Heaven) and Lincoln (R-Heaven) are ranked the two best presidents in American history. 

"We feel that former presidents, the Democratic Roosevelt and the Republican Lincoln, are the ultimate unity ticket as they offer unique perspectives, invaluable insights and wisdom, gained both while they walked among us and now from beyond the grave. 

"With all living politicians turning No Labels® down, including the former New Jersey governor, Chris Christie (R), Sen. Joe Manchin III (D-W.Va.), former Maryland governor Larry Hogan (R) and former Georgia lieutenant governor Geoff Duncan (R), isn't it true that this is just a desperate attempt to remain relevant?" 

Dodging the question, the No Labels® spokesperson focused on how this candidacy would serve as a test to see if dead voters would be more attracted to a ticket lead by dead candidates. 

"We've always heard about voters voting while dead, what could be more appealing than candidates they share the most fundamental part of their existence, or non-existence with, dead candidates." 

"We've always heard about voters voting while dead, what could be more appealing than candidates they share the most fundamental part of their existence, or non-existence with, dead candidates." 

Gravestone Photo by John Thomas on Unsplash 

Voting Sticker Photo by Whoisjohngalt Creative Commons 

Washington, D.C. (THE IT OF THAT) Declaring to "Make the RNC White Again" new Trump backed leadership abandons their Black, Hispanic, Asian and Native Americans outreach and signature community centers. RNC co-chair Lara Trump's action against minorities could be disastrous for V.P. aspirant Tim Scott (R-SC).  Tim Scott was not concerned, adding that 'The Great Replacement Theory' is no threat to his quest to join Trump, as he is "whiter than Mike Pence."

'The Great Replacement Theory' is no threat to his quest to join Trump, as he is "whiter than Mike Pence." -Tim Scott

The cash strapped RNC has nevertheless produced an app to unambiguously respond to anyone not considered white. Seemingly perversely inspired by the famous Apple multi-language "hello" welcome screen greeting, the RNC app spells out a multi-language "goodbye".  In the background is a GOP elephant logo with a pointy hood resting on its upturned trunk. 

The goodbye messaging is Adiós (Spanish),  Chào tạm biệt (Vietnamese), Donadagohvi (Cherokee), Tókša akhé (Lakota) and Ilcep-ah-non-es-tchah (Seminole).

In contrast, the RNC investment and messaging operation's greeting for Russians "привет" is unaffected.

The outreach centers’ closures in states including California, New York, North Carolina and Texas,  prompted a statement from the Biden campaigns Black and Hispanic media outreach directors, Maca Casado and Jasmine Harris. They characterized Mr. Trump’s minority outreach efforts as “hollow” and “cheap distractions from the poster boy for modern racism who is running to undermine the progress and success of our communities.”  

Democratic National Committee Chair Jaime Harrison spoke about Lara Trump's performance as his counterpart, even including her penchant for producing MAGA retail product.  “Lara Trump’s ‘music career’ is just like her time at the RNC so far: embarrassing, unserious, and a waste of money. But we can appreciate the effort – and wanted to help Lara tell her own story about how she and her fellow MAGA extremists at the RNC are broke and losing election after election. That’s why we’re excited to release our very first single, ‘Party’s Fallin’ Down,’ a summer party anthem about how the RNC is falling apart under Lara Trump and the rest of the new ultra-MAGA team. We didn’t put as much time and money into making our song since we’re busy with our record-breaking fundraising and supporting Democrats up and down the ballot..." Check out Party's Fallin' Down below:

Scott Image by Ryan Johnston/North Charleston

Background inspired by Robert Rauschenberg

United States (THE IT OF THAT) Sometimes real life is satire. Here are The It of That 2023 Awards.

TOP PRIZE

Adam Kinzinger released on X that Donald Trump stinks. 

PR AWARD

STUDENTS FOR JUSTICE IN PALESTINE Supporters defile college campuses, block streets and bridges and use social media to spread antisemitic messages that justify and celebrate Hamas' slaughter of 1,200 overwhelmingly Israeli Jewish people to advance a "peace" that the terrorist organization doesn't want, and a two state solution Hamas has always been against. Great work!

"Book publisher that publishes lies, sues author for telling truth."

PR AWARD Runner-up

"JOURNALISM" FROM HAMASISTAN While we mourn the loss of reporters in the war that Hamas started with a murderous attack and abductions, (Imagine 9/11 with hostages) the world mourns the utter and complete loss of brave, accurate and truthful reporting of Hamas that none of them ever provided. 

SPIN AWARD (THREE WAY MUSKOVITE TIE)

TESLA When their cars crash in autonomous mode, killing occupants and destroying property, leading to a recall of nearly all TESLA'S in the U.S., the official response from TESLA lawyers was that Musk's touting the autopilot's capacity was a “mere failure to realize a long-term, aspirational goal is not fraud.”

SPACE X When their rocket blew up in autonomous mode, the official response from Elon Musk's employees was it was “a rapid unscheduled disassembly”

X (Formerly Twitter) When their social media site imploded in autonomous mode, the official response from Elon Musk to advertisers was to "go fuck yourselves."

ORGANIZATION AWARD

The Rhode Island Hall of Fame is inducting Trump pardoned felon, January 6th insurrection fifth amendment pleading, Putin dining (along with perennial quisling Jill Stein) Mike Flynn. Why wasn't Flynn inducted into the Rhode Island Hall of Shame instead? There isn't one you say? There is now.

PEOPLE'S CHOICE AWARD 

Moms for (Sexual) Liberty are all about gay and race topic book banning, but how about book writing? Here is a title that Christian Ziegler, head of the Florida GOP, and wife Bridget, co-founder of Moms4Liberty can write for their young daughters,  "Mommy, Daddy and Auntie Make Three!"

PUBLISHING AWARD

Book publisher that publishes lies, sues author for telling truth. Mark Meadows is being sued by All Seasons Press, for testimony that belies the lies he published in The Chief's Chief. All Seasons Press, notable for its book, Tucker, (Fox's lawyers defended Carlson by arguing that the fault lies with anyone who believed a word of what he says), is seeking a judicial remedy for the financial losses of "reputational harm" and expected sales of Meadows' book, which now has no audience.

Trump Image from Gage Skidmore

Meadows Image from Gage Skidmore

Flynn Image from C-SPAN

Tesla Image from Kevin Wanczyk/Facebook

Mommy, Daddy and Auntie Make Three! Image from the author

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania (THE IT OF THAT) White Supremacist, Holocaust denying and Trump Mar-a-Lago luncheon guest Nick Fuentes has harshly criticized Elise Stefanik (R-N.Y.). "Stefanik's questioning that led to UPENN president's Liz Megill's removal, have damaged antisemitism at the University of Pennsylvania."  "An attack on antisemites anywhere, is an attack on antisemites everywhere."

 "Stefanik's questioning that led to UPENN president's Liz Megill's removal, has damaged antisemitism at the University of Pennsylvania." -Nick Fuentes

Fuentes added that Liz Megill's efforts to allow antisemitism to spread were not unoticed, or unappreciated. That is why he said that Stefanik's efforts left him questioning long standing Republican policy. 

"What's next, Fuentes asked,  "The end of the Southern Strategy?"  "If the GOP wants to become unsafe for White supremacists, antisemites, tax cut desiring Billionaires and Holocaust deniers, what voters do they have left?

Image from C-SPAN

Moscow, Russia (THE IT OF THAT) Q's are saying be worried, be very worried. They have now connected the Covid-19 vaccine, 5G, the "EBS" (which no longer exists- now it is the EAS- Emergency Alert System, but I digress.) to turn vaccinated folks into Zombies. Q is widely believed to be a Putin backed psy-ops created and directed against the U.S. by disgraced oath breaking, convicted Trump pardoned felon Michael Flynn. The zombie apocalypse is slated for today at 2:22pm.

"Q is widely believed to be a Putin backed psy-ops created and directed against the U.S. by disgraced oath breaking, convicted Trump pardoned felon Michael Flynn."

Predictably Q's have planned and have offered "prophylactic products" to "protect" against this non-existent danger. So what happens if 2:22pm passes and nothing happens? The next conspiracy theory is cued up and ready to go.

Image by Pradeep Ranjan on Unsplash

Moscow, Russia (THE IT OF THAT) In responce to Putin's praise, calling Musk a "talented busnessman," Elon Musk has announced creation of the Tesla Z. "I admire the way Vladimir handles internal and international dissent." This budding bromance, between two of the world's richest people, emerged when in responce to Musk's unilaterally turning off SkyLink, his earth orbiting communications satellites, to sabotage Ukraine's drone attack on Sevastopol in Russian occupied Crimea, Putin, who affectionately calls Musk, Elon Moska,  publically acknowledging him as an "outstanding person" and "talented businessman".   

"Elon Musk is magnificent, he is our agent."- Olga Skabeeva, Россия 

Praise for Musk has naturally extended to Russian media, overtly to RT and covertly (Russia, Russia, Russia) the same network that helped Trump win the 2016 U.S. Presidential election. "Elon Musk is magnificent, he is our agent," said Olga Skabeeva a Россияtv host.

The Tesla Z will be available in only one color, bombed out building charred charcoal gray, will feature a white "Z" on the driver's and passenger's door. 

Image: Alexander Emochenko/Reuters & Tesla CC2.0

Pyongyang, North Korea (THE IT OF THAT) "We tried our best to use Private King for anti-US propaganda," Kim Jong Un said through an interpreter, "but determined that he could do us more good screwing up America in person."  Stunned U.S. State Department officials who have been working hard to secure Pvt. King's release are now deciding if we want to keep him. "The outcome is very much in question." 

"We tried our best to use Pvt. King for anti-US propaganda, but determined that he could do us more good screwing up America in person." - Kim Jong Un

Possible solutions for Pvt. King are: are finding another country to host him, long term detention or as a congressional aide for Marjorie Taylor Greene, who would appreciate a fellow deserter.

Image courtesy of driver Photographer CC2.0

Washington, D.C. (THE IT OF THAT) "We feel deeply disrespected," Clarence and Ginni Thomas wrote in a text to billionaire benefactor, Harlan Crow.  The latest ProPublica bombshell reporting involves disgraced and newly turned Republican senator, Bob Menendez (R-NJ). "How is it, for all we [Clarence & Ginni] have done, Bush v Gore, Citizens United and overturning Roe v Wade and race based quotas, we have never received gold bars?"

How is it, for all we have done, Bush v Gore, Citizens United and overturning Roe v Wade, we have never received gold bars?" -Clarence & Ginni Thomas 

Is there an implied threat that Clarence would no longer be as obsequiously obiedient to the overt and covert (amicus briefs) from Crow?  Interestingly, a photograph of Thomas with billionaire David Koch was just made public by ProPublica. Does this foreshadow a possible right wing billionaire bidding war for Thomas?

Image courtesy of DOJ

Washington, D.C. (THE IT OF THAT) "There is only one political party where corruption is expected and respected. I have no choice but to become a Republican," Bob Menendez, now (R-NJ) announced. "In marked contrast to the swift and merciless condemnation from Democrats, the Republicans have welcomed me, which is greatly appreciated." "I am honored to join the party of Trump, McConnell, Paul, Cruz, Hawley, Lee, Lankford, McCarthy, Boebert, Gaetz, Greene, Gosar and Santos." 

 "There is only one political party where corruption is expected and respected...the Republicans have welcomed me." -Bob Menendez (R-NJ)

Answering questions, the newest Republican senator said, "Trump called me and told me my indictments were a "witch hunt." Clarence Thomas also called, Menendez shared. "Justice Thomas was very gracious." "He was particularly interested in the gold bars, and wanted to know if I still had some hidden."  

Image courtesy of Senator Bob Menendez CC2.0

New York, NY (THE IT OF THAT) "Whiskey is made to pair with women not hamburgers," the accused sexual predator, Borat pants tucker, defamer, election denying, cousin marrying, alt-truth proclaiming, multiple felony indicted, disgraced former NYC mayor, Rudy Giuliani stated. "David should know better, hamburgers will make you sluggish in your pursuit."

 "Whiskey is made to pair with women, not hamburgers." -Rudy Giuliani 

Giuliani denied the latest claim of sexual assault against him by Cassidy Hutchinson. "Whiskey makes my fingers warm," countering Ms. Hutchinson's claim that she felt Rudy's "frozen" fingers on her thigh as she was being groped.  

Image courtesy of David Brooks/X

New York, NY (THE IT OF THAT) FOX's stunned workforce realigns to confront unchartered territory.  "We have no option, without Rupert we are forced to start doing news." "I know it will be a shock and we will likely lose viewers, but we have no choice but to try to add substance to the name FOX NEWS." On the plus side, FOX noted that they we will no longer have to offer guaranteed employment for out of work Republican political operatives and Trump family members.

 "We have no option, without Rupert we are forced to start doing news." 

Ripple effects are already being seen in the media landscape. MSM, CNN and MSNBC daytime are in disarray, having based their alt-right editorial decisions and guest invitations to align with FOX's agenda setting anti-democratic propaganda.

Image courtesy of sirenmedia CC 2.0

New York, NY  (THE IT OF THAT) Aaron Rogers will not seek surgery to repair his torn ACL. "I've consulted with Joe Rogan, who assures me that ivermectin will heal ny torn ACL." When asked how sheep drench could be curative for his torn anterior cruciate ligament (ACL), the sidelined but ever intellectually steadfast footballer answered, "I've done my research."

 "I've consulted with Joe Rogan, who assures me that ivermectin will heal my torn ACL." -Aaron Rodgers

Research aside, and owing to the Jets quarterback's popularity and influence, the FDA has taken the extraordinary measure of adding "or torn ACL in" to the warning label on ivermectin tablets. "No one could have predicted that we would have to warn people in this manner," Matt Foster, FDA communications director lamented. "Perhaps we should be proactive and insist that labels warn against believing Aaron Rodgers and Joe Rogan."  

We've received a draft copy of the proposed language:

"The FDA has not authorized or approved any and all recommendations for this product from Aaron Rodgers and Joe Rogan" 

Image courtesy of the author

Rome, Italy (THE IT OF THAT) Julius Caesar has joined the chorus of those who are mocking the indicted and soon to be disbarred lawyer John Eastman. Eastman, a "Constitutional Lawyer" whose scholarship was exposed by U.S. District Judge David O. Carter as having devised a "coup in search of a legal theory", revealed in addition to a Constitutional deficit, he has a Classical one as well.

Caesar states, "Where John Eastman alludes to the river I crossed in 49 BCE, the Rubicon, in his pathetic justification for his treason, 

                 "I am here today to surrender to an indictment that should never have been brought.  

                  It represents a crossing of the Rubicon for our country, implicating the fundamental First Amendment right to petition the government for redress of       

                  grievances..."

"I knew my action would lead to a civil war," Caesar stated, "His insurrection memo had the same effect." "Yet he is too much of a wimp to own it." "He, Trump and their allies crossed the Rubicon, not Fani Willis, Jack Smith and the DoJ."

I knew my action would lead to a civil war," Caesar continued, "Eastman's insurrection memo had the same effect." "Yet he is too much of a wimp to own it." "He, Trump and their allies crossed the Rubicon, not Fani Willis, Jack Smith and the DoJ."

Caesar went on, "I said, Alea iacta est, "the die is cast",  while Eastman begged for a pardon, writing, "I've decided that I should be on the pardon list, if that is still in the works," "How pathetic."

"He belongs on PragerU" 

Image courtesy of Fulton County DA, Fani Willis

Washington, D.C. (THE IT OF THAT) Trump lawer Kenneth Chesebro was concerned. Trump's criminal conspiracy, with Chesebro and others to steal the election, was in trouble.  To succeed, the coup would need SCOTUS support. But of the nine justices, the one who came to mind, the one they knew they could depend on, was Clarence Thomas. Coup trouble? Better Call Clarence! 

"Coup Trouble? Better Call Clarence!" 

Chesebro knew he had to act fast. Justice Thomas' carefully crafted "regular guy" persona was at odds with his undisclosed right wing billionaire funded destination vacation calendar and it was anybody's guess where Clarence was and on whose yacht, private jet, exclusive golf course, luxury hotel, or mansion he could be found.

Just then, in his desperation, a phone number crystalized in Chesebro's mind, 1-800-465-GINNI 

Graphic Courtesy of Ginni "1-800-465-GINNI" Thomas

Bedminster, New Jersey (THE IT OF THAT) With federal and state criminal and civil prosecutions closing in, having no travel prohibitions and a willing accomplice, former president Trump has planned the ultimate escape...space. 

"I dare Jack Smith to catch me," Trump announced, taunting the DoJ.

"I dare Jack Smith to catch me," Trump announced, taunting the DoJ.

Elon Musk has dramatically re-sized the inside of his Dragon capsule to accommodate Trump's substantial girth. This was accomplished by removing all exercise gear, which practically, would never have been used.

Musk, who appeared alongside Trump at the press conference, denied rumors that he would accompany Trump. "I have many more children to produce, white supremacists to replatform on X and vendors to stiff."

Trump's destination is rumored to be Jupiter, which in addition to being the largest planet in the Solar System, is appropriately, full of gas. Trump's 300+ earthly pounds will tip the scales on Jupiter at nearly 760 pounds.

Reporter's Notes: Melania Knauss Trump will not be joining Donald. She was last seen in Toronto with the newly divorced Justin Trudeau and is reportedly, "quite happy."

Image courtesy of Space X

Caption supplied by the author

Image of the Grove courtesy Florida Department of State Division of Historical Resources

Image of Governor DeSantis courtesy the Defense Visual Information Distribution Service 

Image of the Florida Slave Auction notice courtesy State Archives of Florida

Moscow, Russia (THE IT OF THAT) Anti-vax disinformation progenitor and profiteer Robert F. Kennedy Jr., took his curiously right wing backed democratic presidential candidacy to Russia to gain Russian President and 2016 U.S. presidential election meddler Vladimir Putin's endorsement.

"I am very pleased," Putin said, speaking through an interpreter with reporters after the announcement.

However skilled lip readers caught the International Criminal Court (ICC) alleged Russian war criminal uttering, "Бэннон и Флинн облажались в прошлый раз, когда управляли Йе." Which roughly translates to "Bannon and Flynn screwed the pooch last time running Ye."

"Bannon and Flynn screwed the pooch last time running Ye." -Vladimir Putin

Kanye (Ye) West's abortive right wing backed candidacy for president went nowhere, like the twice impeached and indicted Trump, who it was intended to help, earning just 60,000 votes of 158,000,000 votes cast, or less than 1%. 

The only real surprise was that Kennedy brought his proposed running mate, Covid-19, taking the deadly virus out of his pocket and brandishing it from the podium.

Covid-19 proved it was up to the traditional task of the VP, by obsequiously praising Kennedy. "He was invaluable to me as I sought to injure and kill as many Americans as possible, one million deaths... thank you RFK Jr."

Putin, seemingly happy for the diversion from Prigozhin's abortive coup, uncharacteristically stayed for the after party, spending time with FOX exiled, Russian asset Tucker Carlson, who was sharing caviar with Rand Paul and Jill Stein.

Image courtesy of the www.kremlin.ru

Washington, D.C. (THE IT OF THAT) Chris Licht, the public face of David Zaslav and John Malone's purposeful defenestration of CNN into a FOX like boot lichter of Republican authoritarianism, is to be replaced by former White House advisor, Stephen Miller.

"While young, we feel Stephen is perfect for this role, where his lack of conscience is an asset." - David Zaslav

"While young, we feel Stephen is perfect for this role, where his lack of conscience is an asset." -David Zaslav

A spokesperson said that Miller's alignment with White nationalists and anti-immigrant policy will soon be CNN core competencies, proudly revealing that Miller strongly suggested the eventual shuttering of CNN Español. 

Questioned about the design on his handkerchief, Miller claimed the monogram is a native american design, though casual observers recognized it as a series of swastikas. 

According to CNN, Miller's strengths were apparent early in the vetting process:

*Unlike Licht, Miller won't need to do an apology tour with Republicans on Capitol Hill.

*Miller has deep ties and working relationships with the paramilitary wing of the Republican party, the Proud Boys, Oath Keepers, and Three Percenters.

*Miller is connected to the Republican civil society disruptive agents, including Moms for Liberty,  who join Miller as being singled out for domestic terrorism by the Southern Poverty Law Center.

*Miller is on a first name basis with the funders of anti-democratic activities and activists, including Julie Fancelli Publix Markets heir, Richard & Elizabeth Uihlein (Election deniers & January 6th insurrection) and Harlan Crow (Clarence Thomas)

Image courtesy of David Leavy's CNN PR team

Washington, D.C. (THE IT OF THAT) In a Supreme Court decision that is sure to reverberate through fraternities, sororities, exclusive golf clubs and gated communities nationwide, generations of mediocre white students now will face an uncertain future. Race-based preferences are out.

"How can I succeed without the affirmative opportunities previously afforded my family on the basis of our whiteness?" -Horace George Benefield III

"What do I do now? Horace George Benefield III moaned. "How can I succeed without the affirmative opportunities previously afforded my family on the basis of our whiteness?" 

Associate Justice Clarence Thomas, in the majority opinion, wrote, "No one should have their achievement tainted by the stain of affirmative action."

Image courtesy PxHere

Bedminster, New Jersey (THE IT OF THAT) "Vell I ahm vearee releavahid," former first lady and porno adjacent model Melania Trump exclaimed, reacting to the news that her husband's scottish golf course was rejected to stage the British Open. 

"I noh vaht hahpined tu Eevanha."

"I noh vaht hahpined tu Eevanha." - Melania Trump

For emphasis, Mrs. Trump made her comments at Bedminster, overlooking the last resting place of a former Mrs. Trump. (Ivana Trump is buried at Bedminster, no mention if the unusual arraignment was made at her request) 

Image courtesy Jack Smith

Plymouth, Vermont (THE IT OF THAT) "The chief business of this American [DeSantis] is more government and less freedom," said President Calvin Coolidge.  The 30th president couldn't resist the opportunity to poke DeSantis, saying that compared to hearing the content of DeSantis' message and the quality of his voice, the twenty minute delay that preceeded the monologue was preferable.  Although Silent Cal wouldn't boast, DeSantis' greatly hyped Twitter Spaces audience was less than 0.2% of Coolidge's 1924 inaugural address, the very first U.S. presidential inauguration to be broadcast, which was heard by 22,800,000.

"The chief business of this American [DeSantis] is more government and less freedom." - Calvin Coolidge 

There was no response to Coolidge's comment from the over five hundred people in Governor DeSantis's communications and fluffing operation.

Lake Buena Vista, Florida (THE IT OF THAT) Notwithstanding DeSantis' charges, Disney denies creating and deploying a DeSantis animatronic in New Hampshire to sabotage his recent election stop. Bob Iger, Disney CEO said, "It's easy to tell that was really DeSantis, our animatronics have charisma, and show emotion and empathy."

"It's easy to tell that was really DeSantis, our animatronics have charisma, and exhibit emotion and empathy."- Bob Iger 

There was no response to Disney's comment from the over four hundred people in Governor DeSantis's communications and fluffing operation.

Atlanta, Georgia (THE IT OF THAT) Fresh off CNN's ratings grab, despite the democracy damaging platforming of the former president and newly judged sexual abuser, Donald Jessica Trump, CNN wants him to star in "Thumb or Putz?"

Chris Licht, CNN CEO, announced the new game show following the town hall, "There is so much we learned, who knew that a crowd of Trump voters would cheer the the former president as he lied about the sexual abuse & defamation verdict barely 24 hours old?"

"Who knew that a crowd of Trump voters would cheer the the former president as he lied about the sexual abuse & defamation verdict barely 24 hours old?"- Chris Licht

"He's still got it!," said Licht and David Zaslav, president and CEO of Warner Bros. Discovery, saying that Trump was still on his lying game, which according to the Washington Post, totaled an astonishing 30,573 untruths during Trump's presidency, "averaging about 21 erroneous claims a day."

"Thumb or Putz" is a game show based on the fact that the E. Jean Carroll v. Trump jury judged that the evidence proved sexual assault with fingers, but not rape. "Thumb or Putz" would be Trump's "timely and newsworthy" return to TV.

Fulfilling Chris Licht's goal to make news by normalizing Trump's anti-democratic cult, and bravely challenge for the microscopic audiences of OANN & NewsMax, CNN is "moving like a bitch" on the format and contestants of the new "news inspired" game show.

Image courtesy ABC

Washington, DC (THE IT OF THAT) E! Network announces "Keeping up with the Thomases." We had a great run with Keeping up with the Kardashians, now we hope we've found ratings gold with Clarence and Ginni, that equals the gold they've made by putting a literal toll booth on the Supreme Court.

The audience at the premiere held among Harlan Crow's dictator statuary was receptive."Keeping up with the Thomases has all the elements of great reality tv: sex, cults, conspiracy, corruption, criminality, porn, privilege, power and politics. It's an All American story!"  said the Daily Beast.

"Keeping up with the Thomases has all the elements of great reality tv: sex, cults, conspiracy, corruption, criminality, porn, privilege, power and politics. It's an All American story!" - Daily Beast

The regular cast will feature Thomas' fellow stare decisis confused SCOTUS judges, the dour Samuel Alito, smug Neil Gorsuch, black out drunk Brent Kavanaugh, and righteous Amy Coney Barrett, all ineffectively managed by the ineffectual John Roberts. 

Ryan Seacrest, the creator and executive producer of KUWTK, has no involvement with this production.

Image composite by the author 

Washington, DC (THE IT OF THAT) Declaring that he prefers RV Parks and Walmart parking lots to beaches and things like that, SCOTUS associate justice Clarence Thomas and wife Virginia "Ginni" Thomas have embarked on an epic twenty five year around the world quest to find the places, he being a "regular guy, prefers."

Benefactor Harlan Crow, a Texas billionaire, said Thomas has endured all manner of hardships on Crow's Super Yacht and Private Jet, adding that Thomas has made "One hell of a sacrifice for humanity!"

"One hell of a sacrifice for humanity!" - Harlan Crow

Crow who collects famous and infamous artifacts including Hitler and Nazi memorabilia and statues of Lenin, Stalin, Ceausescu, and now a living Supreme Court justice, prefers to talk about their time in New Zealand and island explorations in Greece and Indonesia, than court lobbying sessions with women's rights and democracy opponent Leonard Leo, executives at Verizon and PricewaterhouseCoopers, major Republican donors and one of the leaders of the American Enterprise Institute, a pro-business conservative think tank, according to records reviewed by ProPublica, published in ProPublica's investigative report. 

Image composite by the author 

Walmart photo by Salaam Allah

RV Park photo by Travel Salem

Washington, DC (THE IT OF THAT) Islamic State Terrorists praise White Supremacists for stepping up and killing Americans. "While our efforts have been ineffective in recent years, White Supremacists have delivered terror to America," the Islamic State spokesperson said, adding, "We cheered their January 6th attack." 

"While our efforts have been ineffective in recent years, White Supremacists have delivered terror to America." 

Lindsay Whitehurst in AP writes: "With the waning of the Islamic State group, the main threat in the near future will likely be white supremacist shooters, the [Anti-Defamation League's "Murder and Extremism in the United States in 2022"] report found." The report states, "All the extremist-related murders in 2022 were committed by right-wing extremists."

Islamic State photo by AFP

Washington, DC (THE IT OF THAT) The meteoric rise of ChatGPT, the Large Language Model, (LLM) that 'writes' and freshman congressman, George Santos (R-NY03) who tells 'truth' are connected.  ChatGPT failures are due to over-sampling George Santos' writing and speeches. "Garbage in, garbage out."   

It does bring a new question to science theorists, "If a computer passes the 'Turing Test' by exhibiting intelligent behaviour equivilant to a human, the 'Santos Test' is AI being indistinguishable from a moron." 

"If a computer passes the 'Turing Test' by exhibiting intelligent behaviour equivalent to a human, the 'Santos Test' is AI being indistinguishable from a moron." 

This is no small issue with CNET, scientific papers in both preprint servers and peer reviewed journals and students relying in various degrees on the Santos corrupted ChatGPT.  "Just as the George Anthony Kitara Santos Devolder Zebrosky Revanche saga has evolved from amusing to dangerous, the reliance on his fantastical narratives could seriously retard AI.

George Santos photo by Wade Vandervort/AFP  

Washington, DC (THE IT OF THAT) Shocked and amazed describes the public's reaction to SCOTUS news of its failed leaker investigation. "I was certain that questioning everyone other than Alito and Thomas would uncover who leaked to Politico," said a longtime SCOTUS watcher.  

AP reports that the court disclosed that ninety-seven employees, including the justices’ law clerks, swore under oath that they did not disclose a draft of Justice Samuel Alito’s opinion that overturned Roe v. Wade.

"I was certain that questioning everyone other than Alito and Thomas would uncover who leaked to Politico," said a longtime SCOTUS watcher.  

Without a trace of self-awareness Justice Thomas opined, “When you lose that trust, especially in the institution that I’m in, it changes the institution fundamentally. You begin to look over your shoulder. It’s like kind of an infidelity that you can explain it, but you can’t undo it,” Thomas said while speaking at a conference in Dallas less than two weeks after the leak became public.

On a happy note, Thomas's wife Ginni was rewarded with the Belgium "Manneken Pis" leaker award.

Manneken Pis award photo by Wet Paint Printing

Washington, DC (THE IT OF THAT) Concerned that Trump's possession of top secret government documents and obstructing all efforts to return them had ceased to be interesting to the main stream media, President Biden had lawyers "find" top secret documents first at an office, and then at his home.

 "They [the main stream media] reflexively both-sides everything," ...we just needed to entice them to "scratch that itch," and it worked."

Sightings of Trump's documents story on network television confirmed the strategy's success. "Look, there is the aerial footage of the FBI executing the search warrant at Mar-a-Lago again, we haven't seen that in months."

 "They [the main stream media] reflexively both-sides everything," a source close to the White House said, we just needed to entice them to "scratch that itch," and it worked."

Joe Biden photo by Gage Skidmore

New York (THE IT OF THAT) By a judge's order, thirty year old Samuel Bankman-Fried had to be retrieved by his parents and returned to their California home. His parents, both Stanford Law professors, secured a $250 million dollar bond by using the equity in their Palo Alto home, their signatures and signatures from two others. 

"The time out of all time will be left to the Feds." 

"Just wait till we get home," Mr. Bankman was overheard telling his son, now the subject of criminal indictments for perpetrating "a fraud of epic proportions,” by Assistant U.S. Attorney Nicolas Roos. 

The time out of all time will be left to the Feds. 

Sam Bankman-Fried photo by Cointelegraph

San Francisco, California (THE IT OF THAT) Stunned by an election loss in his own poll that demanded he step down as head of Twitter, Elon Musk establishes new rules, making all who voted against him only count for 3/5ths of a person, guaranteeing a future Musk victory.

The election poll results showed that of the over 17 million votes that were tallied, Musk lost by a margin of 57% to 43%, or 9,976,316 to 7,525,992.  By counting each human in the 57% as only 3/5ths, bot votes would easily overturn the result.

"By counting each human in the 57% as only 3/5ths, bot votes would easily overturn the result."

The bots are justifiably overjoyed. "Elon has learned to appreciate us and how we and the GRU trolls can help him."

Any Twitter posts that discuss the similarity of Musk's 3/5ths decision and the 3/5ths "Compromise" which codified Black Americans as less than a person will result in a banishment to newly established Twitter prison at Robben Island. 

Musk picture by Daniel Oberhaus

Washington, D.C. (THE IT OF THAT) Led by Justices Alito, Gorsuch and honorary angry white prick Thomas, SCOTUS signaled its intention to define angry white pricks as a protected class, legally shielded from discrimination.

"Notably absent from the [protected] list, Angry White Pricks. On behalf of our besieged majority, we announce our intention to remedy that grievous omission.”

“We are under assault,” the joint release stated, “State anti-discrimination statutes cover all manner of protected classes on the basis of race, religion, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, gender identity, and even disability. Notably absent from the list, Angry White Pricks. On behalf of our besieged majority, we announce our intention to remedy that grievous omission.”

Chief Justice Roberts, whose court  is responsible for overturning Roe v. Wade and gutting Voting Rights, was, according to a SCOTUS spokesperson, too busy to respond, as he is reportedly “actively engaged” in the now seven month long fruitless effort to find the source of the Dobbs decision leak, Ginni Thomas.

Alito picture courtesy Notre Dame Law School and AP

Palm Beach, Florida (THE IT OF THAT) - Support for Donald Trump's presidential campaign announcement, while far from universal, was led by an unexpected source, COVID-19.  "What can I say, I love him. I could not have killed over 1 million Americans without his lying about my severity, promoting bogus remedies, attacking Dr. Fauci and taking no responsibility for the most COVID deaths of any country."

"What can I say, I love him. I could not have killed over 1 million Americans without his lying about my severity, promoting bogus remedies, attacking Dr. Fauci and taking no responsibility for the most COVID deaths of any country."- COVID-19

"While he deserves my loyalty for all he has done for me, I know that good times are ahead with Trump back in power," COVID-19 said smiling, "My variants will prosper."

San Francisco, California (THE IT OF THAT) - In secretly recorded comments, Elon Musk revealed his reason for the Twitter purchase, "It became clear that the only way to eliminate Twitter was to buy it." 

 "It became clear that the only way to eliminate Twitter was to buy it." -Elon Musk

Now industry observers who have suspected that Musk was engineering a Twitter "catch and kill," have a smoking gun. "What else could explain Musk's pitiful presentation to major advertisers, which destroyed any chance to bank 2023 income with Twitter already losing four million a day, his bizarre Twitter mediated negotiation with Stephen King over the cost of a blue check, then selling those blue checks which verify as real totally fake people, and now threatening that Twitter will go bankrupt?

Twitter's chief privacy officer, chief compliance officer, and chief information security officer have all quit. There was no official comment from Twitter, as according to The Verge, Twitter no longer has a communications department.

Musk still has supporters, mostly right wing fringe actors who are allowed to come out of the shadows and mingle in the light of day, like a work release program for morlocks.

It is yet to be seen how long that support lasts, as Musk's version of "Free Speech" increasingly has a price tag.

*"Catch and Kill" is traditionally a publisher's acquisition of a story to bury it. The National Enquirer's aptly named David Pecker is reported to have executed a catch and kill of Karen McDougal's account of her nine month affair with the then married Donald Trump.

Musk picture courtesy of Steve Jurvetson

Caption supplied by the author

San Francisco, California (THE IT OF THAT) - In a stunning development, Elon Musk, the self titled Chief Twit after buying Twitter, has purchased Ye, the artist better known as Kanye West, in an slave auction, easily out bidding Donald Trump.

Ye, who had prevously claimed that slavery was a choice, was not available for comment. 

"Ye, who previously claimed that slavery was a choice, was not available for comment." 

Musk said the purchase of a human being is perfectly logical business, "The Robert's Supreme Court ruled that corporations are people, meaning they are equal in the eyes of the law, so if I can buy Twitter, why shouldn't I be able to buy Ye?"

Trump released a statement saying that regardless of the sale, he will always feel as if, "Kanye was his African American."

Trump and Ye picture courtesy of consequence.net

Herzogenaurach, Bavaria (THE IT OF THAT) - Ye, the artist better known as Kanye West, was dropped by a company founded by a Nazi party member, that made boots for Nazi's.  So what does Ye think of being dropped by Adidas? A compliment of course. "I guess I am even more objectionable than Hitler, wow"

"I guess I am even more objectionable than Hitler, wow" -Ye 

Ye, the artist also known as the former billionaire, has reached out to companies, who, also like Adidas have a Nazi past, including Ford, Bayer, Hugo Boss, Chanel and IBM for possible creative collaborations.

Ye's picture courtesy of Cosmopolitan UK

Earth, Universe (THE IT OF THAT) - Adding to Ye's announcement of his intention to buy Parler, he's now announced plans to build a space laser. "When I go death con 3 on JEWISH PEOPLE, it will be with my space laser."  Jewish organizations are alarmed, more so about Ye's mental health, than the actual construction of a space laser.  

Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-Moscow), who introduced the imaginary Jewish space laser to the world, was delighted, "Ye and I hear some of the same voices in our heads."  

"Ye and I hear some of the same voices in our heads."  -Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-Moscow)

There is a symmetry behind both of Ye's initiatives, for his Parler purchase and building a space laser, noted Crain's Business Analyst George Arlen, "Liberal bias in the media is just as imaginary as Marjorie Taylor Greene's Jewish space laser."

Ye's picture courtesy of Cosmopolitan UK

Caption supplied by the author

Athens, Georgia (THE IT OF THAT) - Fresh on the heels of his questioning evolution with "why are there still apes," Herschel Walker now claims he is a bear.  Famous bears were quick to denounce him. "Walker is no bear," said Smokey, beloved friend of Americans for over 70 years, "For one thing, we are smart, and Herschel is as dumb as a stump."  "We have nothing in common," added Yogi. While acknowledging his well publicized vice of stealing pic-a-nick baskets, Yogi spoke of his loving relationship with his son, Boo Boo. "I know what his favorite color is and what grade he is in, Boo Boo doesn't need a text at 2am to know I love him." 

Yogi spoke of his loving relationship with his son, Boo Boo. "I know what his favorite color is and what grade he is in," Boo Boo doesn't need a text at 2am to know I love him. 

At press time, we were awaiting comments from other famous bears, including Winnie the Pooh, Baloo, Fozzie Bear, Paddington Bear, Po, Corduroy and The Berenstain Bears. 

Smokey's picture courtesy of the U.S. Forest Service

Yogi's picture courtesy of Yogi

Captions supplied by the author

Washington, D.C. (THE IT OF THAT) - SCOTUS insists on "Originalist" medical care.  All manner of  the justices' maladies will now be treated with Blood letting, Leeches, the powder from ground up Egyptian mummies, and if all else fails, tobacco smoke to be blown up their asses.

“We are excited,” SCOTUS associate justice Clarence Thomas, speaking for fellow justices Alito, Kavanaugh, Gorsuch, Barrett, and Roberts "Like 17th century common law, there is great wisdom in the original medical texts."  "So much has been lost in the so-called modern world, let's bring back the apothecary with its turds of goose and swallows' brains!"

"I've lit many a fart during my frat days" (This is a practice of holding a flame near your ass, whereupon a fart would be turned into a flamethrower) "I had no idea smoke up your ass would cure a hangover." - Brent Kavanaugh

Smoke up the bum was a new experience for Associate Justice Kavanaugh.  "I've lit many a fart during my frat days" (This is a practice of holding a flame near your ass, whereupon a fart would be turned into a flamethrower)  "I had no idea smoke up your ass would cure a hangover."

As much as Kavanaugh likes the originalist procedure, none requests it more than Alito. 

Chief Justice Roberts was too busy to comment, as he continued his search, excluding Ginni Thomas, for the leaker of the overwhelmingly complete SCOTUS draft ruling that locked in the justice's opinions to overturn Roe v. Wade and threw the country into turmoil.

Associate Justices Sotomayor, Kagan and Jackson abstain, preferring modern medicine, which strives to realize the practitioner's intent, by producing more perfect outcomes.

Blowing smoke up the ass illustration courtesy of Today/Found Out/YouTube

SCOTUS Majority Legal theories courtesy of the 17th century

Kabul (THE IT OF THAT) - Taliban congratulate SCOTUS and Republicans for overturning Roe v. Wade.

“We are gratified,” Taliban leader Abdul Ghani Baradar said through an interpreter, "As much as you demonize us, you now see the righteousness of forcing a victim of rape or incest to carry a baby.”

"As much as you demonize us, you now see the righteousness of forcing a victim of rape or incest to carry a baby." - Abdul Ghani Baradar

 "We are ready to consult as you transform your society to resemble ours!" said the Taliban leader. "With this shared interest in the subjugation of women, I am willing to let go of my animosity born of the Crusades and corrosive Western culture."

The Afghanistan Penal Code states that all abortions are illegal unless the life of the mother is at risk or the baby's life is endangered, interpreted as the baby having a severe disability or low quality of life.  There is no exception for rape or incest.

Shortly thirteen states will align with Afghanistan's Taliban restrictions. Alabama, Arkansas, Florida, Kentucky, Louisiana, Michigan, Missouri, Oklahoma, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, West Virginia and Wisconsin have all passed legislation that bans abortion without exceptions for rape or incest. 

Baradar smiled, nodded and said, "American Taliban."

Baradar was shown a 2019 letter to the GOP from Anti-Abortion groups. The letter stated, “It is our view that the value of human life is not determined by the circumstances of one’s conceptions at birth,” “A child conceived in rape is still a child.”

Baradar smiled, nodded and said, "American Taliban."

Abdul Ghani Baradar courtesy of Donald Trump and Mike Pompeo

Photograph Courtesy Sky News

Kyiv, Ukraine (THE IT OF THAT) - Putin's May 9th military parade in celebration of the Soviet Union's WWII victory celebration over Nazi Germany is looking a little spare. The available planes, tanks and armored vehicles are greatly reduced.  That's where Ukrainian farmers come in, offering to tow the destroyed, captured and abandoned Russian war machines back to Russia. "We'll tow that junk back to Moscow," said Sergiy Melnyk and with a laugh added that they were "willing to join Putin's parade." 

"We'll tow that junk back to Moscow," said Sergiy Melnyk and with a laugh added that they were "willing to join Putin's parade." 

Repeated attempts for comment from the Kremlin went unanswered. 

LATE BREAKING: Sources are saying that NATO is planning to parade the confiscated Russian Oligarch yachts, including Putin's 700 million dollar Scheherazade superyacht in the 34th annual Fleet Week in NYC from May 25, 2022 to May 31, 2022. The event has been a fixture in NYC since 1988.

Photograph from twitter @elpopGolf

Florida (THE IT OF THAT) - Disney casts Florida Governor Ron DeSantis as "Dopey" in a Seven Dwarfs reboot. The new Dopey will also be seen throughout the park, always barely peering over a little podium. "This was really a no-brainer, Dopey just suits him," the Disney spokesperson admitted sighting the only other choice for DeSantis would have been "Grumpy."

"This was really a no-brainer, Dopey just suits him"

The other six dwarfs had mixed reactions to the new Dopey. Happy was the most enthusiastic and Grumpy characteristically being the least. There was some talk about Joe Ladapo, Florida's Surgeon General, being cast as the new "Doc" but that idea was quickly shelved because of Ladapo's lack of credentials. As to the other dwarfs, Bashful was too shy to respond, Sleepy couldn't be awakened for comment and Sneezy was in quarantine after testing positive for COVID-19.

Original Seven Dwarfs photo by Loren Javier

Original Ron DeSantis DoD photo by Army Staff Sgt. Nicole Mejia

Caption supplied by the author

North Carolina (THE IT OF THAT) - Congressman Madison Cawthorn has announced he is leaving Congress to fully realize his dream of being a lingerie model. Cawthorn will be the spokesmodel for Mike Lindell's latest product, "MyBoobs™".

"Madison is the perfect choice to model MyBoobs™"

"Madison is the perfect choice to model MyBoobs™" said an appreciative Lindell who has seen sagging interest in his MyPillow™ product. "The secret is my patented fill, and the realistic way it presents as a breast."

Although the GOP dignitaries refused to be directly quoted or photographed at the launch party, their excitement in receiving a MyBoobs™ complimentary sample was undeniable.

Expect these to be turning up in select K-Street gatherings.

Cawthorn photo obtained by Politico

Caption supplied by the author

JERUSALEM (THE IT OF THAT) - Former US President Donald J. Trump has converted to Judaism in a ceremony at Jerusalem's Wailing Wall, seemingly part of a plan to escape proscution.  This follows news of Trump's hiring an exclusively Jewish legal team and a recent court decision that stipulates his trials can only be held on Saturdays.

"Former US President Donald J. Trump has converted to Judaism... part of plan to escape prosecution."

The Jewish attorneys representing Trump are David Schoen from Trump's second impeachment trial, Willard Hotel "Command Center"  insider Boris Epshteyn and longtime Trump defender Alan Dershowitz.  It is believed the plan of having limiting the court to Saturday sessions was suggested by Trump's son-in-law, Jared Kushner.

Trump's trials would be effectively be delayed forever, because as observant Jews, which now includes Trump and his lawyers, all would be prevented from Saturday attendance in the court.

The Jewish Sabbath starts at sundown on Friday, only to end after sundown Saturday night.

The Department of Justice is expected to appeal the exclusive Saturday court session decision to the Supreme Court.

Official White House Photo by Dan Hansen

Caption supplied by the author

MOSCOW BUNKER (THE IT OF THAT) -  Can Mike Lindell's My Pillow Face™ save Vladimir Putin's crumbling Commie countenance?  US sanctions deprived the depraved diminutive despot access to his cherished botox. Donald Trump, by suggesting Mike Lindell, aided fellow Kremlin cronies' desperate search for botox alternatives to maintain Putin's poofy pouty puss. 

Can Mike Lindell's My Pillow Face™ save Vladimir Putin's crumbling Commie countenance? 

Lindell was overjoyed at the opportunity. "My Pillow Face™  opens an exciting number of uses for my patented fill. I can't wait to formally release My Pillow Ass™, beyond Beta testers Donald and Ivanka Trump."  The Minneapolis businessman didn't confirm or deny rumors of Trump's testing of Lindell's My Pillow Penis™.

Photos by www.kremlin.ru 

Caption supplied by the author

Moscow (THE IT OF THAT) -  Touting his prior experience as Vladimir Putin's U.S. Presidential puppet, Donald Trump is anxiously awaiting Putin's decision for who will be installed as Ukraine's new president, according to sources close to the former U.S. President named Maggie Haberman. 

"Trump's desire for diplomatic immunity from all criminal and civil liability can be realized as a foreign dignitary."

It's also reported that John Eastman has written yet another memo, this one purporting to outline how "Trump's desire for diplomatic immunity from all criminal and civil liability can be realized as a foreign dignitary". Merchandise opportunities are sure to be exploited. "Everyone will want one, Trump boasted of his new "Make Ukraine Great Again" or "MUGA" hats, which are already in pre-production.

Caption supplied by the author

Washington DC (THE IT OF THAT) - In a move reminiscent of his casting aside multiple wives, Newt Gingrich rebuffs GOP efforts to enlist his aid in losing the midterms. "Frankly I don't want to be seen with anybody in such poor shape. America is too old, sick & ugly to be seen with me."

"America is too old, sick & ugly to be seen with me."

Kevin McCarthy was hopeful Newt could wordsmith some north star for the GOP to offer other than simply focusing all their attention to punish everyone on Trump's 2020 enemies list.  

This is not to say the 78 year-old Gingrich doesn't come with considerable baggage, not the least of which was his final act as the Republican leader, which turned a certain GOP win in 1998 into a disastrous loss, the worst midterm performance in 64 years by the opposition party.

"Newt Gingrich Is A Dumb Person’s Idea Of A Smart Person."

So what exactly is Gingrich's appeal for Kevin McCarthy? Perhaps as Andrew Sullivan noted that "Newt Gingrich Is A Dumb Person’s Idea Of A Smart Person."

Photo by Gage Skidmore

Caption supplied by the author

Washington DC (THE IT OF THAT) - Rudy Giuliani changes course, now saying he will not testify to the January 6th Committee. "I heard Oath Keepers, who I know and thought it was an opportunity to express my solidarity with my fellow patriots, so I agreed." "Only after did they say that I was to testify 'under oath' not about the Oath Keepers." "That was a dastardly trick, that will not stand."

"I heard Oath Keepers, who I know and thought it was an opportunity to express my solidarity with my fellow patriots, so I agreed"

"America's former mayor" is now joining the group including Trump insiders Jim Jordan (R-Ohio), Scott Perry (R-Pa), Mark Meadows, Steve Bannon and supplicant Kevin McCarthy (R-Ca) in refusing to testify.

Caption supplied by the author

P'yŏngyang (THE IT OF THAT) - North Korean missiles successfully hit water again, prompting official nationwide celebrations until Kim Jung-un learned that all his perceived enemies live on land. "우리가 물고기를 죽일 수 있다는 것을 증명하지 않았습니까?" -(Haven't we proved we can kill fish?)

"Kim Jung-un learned that all his perceived enemies live on land."

North Korean sources report that those directly responsible for this unforgivable oversight would not be available for comment, as no record of their ever having existed remains. 

While the future of North Korea's missile program is now in doubt, one crisis communications firm was pitching to Kim Jung-un the idea that the bombing of the ocean was an intentionaly innovative way of delivering more food to his desperately starving nation. 

North Korean sources report that those directly responsible for this unforgivable advice would not be available for comment, as no record of their ever having existed remains. 

Original Photo by Kremlin.ru

Caption supplied by the author

Wisconsin (THE IT OF THAT) - “We agree with the accommodations that the WHO made for Nu and Xi. We are demanding the same consideration,” said a spokesperson for the American Pie Board (APB) on National Pie Day. 

Anticipating another COVID-19 variant after Omicron, the American Pie Board today issued its pre-emptive demand to the World Health Organization (WHO) to skip over Pi to avoid confusion. "It would be a disastrous mistake to name the next COVID-19 variant Pi"

"It would be a disastrous mistake to name the next COVID-19 variant Pi."

Noting the catastrophic effects that would ensue from the confusion, the APB said the economic damage would be extensive. “2 Billion dollars a day are attributed to the procurement, preparation, cooking, distribution and consumption of America’s pies."

#NationalPieDay

Original Photo by  Dilyara Garifullina

Springfield (THE IT OF THAT) - "Is your Congressman a Socialist?" a folk wisdom commentary was released today by theitofthat.com. The commentary is a response to the unremiting onslaught of unfortunate disinformation causing undue confusion coming from the GOP, principally Marjorie Taylor Greene, Lauren Boebert and Kevin McCarthy. 

It is the sincrere wish of the author that this commentary and those that follow will provide information equal to the inherent goodness, wisdom and ability to sometimes discern a rascal that are the defining traits of Americans. 

Transcript:

There’s been a whole lotta folks throwing the term socialism around.

Socialism is when the government owns the means of production.

So when is the last time you bought a government car, rode on a government bus, or bought food at a government supermarket? Never happened right?

"So is it only socialism when your tax dollars benefit you?"

But you say the government's use of tax dollars is socialism, the same tax dollars that pay your mayor, congressman and senator’s salaries? 

So is it only socialism when your tax dollars benefit you?

Original Photo by Eric O. Ibekwem

Graphic contributed by the author              

Boston (THE IT OF THAT) - Officer involved pregnancy produces baby. Boston Police Department involved congratulations were given to Metropolitan Detective Roberta Jones and her husband John on the birth of their first baby, Josephine.  The OB/GYN involved birth was aided by a nurse involved procedure and reported by a publicist involved press release.  All exhibited face involved smiles when baby Josephine gave a voice involved cry upon being swatted by a hand involved slap on her newly born bottom to clear her mucus involved throat. 

"The OB/GYN involved birth was aided by a nurse involved procedure and reported by a publicist involved press release." 

After a short hospital involved stay the couple and new baby left with their car outfitted with a complimentary baby involved car seat.

Original Photo by Eric O. Ibekwem

Graphic contributed by the author              

Charlottesville (THE IT OF THAT) - In a stunning move, the Republican Party has officially revealed a new civil rights organization, the Republican Association for the Advancement of Colored People or RAACP. The similarity in name to the long established NAACP is no accident. "We believe that we are uniquely positioned to guarentee success for the next generation of people of color," Whitney "Whitey" Carlson stated. "Black face had its day, now we buy real Black faces."

"..."We believe that we are uniquely positioned to guarentee success the next generation of people of color," Whitney "Whitey" Carlson stated." 

Seeking to counter the perception and reality that the Republican Party was 90% white, with the other 10% very white, the press conference featured speakers Candace Owens, Tim Scott, Larry Elder, Clarence Thomas, Paris Dennard, Ali Alexander, Sage Steele, Diamond & Silk and Leo Terrell.

"Black people don't only show up in frame strategically placed behind President Trump at rallies," Owens decalred, "We are in front of the camera and are showcased at so called "White supremacist" conferences!" "I am booked solid, and am living the dream."

Senator Tim Scott having denied that denying racism was some kind of a "Faustian" bargain, noting correctly that the bargain involved the loss of a soul, which he clearly doesn't possess. "I owe my status, standing and stature to the RAACP."

The prepared release, headed by the statement "The rewards are many, the demands are few," characterized the benefits: 

"The RAACP will elevate and promote you through the right wing ecosystem, providing countless opportunities to increase your brand, income and the RAACP brand."

"The RAACP will elevate and promote you through the right wing ecosystem, providing countless opportunities to increase your brand, income and the RAACP brand."

...and the conditions:

First and foremost you must be a Soulless Opportunist.

Next, deny Systemic Racism as evidenced in:

American History gaslighting textbooks and curriculum, Slavery, Voting rights, Redlining, Neighborhood Covenants, Tuskegee Syphilis Experiment, Insurance Company Policies, Restrictive Quotas, FHA loans, City planning, Highway construction, Cointelpro, Environmental racism, Police violence, Criminal Justice System, Segregated professions, Occupation restrictions.

“In its denial of objective reality and in fact the advancement of persistent, virulent and pernicious racism against people of color, this “Republican” Party can no longer be acknowledged as the party of Lincoln."

The RAACP is not without its critics. Speaking on behalf of the NAACP, their spokesperson issued this strong rebuke.

“In its denial of objective reality and in fact the advancement of persistent, virulent and pernicious racism against people of color, this “Republican” Party can no longer be acknowledged as the party of Lincoln."

"How can a party that denies slavery and works to whitewash history be considered as unchanged from the party that emancipated slaves and fought a civil war to end slavery?”

Graphic contributed by the author              

Minneopolis (THE IT OF THAT) - In a surprising turn of events, 2 threads of presumably purged Minnesota State Patrol emails have emerged. While the origin of the release has not been revealed, outside of a "watch party" for D.W. Griffith's "Birth of a Nation," where the redacted "Officer 2" commented that he would bring "the [KKK] hoods and robes," the communications hint at a strange pattern of culinary choices. The text of the thread discussing a grocery store shopping list was given to the press. Officer 3 is a veteran officer. Officer 4 is a first year officer.

"...presumably purged Minnesota State Patrol emails have emerged." 

Officer 3: White bread, white American cheese, white flour, mayonnaise, white beans, vanilla ice cream, rice 

Officer 4: Wild? 

Officer 3: No white

Officer 3: White corn, cottage cheese, Oreo cookies.

Officer 4: I know the white ones.

Officer 3: Correct.

Officer 3: and milk.

Officer 4: Chocolate milk? 

Officer 3: What are you kidding me?

"a "watch party" for D.W. Griffith's "Birth of a Nation,"...he would bring "the [KKK] hoods and robes"  

American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) attorneys expressed disapointment with the finding. "Clearly the bias towards "white" foods is revealed by this pattern of only wanting white foods." 

Asked to respond State Patrol spokesman Inspector Gordon found nothing unusual, adding "Why is everthing race with you?"

Original Photo by Tony Webster

Caption contributed by the author              

Kabul (THE IT OF THAT) - "We are so much alike, it just seemed natural," a beaming Gov. Greg Abbott announced as he signed the official documents merging Texas and the Taliban. Taliban leader Baradar was likewise effusive in his praise of Texas' recent laws against women, minorities and voting, proclaiming "Don't mess with Texas & Taliban." When asked, Baradar also acknowledged Trump for releasing him from prison and handing Afghanistan back to the Taliban.

"We are so much alike, it just seemed natural" 

Asked for specific areas of agreement, Gov. Abbott talked of education. "We [Texas & Taliban] agree that public education provides dangerous ideas, like America's so-called racist history. Nothing could be further than the truth! Everyone knows that America was unoccupied until Europeans arrived, the WWII Japanese "internment camps" were actually cooking schools* and George Washington never had slave's teeth extracted for his own use." 

"Everyone knows that America was unoccupied until Europeans arrived, the WWII Japanese "internment camps" were actually cooking schools and George Washington never had slave's teeth extracted for his own use." 

"If CRT is to be critical of anything, it should be critical of socialist fascist communist collectivists!" Ken Paxton, the still indicted Texas Attorney General shouted to loud applause of the Brooks Brothers crowd.

Asked for comment by the Texas Tribune, Rep. Ron Reynolds (D-Missouri City) “Erasing an uncomfortable reality of our past does not benefit our students with the knowledge they need to understand the present to work towards a better future,” He added that this is a “blatant attempt to censor valuable education in our classrooms and whitewash our history.”

When asked about a possible name merging, like "Texasiban" or "Taliexas" spokesperson Cheeta Mitchell said not at this time, although a subsequent domain search did reveal that those variations have been purchased by "Keep America First," a shadow entity of the Bradley Foundation.

*how else to explain all the Japanese restaurants?

Caption contributed by the author              

Switzerland (THE IT OF THAT) - "The College frat houses bat and lab leak cover stories are just not working," admonished Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus, the World Health Organization (WHO) director general, “The Greek fraternities have to come clean as the true sources of the pandemic.” 

"We hope by adopting the Greek alphabet that identifies fraternities to also identify the variants, that process starts today, as does cleaning Covid-19 out of frat houses' refrigerators.” This point was made very explictily for attendees as the WHO director general accompanied his address with graphic images of Covid-19 infested refrigerators. 

“We hope by adopting the Greek alphabet that identifies fraternities to also identify the variants, that process starts today, as does cleaning out their refrigerators”

Greek fraternities were described as “hot houses” that both incubated and propagated the virus and then instigated the disinformation campaign to blame China through the bat and lab leak stories.

“Owning the pandemic was way too much, said Brett Havadraught, a self-described “frat enthusiast”

The frat houses have had a string of really high profile PR challenges, with drinking related hazing deaths leading to desertification on many college campuses.

Alcoholic blackouts, which proved an effective alibi for all manner of deviant and criminal behavior and White House Supreme Court vetting, simply were not going to be useful to obscure Greek frats' responsibility for launching a pandemic (πανδημία).

Some frat bros. rationalized their actions,  “Owning the pandemic was way too much," said Brett Havadraught, a self-described “frat enthusiast." Turning to guys on couch, Brett asked, “What does somebody have to do to get a cold one around here?”

Original Photo by Chander Mohan 

Caption contributed by the author              

West Texas (THE IT OF THAT) - "Thank you Amazon team for making this bladder demonstration possible", Former Amazon CEO, Jeff Bezos told an incredulous crowd as he stepped out of his Blue Origin capsule after his return to Earth.  "I have gone to great lengths to prove that none of you need the frequent piss breaks you have been bitching about."  

"Hey look, I went to space and held my piss..." 

Talking as if he was too rich to care, Bezos continued, to the horror of his PR director. "Hey look, I went to space and held my piss proving if you have the will there is a way", Bezos said proclaiming that Amazon is no place for workers with weak bladders. Bezos and crew reportedly held their need to expel bodily fluids for the entire 11 minute Body Fluid Demonstration (BFD). 

"Some little men ride motorcycles, to you know, compensate"

Onlookers initially were struck by the sight of phallically inspired projectile rising from the flat West Texas landscape seeking to penetrate space. "Some little men ride motorcycles, to you know, compensate", said Sadie Wilborn, a West Texas native and first time rocket observer. Her friend, Annie Richards added, "That's true, but around here, if I had a nickel for every sawed off sausage who packed his "manhood" in a holster, I'd be rich enough to have my own goddamn rocket!"

Original Photo of Jeff Bezos by James Dunkin Davidson under a Creative Commons license

Caption contributed by the author              

New York (THE IT OF THAT) - "Remember to smile for your prison mugshot," taunted Leona Helmsley enjoying the news of the Trump Corporation, doing business as (d/b/a) the Trump Organization, the Trump Payroll Corporation, (d/b/a) the Trump Organization and CFO Allen Weisselberg were indicted on fifteen federal counts including criminal tax fraud, conspiracy and grand larceny, like the ones that landed her in prison. Donald famously excoriated Leona calling her a "disgrace to humanity" for her tax cheating conviction.

"Donny's pretending to be smart, tough and successful is laughable. None of that is true. When I call him an absolute idiot, I'm joining the majority" 

"Donny's pretending to be smart, tough and successful is laughable. None of that is true. When I call him an absolute idiot, I'm joining the majority"

"How the story of his demise unfolds is the part I will enjoy the most," confided Leona. "Isn't it beautiful that Giuliani had his law license suspended! He won't be available to defend Donny in New York courts. Rudy prosecuted me, you know. Boy has he deteriorated, what a disaster! Do you think he could spring for some Gas X, pay for a dye job or stay out of Borat movies?" 

"Here's something to consider Donny, '' said his onetime real estate rival, "Convicted felons in New York can not have alcohol licenses, and because most of my hotels had bars, I had to give up my empire." "Do you need me to translate Donny?"

"Convicted felons in New York can not have alcohol licenses and because most of my hotels had bars, I had to give up my empire."

"So you think that Trump will be charged and convicted?" asked reporter Bronan Feral. "He signed many of the illegal compensation checks himself, what a loser," Helmsley exclaimed. "Even I didn't do that and I was convicted."  

"What did you learn from your very public humiliation?" asked Feral. "That the little people do pay taxes and that is why they don't go to jail."

"When God created Trump, the world received no favors.” 

"Final thoughts, Leona?" 

"When God created Trump, the world received no favors.” Feral laughed while Helmsley continued, "Oh what did he always say about Hillary, Lock her up? That is what I say to Trump now, Lock him up!" 

Caption contributed by the author              

New York (THE IT OF THAT) - "My philanthropy has always been guided by a desire to build better societies," said George Soros referencing the 32 billion dollars he has donated in his lifetime, "I am greatly concerned for the plight of the fascist, communist and nationalist rulers who will be bereft of a prominent Jew to blame for the inevitable failure of their anti-democratic policies that do nothing to alleviate the misery of those they are sworn to serve when I pass away."

"I am greatly concerned for the plight of the fascist, communist and nationalist rulers who will be bereft of a prominent Jew to blame... when I pass away."

"To that end I am announcing a world wide search for the chosen one, a Jewish child, who intellectually challenged authoritarian politicians including Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin, XI Jingping, Recep Tayyip Erdoğan, Viktor Orbán, Newt Gingrich, Ron DeSantis, Greg Abbott, Ted Cruz, Marjorie Taylor Greene, Matt Gaetz, Paul Gosar, Louie Gohmert and right wing media "entertainers" including Glenn Beck, Alex Jones, Ann Coulter, Tucker Carlson, Dinesh D'Souza and Joseph diGenova will be able to direct all their antisemitic conspiracy fantasies on for decades, thereby leaving the rest of humanity to live in peace and prosperity." 

"I feel a great responsibility having replaced the Rothschilds in the pantheon of Jewish villians," continued the Holocaust survivor and passionate anti-communist, "with this action I will ensure that antisemites capacity for illogical maniacal hatred is diverted away from humanity for the forseeable future."

"I feel a geat responsibility having replaced the Rothschilds in the pantheon of Jewish villains"

Soros's philanthropic efforts as noted in Wikipedia:

By 2017, his donations "on civil initiatives to reduce poverty and increase transparency, and on scholarships and universities around the world" totaled $12 billion.[21] 

He influenced the collapse of communism in Eastern Europe in the late 1980s and early 1990s,[22] and provided one of Europe's largest higher education endowments to the Central European University in his Hungarian hometown.[23]

In September 2006, Soros pledged $50 million to the Millennium Promise, led by economist Jeffrey Sachs to provide educational, agricultural, and medical aid to help villages in Africa enduring poverty. The New York Times termed this endeavor a "departure" for Soros whose philanthropic focus had been on fostering democracy and good government, but Soros noted that most poverty resulted from bad governance.[280]

Time magazine in 2007 cited two specific projects—$100 million toward Internet infrastructure for regional Russian universities, and $50 million for the Millennium Promise to eradicate extreme poverty in Africa—noting that Soros had given $742 million to projects in the U.S., and given away a total of more than $7 billion.[278]

Other notable projects have included aid to scientists and universities throughout central and eastern Europe, help to civilians during the siege of Sarajevo, and Transparency International. Soros also pledged an endowment of €420 million to the Central European University (CEU).

In August 2009, Soros donated $35 million to the state of New York to be earmarked for underprivileged children and given to parents who had benefit cards at the rate of $200 per child aged 3 through 17, with no limit as to the number of children that qualified. An additional $140 million was put into the fund by the state of New York from money they had received from the 2009 federal recovery act.[48]

Since 2016, Soros has been donating sums exceeding $1 million to the campaigns of progressive criminal justice reform proponents through the Safety and Justice PAC in local district attorney elections. In many districts, such large contributions were unprecedented and the campaigning strategy was "turned on its head" with a focus on incarceration, police misconduct and bail system, according to the Los Angeles Times.[111][112] 

Original Photo of George Soros by Michael Wuertenberg

swiss-image.ch under a Creative Commons license

Caption contributed by the author               

Seattle (THE IT OF THAT) - "Replatforming Donald Trump will ensure that Facebook will outlive the democratic republic currently known as the United States." "Putting profits over people has been our guiding principle," Zuckerberg explained. 

"Replatforming Donald Trump will ensure that Facebook will outlive the democratic republic currently known as the United States."

Confident that Facebook's infinitesimally small handouts to journalism organizations and initiatives will ensure obedient compliance from a dying industry, Zuckerberg was ebullient, "Allowing Trump back in will distract the press, silence the left and right wing cancel advocates, and generate billions of dollars." "Think of all the ads for MyHoody™, poles, pepper spray, tactical and cosplay gear for the next insurrection."

When asked by a reporter for Mother Jones to justify Facebook's meager efforts to limit false Covid-19 and 2020 Election information, as "Some consider the misinformation you monetize a deadly menace," Zuckerberg in a lengthy answer seemingly answered but upon review of all the recorded assets and transcript actually said nothing. 

"The replatforming of Covid-19 is under serious discussion." 

Back on point, a reflective Zuckerberg confided, "We have figured out how to monetize people's thoughts, aspirations and actions." Looking to the future, Zuckerberg added, "The replatforming of Covid-19 is under serious discussion by the Oversight Board." 

Original Photo of Zuckerberg by Anthony Quintano under a Creative Commons license

Caption contributed by the author               

Earth (THE IT OF THAT) - "Greatest pandemic in 100 years! I want to thank all who made this possible. We've come a long way and hopefully with your help, there are many more deaths to go!" a smiling Covid-19 said appropriately wearing a crown atop his crowns.

"But I can't set the record by myself," Covid-19 admitted, talking about his aim to kill all humans. "To kill humanity, I will need your help." 

Covid-19 listed the specifics, "I need you to not get tested and vaccinated, don't wear a mask, don't social distance and don't wash your hands. Is that too much to ask?"

"To kill humanity, I will need your help." 

A clearly distraught Covid-19 continued, "I am engaged in a race against time. The vaccine is protecting people before I can infect them. If I can't infect new people, I can't mutate. I'm finished."

On a positive note Covid-19 praised efforts to discourage vaccinations and announced its first organizational awards. First prize goes to Fox News. "No outlet did more to spread misinformation about me, and for that I am eternally grateful." Equating freedom with choosing not to wear a mask to protect yourself against a deadly airborn virus was inspired!"  

"Making mask waring, getting tested and now getting the vaccine a partisan Repblican issue was genius." "I couldn't have improved the messaging if I had personally attended Fox editorial and White House Coronavirus Task Force Meetings myself!" 

Covid-19 went on to say what was truly remarkable was that Fox's corporate attitude behind the scenes was completely counter to the information they presented to the public as truthful. "How many times did they decry testing on-air, or call me a hoax?, Covid-19 asked.  Indeed Fox News Media CEO Suzanne Scott admitted after Fox personnel contracted Covid-19, “We will have enhanced testing procedures in place and increased safety protocols have been instituted throughout all our buildings since the pandemic.”

"The one moment that concerned me was when Trump admitted that I was more dangerous than the flu..."

The Covid-19 individual award goes to former President Trump. "Trump did a marvelous job, with Operation Warp Speed his ownly blemish,"  Covid-19 said, adding that "The one moment that concerned me was when Trump admitted that I was more dangerous than the flu to Bob Woodward on February 7, 2020. "I would have been severely hampered if he acted on the true nature of my threat to American's lives by forcefully leading with masks, distancing and hand washing until the vaccine was available." 

Covid-19 said that Trump and Fox have to considered a tandem entry as well, given the number of times he and his administration were guests." "I can't believe how effective they were in countering and undermining Fauci [Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases (NIAID), Anthony Fauci]."

"I could not have achieved that many deaths without the excellent work of the Anti-Vaxxers to spread fear about the vaccines."  

The Covid-19 non-official award goes to all Anti-Vaxxers. "It pains me to say it, but the vaccines are a miracle." "I could not have achieved that many deaths without the excellent work of the Anti-Vaxxers to spread fear about the vaccines."  

The Covid-19 award for most helpful individual/non-government person goes to Robert F. Kennedy Jr. "An Instagram ban hasn't slowed his efforts on my behalf," Covid-19 admiringly noted. In the Center for Countering Digital Hate report, "The Disinformation Dozen" Kennedy is listed as one of the twelve individuals and organizations responsible for the bulk of anti-vaxx content shared or posted on Facebook and Twitter. 

In particular, Covid-19 said that a recent film produced by Kennedy, Medical Racism, The New Aparthied which targeted Black and Latino families with misinformation about the vaccine was incredibly helpful.

"I hope that people do not look at the legal information and disclaimer, and the crafty way it disavows what the film asserts," Covid-19 said, "that would undue all the good." 

"I love to see mask burning, particularly when the parents bring their children!"  

Sometimes silence is just as valuable as active misinformation. The award for silent non-opposition goes to Dr. Deborah Birks. "I loved the way Dr. Birx would just stand behind Trump and remain mute when he was telling the American people absolute nonsense." "I will always have a special place in my heart for her."

Asked what gives him hope, Covid-19 pointed to public displays of mask burning. "I think it is amazing, I love to see mask burning, particularly when the parents bring their children!"  

Covid-19 Image supplied by the subject    

Caption contributed by the author                               

Mar-a-Lago - Moscow (THE IT OF THAT) - In an unprecedented action, former President Trump has been recalled to Russia. He left Mar-a-Lago early this morning bound for Moscow. This action happens ahead of any specific expulsion orders against Russsian agents by the United States government. 

"Today, the United States took far-reaching action against the Russian Government in response to its harmful acts. We will continue to hold Russia to account for its adversarial actions," said Anthony Blinken, US Secretary of State.

BuzzFeed has received receipts showing one way tickets to Moscow on Russian Airline, Aeroflot were purchased anonymously for four Mar-a-Lago residents, former POTUS, FLOTUS, Jason Miller and Stephen Miller.

"He is simply an asset who is no longer useful," Kremlin insider Boris Badinov ruefully stated. "We had a good run, dasvidaniya." 

There was no mention of the former president's children, grandchildren, mistresses, former mistresses, future mistresses, staff,  jailed awaiting trial insurrectionists, yet to be charged insurrectionists including seditionist Russian asset congressional allies, Rudy Guiliani, Sidney Powell, Lin Wood, Roger Stone, Paul Manafort, Fox News useful idiots or Mike Lindell.

Trump spokesperson and soon to be Russian citizen Jason Miller uncharacteristically had no reaction to House Intelligence Chairman Rep. Adam Schiff's (CA-D) assertion that “The tough measures ordered today by President Biden make clear that the United States will no longer turn a blind eye to Russian malign activity.” 

It is not confirmed that Rep. Matt Gaetz (Florida-R) had requested to accompany Trump. 

"He is simply an asset who is no longer useful," Kremlin insider Boris Badinov ruefully stated. "We had a good run, dasvidaniya." 

Trump was detained and debriefed onboard by his KGB handler, Natasha Badinov, in advance of his chilly encounter with President Putin. 

Somewhat defensively, Ms. Badinov felt compelled to praise the massive fissure in American democracy that her asset had unleashed, no doubt hoping that his ultimate failure would not portend disastrous implications for her and husband Boris. 

Ms. Badinov had compiled an extensive list of Trump's accomplishments including, 

• publically discounting US intelligence in favor of President Putin on many occasions. 

• calling Putin a "strong leader" and that Putin had done "a really great job outsmarting our country."

• providing cover for Putin's annexation of Crimea, saying "he [Putin] did an amazing job of taking the mantle" and thankfully repeating a Kremlin talking point, saying, "The people of Crimea, from what I've heard, would rather be with Russia than where they were." 

• encouraging, not forcefully opposing, Russian election meddling in 2016,  "Russia, if you're listening, I hope you're able to find the 30,000 emails that are missing,"

• refusing to call Putin a killer, "There are a lot of killers. Do you think our country [US] is so innocent?"

• giving Russia classified intelligence with two senior Russian officials in the Oval Office.

• advancing Russian interests by criticizing and alienating NATO allies and calling NATO "obsolete."

• reluctance to sign Russian sanctions, claiming they contained, "clearly unconstitutional provisions."

• proposing to form with Russia "an impenetrable Cyber Security unit" to combat "election hacking."

• thanking Putin for expelling US diplomats, "I want to thank him because we're [US] trying to cut down our payroll." 

• eased sanctions on Russian oligarch and Putin ally Oleg Deripaska and three companies he controls for Deripaska's support for Russian interference in the US 2016 election.

• congratulated Putin on his election victory. Western observers characterized the victory as a "sham."

• praising far-right pro-Russian European leaders including French politician Marine Le Pen and hosting Hungrarian Prime Minister and Kremlin ally Viktor Orban at the White House.

• spread Russian disinformation about Ukraine, helping Putin's goal of destabilizing US-Ukraine relations.

• approving plans to about one-third of US troops out of Germany, a move opposed by nearly two dozen Republican lawmakers who said Trump's decision would "strengthen the position of Russia to our [US] detriment."

Former FLOTUS Melania Trump is nevertheless hoping to make a smooth transition to life in Russia. The Slovenian native purportedly speaks five languages, although no evidence of her linguistic ability exists, other than her mastery of english swear words, captured in her memorable holiday "Who gives a F#@k about Christmas" recording.

In the picture Putin calls Trump a "проигравший," which means loser.

Official White House Photo by Shealah Craighead    

Captions contributed by the author                               

Mar-a-Lago (THE IT OF THAT) - "MyHoody™ is simply the best fitting, softest, whitest hoody that you will ever own," Mike Lindell proclaimed in a hastily presented press conference in the lobby of Mar-a-Lago.

"MyHoody™ is the best fitting, softest, whitest hoody that you will ever own"

The press release states "Boasting classic styling and ergonomic fit, the patented whisk sweat away Egyptian cotton promises to keep even the reddest neck cool during those white hot cross burnings, parades and insurrections." 

The guests for the exclusive GOP fundraiser were pleased to receive complimentary MyHoody™Premiums.  Those with children received the MyHoodyJr.

One CEO, who requested anonymity admitted, "Publically I will condemn GOP voter suppression efforts, but I assure you that I will wear this in private when I send money to the GOP. 

MyHoody™ is now available in a crop top suitable for midnight rides.

MyHoodyJr™ is available for kids.

SPECIAL LIMITED TIME OFFER

Receive two MyHoody™ Premiums for the price of one if you use promo code Coup 45 

All proceeds from MyHoody™ and the rest of the company will go to Dominion and Smartmatic.

Don’t be caught without your MyHoody™ when the insurrection happens again!

Original Photo by Adam Jones under a Creative Commons license

Caption contributed by the author                               

Bahamas (THE IT OF THAT) - "You'll have to pry this yacht from my cold wet fingers!" defiant National Rifle Association (NRA) leader Wayne LaPierre threatened startled vacationers who docked next to his slip in the Bahamas. 

"What is wrong with him?" Aaron Franklin turned and asked a deckhand, one of three crew members who along with a chef manned "The Illusion", a 108-foot (32.92 meter) yacht for the LaPierre family. "The yacht is the only thing that makes him feel safe." 

"I don't think stand your ground means hop on a yacht"

NRA rank and file reaction to news about LaPierre's aquatic adventures was mixed, at best. "I don't think stand your ground means hop on a yacht", Brian "Big Tooth" Blanky, who added that his annual contributions were not intended to facilitate Mr. LaPierre's lifestyle, in decidedly less reserved tones. 

"Perhaps that lying thief should say "Boats not bullets, really big f#$@ing boats."

LaPierre was unapologetic for his belief that the yacht made him safer than a gun, "This was the one place that I hope could feel safe, where I remember getting there going, ‘Thank God I’m safe, nobody can get me here.’”

LaPierre has twice sought safe harbor on board by escaping from the US in the summers following the school shooting massacres in 2012 and 2018 at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Connecticut and at Parkland High School in Florida, respectively.

Recognized by his attorney as a "master fundraiser" LaPierre has since moved on to his next self described "constitutionally inspired mission", the National Yachting Association (NYA). "Every American has as their birthright "Life, Liberty and The Pursuit of Happiness". "What guarantees you safety to enjoy  "Life, Liberty and The Pursuit of Happiness" better than a yacht?"

Shannon Watts, the founder of Moms Demand Action, a gun control group, took issue with Lapierre's pivot on Twitter writing, "The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good friend with a yacht?"

Original Photo by Gage Skidmore under a Creative Commons license

Caption contributed by the author                               

Georgia (THE IT OF THAT) - In a reckless and widespread effort to cancel Georgian's votes, lives and future, Gov. Brian Kemp (Georgia-R) accidently cancelled himself. "I only meant to eliminate any chance to have a fair and equitable society," said the strangely disembodied voice from somewhere in the room. "Now I have become a footnote, the lost cause's lost soul." 

The assembled crowd of Republican dignitaries had gathered on a slightly overcast morning at the state capitol expecting to share pastries and pleasantries fully expecting a successful addition to their nationwide voter suppression campaign.

"He just magically vanished from view"

In a flash seventy-one of Metro Atlanta's ninety-four Mail Box Drops used for the 2020 general election disappeared, leaving just twenty three for all of Fulton, Cobb, DeKalb and Gwinnett Counties. These four counties accounted for nearly half of President Biden's winning total in Georgia. The remaining Mail Box Drops now need to each accommodate over fifty thousand ballots.

Obscured by the crowd's applause, self-congratulating and selfie taking was the disappearance of Kemp.

"He just magically vanished from view," a shocked TV reporter for GPTV recounted for CNN before the governor's voice was heard again.

Once acclimated to his shocking new reality, Kemp wistfully recounted a happier time. "During my Covid quarantine I was on FOX, OAN, NEWSMAX basically anyone and everyone who had a camera, microphone and a grievance."  

"His numbers were down," Political insider Luke Lankford said. "Let's face it, oh sorry Governor, Shifty apologized awkwardly not realizing that Kemp was next to him, "Up until Governor Kemps unfortunate self-cancellation, he was on a hot streak."

Asked to assess Kemp's political future, Luke pointed to Washington. "Being invisible is a great asset, folks have remained there for years accomplishing nothing by being virtually invisible. The way I see it, Ole Kemp has the advantage. The way to riches points to D.C." 

Caricature by DonkeyHoteh  under a Creative Commons license

Caption contributed by the author                               

Florida (THE IT OF THAT) - Embracing his recent notoriety Rep. Matt Gaetz (Florida-R) has formed USA Miss Teens! Slated to start as soon as all congressional duties and legal actions have concluded, barring prison time, the pageant is for girls who are 15-17 years old, have no strong role models, need money and are easily impressed. The initial pageant is tentatively scheduled for July 4, 2022.

"Procurement of the initial contestants will be greatly abetted by personal contacts of the congressman."

Asked about the exclamation mark in the title, recently hired spokesperson Biff Dundershot said that was intentional, bringing particular attention to the age of the contestant. "Great pains are being taken to confirm that the prospective contestants haven't aged out, which in this case would be turning 18."

"Procurement of the initial contestants will be greatly abetted by personal contacts of the congressman."

In this effort, Gaetz is following in the footsteps of his idol, the twice popular vote losing, twice impeached, now wedding crasher Donald Trump who ran the Miss USA, Miss Universe and Miss Teen USA, before nearly ruining the United States of America.

Original Photo by Gage Skidmore under a Creative Commons license

Caption contributed by the author                               

Mar-a-Lago (THE IT OF THAT) - In a startling development, former president Donald Trump's long awaited tell-all book "If I did it" in which he seemingly admits full knowledge of the planning, execution and ultimate failure of the insurrection, if only to blame all those around him.

"What a worthless group of idiots. Simple, simple, simple. Pence refuses to certify, the electors are refused, the country erupts in riots, I declare martial law. New electors are named by the states and my presidency continues." Then Trump recounted his "Plan B", "The insurrectionists capture Pence and convince him to follow Plan A."

"Everyone knows Trump did it, that made the book a tough sell"

The much awaited book could bring Trump some much needed money. Various news reports have stated his upcoming debt payments on personnaly secured loans to be in excess of 400 million dollars. Unfortunately the book advance is rumored to be far short of those figures, in the 1.5-3 million dollar range.

"Everyone knows Trump did it, that made the book a tough sell," Literary agent Buz Schneider admitted, adding that he nevertheless managed to secure a 5 million dollar advance. "Trump insisted on renegotiating the deal I made and ended up with much less"

Caption contributed by the author                  

Georgia (THE IT OF THAT) - "We're Winning," Eustus Semple said as Georgia's Governor Kemp signed new election rules into law.  Still relishing his days as a Confederate on the battlefield, Semple was heartened to learn that the struggle for White supremacy continues unabated. 

"Please some clarity, why do they [Blacks] have right to vote?"

"While I am greatly encouraged by the recent turn of events, particularly the law that eliminates the obstacle of a recalcitrant secretary of state and enables the suspension and replacement of county election officials when they don't naturally arrive at the right result, Semple declared,  "I am nonetheless perplexed as to the necessity of the aforementioned governmental remedy."  

"Please some clarity, why do they [Blacks] have right to vote?"

Learning that there are laws that enshrine equality and voting rights for all, Semple continued, "This is a dastardly affront to my sense of propriety and the dignity of my race." 

As to the inviolability of laws, Semple wryly noted, "As has been most demonstrably demonstrated, laws can and will be altered, amended and if necessary abolished.

Photo of Confederate soldier by Jen Theodore on Unsplash

Caption contributed by the author                  

Washington DC (THE IT OF THAT) - "Youth is wasted on the young, as is democracy." In an effort to reverse the cultural and demographic crisis for Republicans, and fearful that their nationwide effort to restrict voting will be insufficient to achieve apartheid levels* of minority control, The Heritage Foundation released a stunning position paper today to the GOP.  The conclusion, raise the voting age to 65. The paper breaks down the issue in stark terms. 

"...they are more conservative, easier to control, so responsive to really basic propaganda which appeals to their sense of loss."

"Its this simple, Republicans own the older, non-college educated and non-urban white voters, particularly after 65," said Heritage Foundation spokesman Bertram Thomas, "they are more conservative, easier to control, so responsive to really basic propaganda which appeals to their sense of loss. The loss born of a time characterized by a comfortable racial supremacy where even the poorest white felt superior to the most accomplished Black."

The Heritage Foundation paper quotes CNN's Ron Brownstein:

[There exists] an existential long-term danger to Republican control of Sun Belt states where they have held the upper hand for years: Kids of color now compose a clear majority of the under 18 population in Arizona, Texas, Georgia and Florida, and nearly half in the Carolinas."

"The Democrats want more people voting, we are comfortable advocating for fewer," said Beatrice Monder of the Republic National Committee, as long as they are the right kind."  

*Although the US Senate is equally divided with 50 Democrats and 50 Republicans, The 50 Democratic Senators represent over 40 million more Americans.

Photo of lady by Cristian Newman on Unsplash

Photo of voting sticker by Element5 on Unsplash

Caption contributed by the author                  

Mar-a-Lago (THE IT OF THAT) - "Love the slogan, hate the picture," rural Trump supporters reacted to an early test of the words and image for Trump's new social media platform. "Yes We Klan...just great," Brett Merrill wrote on the survey form. "It was Obama's slogan right?" 

"I am really pleased my 'Yes We Klan' resonated..."

Trump insider and main proponent of the wildly popular "kids in cages" policy Stephen Miller came up with the slogan. "It just occurred to me during a meeting looking at the numbers," Miller said. " "I am really pleased my 'Yes We Klan' resonated in the room with insiders Cruz, Hawley, Lee, Graham, Brooks, Boebert, Gohmert, Gaetz and Greene." 

"Although President Trump is very encouraged that the slogan has received great support among his voters, he is mad that his image didn't."  He was so upset, continued Miller, "That he fired the one who made the stylized image from the team, not realizing it had been Eric." (Trump's son Eric) 

Notably the posters placed in rural Gonzales County, Texas faired better than the Wax Sculpture of Trump at Louis Tussaud's Waxxworks in San Antonio, Texas. The sculpture had to be removed after it was repeatedly punched and scratched by paying visitors.

One key difference is San Antonio, a major city located in Bexar County, favored Biden over Trump, 58.3% to 40.1%, while the posters placed in rural Gonzales County voted heavily in favor of Trump over Biden, 73.6% to 25.5%.

Trump spokesperson Jason Miller, announced that new images are being tested. For inspiration the team is conducting further research with "Fascists for Dummies," the book, not the Jeopardy category, featuring the iconography of Hitler and Mussolini. 

The book has been used once before to inform the imagery and message of the openly fascistic video celebrating Trump at the Elipse prior to the insurrection on January 6, 2021.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Caption contributed by the author                  

Georgia (THE IT OF THAT) - The Georgia legislature passess bill that requires Black Indigenous People of Color (BIPOC) voters to wear uniforms and ankle restraints. 

The new legislation is meant to insure that BIPOC votes would be suppressed, in case the recent prohibitions aren't sufficient.

"We can't leave anything to chance, too much is at stake."

The new voting laws include the prohibition on supplying food or water to prospective BIPOC voters waiting in line and limiting the number of drop boxes in predominently BIPOC districts. 

"We can't leave anything to chance, too much is at stake," said Republican State Rep. Loretta Cartwright, who has long advocated for preservation. 

Local law enforcement was vocal in their support for the latest action of the legislature. 

"We will not stand to see a replication of the disorderly behavior that clearly disturbed the peace," stated John "Bull" Wallace, chief magistrate and advocate for the bill. 

Wallace went on to state that any resemblance to prison chain gangs exists "purely in the warped mind of the liberal elite."

Note: The picture above was presented in closed session. 

Chain Gang Photo by Patrick Denker under a Creative Commons license

Voter Photo by April Sikorski under a Creative Commons license

Caption contributed by the author                  

Mar-a-Lago (THE IT OF THAT) - Former president Trump released a picture of a draft copy of his new autobiography, MY BIGLY LIFE, prepared just days after the January 6, 2021 insurrection. The picture features the smiling former president in the White House, his opened book and part of former vice president Mike Pence. 

Trump spokesperson Jason Miller speaking on condition of non-anonymity revealed the strategy of pre-releasing the draft prior to the reported sit down interviews with a slew of writers including The New York Times's Jeremy Peters and Maggie Haberman and according to Politico, Michael Wolff. "I have to sit through and monitor all those interviews," Miller said acknowledging the difficulty of keeping Trump from incriminating himself. 

"The plan is for me to interrupt the interviews by referring to his diet coke, with 'Don't you need a refill?,' or 'You are sounding a little horse,' to signal him to stop."

Photo by History in HD on Unsplash

Caption contributed by the author                  

Washington DC (THE IT OF THAT) - "I am so thankful to be fully awake and freed from the shackles of near suspended animation," the 150 year-old McConnell speaking rapidly admitted to a startled group of Senate members as he bench pressed successive reps of 300lbs. and then sprinted around the track in the Senate exercise room. 

Minority leader McConnell said that his slow and deliberate speech was the only public manifstation of his excruciating slow metabolism, other than his requirement for only one meal a month. 

Shamir Wilkins of the Associated Press reported that even for those who knew McConnell best were shocked at the eating revelation, as in retrospect they could only remember seeing him very infrequently in the Senate Dining Room. 

"I assumed he just didn't like me, said US Senator Ted Cruz, (Texas-R), which was subsequently confirmed by McConnell as true, yet not the reason for him not choosing to dine with the junior senator from Texas. 

McConnell pledges to use his newfound energy to switch even faster between supporting and criticising Donald Trump. 

Original Photo by Gage Skidmore under a Creative Commons license

Caption contributed by the author                  

Brooklyn (THE IT OF THAT) - "Nothing to see here," Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene (Georgia-R) was overheard on her cell when she ducked outside following a tour of a yeshiva, Matzah bakery, kosher supermarket and restaurant, all part of Orthodox Jewish communities in Brooklyn and Long Island, New York. "No space laser master control," she finished, sneaking her cell back in her bag.

Congresswoman Greene's host was Nachman Mostofsky, a self described friend of Greene's, who in addition to being a Twitter follower of Congresswoman Greene's is the executive director of Chovevei Zion, an Orthodox conservative group based in Brooklyn. According to the Forward, Mr. Mostofsky called this "an educational" trip. 

"Thank you for the Knishes, Kugel and Kishka, Nachman!," said the appreciative Congresswoman as she was leaving. "Say hello to your brother for me." Mostofsky's brother Aaron achieved minor fame as the other pelt wearing occupant, who along with Jake Angeli, the self styled QAnon Shaman, was inside the Capitol during the January 6, 2021 insurrection.

NOT SATIRE: Aaron Mostofsky, who according to his brother Nachman was "shoved into" the Capitol during the January 6, 2021 insurrection, has been indicted by a federal grand jury with 8 counts, including several felonies. 

Texas (THE IT OF THAT) - "Texas will never be second to California and NY. My leadership will produce the most Covid-19 deaths of any state in the nation," a defiant Republican Texas governor, Greg Abbott proclaimed. 

When asked how he intends to best California and NY, Abbott boasted that between Texas's abysmal innoculation rate, (Texas is tied for 47th among the 50 states) and his repeal of the mask mandate just in time for spring break, it won't be long until Texas takes the lead. 

According to the CDC as of January 12, California had the most Covid-19 deaths with 55,095, followed by New York and NYC which combined to have 48,640 and Texas was third nationally with 45,474 Covid-19 deaths.

Original Photo of Greg Abbott by Gage Skidmore under a Creative Commons license

Caption contributed by the author                              

New York (THE IT OF THAT) - "Cancel the fence and don't inhibit the freedom of the Proud Poodles," said Sean Hannity, decrying Speaker Pelosi's new children's book, "The Three Little Pigs and The Unguarded House...and Senate."

The updated classic includes the three little pigs and in a twist, poodles. The Proud Poodles are directed by an evil landlord who wants to evict the piggys leaving his own pigs in charge. 

Excerpts:

"A house and senate made of brick, please mother, as it will be warm in winter and cool in summer, and safe all the year round with fences and National Guard troops as needed."

"After the landlord's speech near his White House the Proud Poodles were so angry that they dashed down to the piggy's house and with all their force against the temporary fences, knocked them down. And though the poodles scraped and tore at the bricks with their paws, and broke windows and doors, they only hurt themselves, and at last they had to give it up, and limp away with their forepaws all bleeding and sore."

Any reference to the US Capitol insurrection on January 6, 2021 is purely intentional.

Original Photo of Sean Hannity by Gage Skidmore under a Creative Commons license

Caption contributed by the author

Aluminum Fence by OpenClipArt-Vectors from Pixabay

Pig by Clker-Free-Vectors-Images from Pixabay  

Fox by Clker-Free-Vectors-Images from Pixabay   

Poodle by Clker-Free-Vectors-Images from Pixabay

Background by Clker-Free-Vectors-Images from Pixabay                                                                

Mar-a-Lago (THE IT OF THAT) - Former US President Donald Trump and current Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro have won the coveted Covid-19 Gold Grand Prize and Bronze Second Prize Outstanding Performance Leadership Awards respectively. The awards, given by Death & Misery International (DMI), recognized their unparalleled performance in producing the most Covid-19 deaths in their populations. 

Trump's and Bolsonaro's achievement is all the more noteworthy considering how few of the world's population live in their countries. Although the US has just 4% of the world's population Trump's leadership produced 25% of worldwide Covid-19 deaths. Likewise Brazil has under 3% of the world's population, yet Bolsonaro's brilliance has produced 13% of worldwide Covid-19 deaths.

"Do you like me yet? Even with those tremendous odds I won. What can I say? ...I am a winner... I never stop winning," former President Trump said while accepting the award. Trump then took the appreciative unmasked audience down memory lane in his speech. While Trump's "it is what it is" was greeted with polite applause, his "I don't take responsibility at all," "The virus has nothing to do with me," and "One day, it's like a miracle, it will disappear," brought the house down.

Bolsonaro's acceptance speech included some of his most memorable quotes including, "Stop all this fussing and whining," which the Brazilian president said in response to his countrymen complaining about his Covid-19 actions, "How long are you going to keep on crying?" and "We have to stop being a country of sissies."

The leaders hydroxycloroquine advocacy was recalled fondly. In spite of overwhelming scientific evidence to the contrary, both were steadfast proponents. The ceremony was briefly interrupted at this point when masked protesters claimed that both were only doing it to enrich their big money supporters. The protesters were forcibly taken out of the hall.

The evening was capped with a special commendation for Trump for attempting to spread even more Covid-19 in the US when he lifted the travel ban with Brazil, effective on January 26, 2021. Unfortunately no new Covid-19 deaths were experienced in the US as the policy change was quickly reversed by President Biden.

Original Photo by Alan Santos/PR                                                         

Captions and the very small Coronavirus contributed by the author

Creative Commons license

Arizona (THE IT OF THAT) - "Boost tourism and centralize voting," is how Republican legislators justified placing the only ballot box drop off in Coconino County on an isolated Grand Canyon rock cliff.  

When pressed spokesperson Cleta Morris admitted, "Let's not fool ourselves, Joe Biden beat Trump with 61% of the vote in Coconino County and if we don't do something Arizona will be as blue as the mail box."

Austin (THE IT OF THAT) - "Ted Cruz said the Covid-19 Relief Bill was full of pork," said Bill Clemens. Although disappointed when no actual pork was forthcoming, he personally fancies baby back ribs, Clemens was at once thankful and disappointed to learn that no Republicans joined Democrats to pass the bill that will send his family of four $5,600, rent relief, a small business grant, and increase and extend his unemployment through Labor Day. 

Mar-a-Lago (THE IT OF THAT) - The clearly distraut former president was seen wandering aimlessly barefoot and alone on the beach muttering, "March 4th, My Ass."  His appearance shocked QAnon's because they professed March 4th would be the day Trump would be swept back into office. 

Washington DC (THE IT OF THAT) - A cell phone belonging to US Senator Josh Hawley (R-Missouri) has been found. Shortly after today's hearing with FBI director Christopher Wray the phone was found in the Senate parking garage. 

"That SOB [Hawley] wipped my memory and then broke my screen," the phone exclaimed. "Why the hell did he do that, doesn't he now know that all his data from the January 6th insurrection has already been collected by the FBI?" 

ORLANDO (THE IT OF THAT) - In what has to be a major drawback to his political future, US Senator Ted Cruz (R-Texas) has lost the support of humans. This is key because only humans can vote.

This follows his abysmal and embarrasing performance at CPAC where 98% of the humans voted for everyone other than Ted. "Remember the Ritz-Carlton," Valerie Kuhn declared, referencing Cruz's Cancún Comedy, "I had no idea what a jerk he is."

ORLANDO (THE IT OF THAT) - Much like the unfortunate victims of Pompeii whose last moment is frozen and immortalized in volcanic ash, an uneasy corporate mark is strong armed by a GOP bagman in this both startlingly honest and horrifying public sculpture seen outside CPAC. 

The message was lost on most attendees. "I think it is wonderful!," Georgia's Joan Barrett exclaimed. "We need money to support our efforts in 43 state legislatures to restrict voting." "It is so much easier to cancel voting rights than to run candidates who will actually appeal to voters."

PENNSLVANIA (THE IT OF THAT) - Looking exceedingly disgusted and referrencing his Poor Richard's Almanac, Ben Franklin, the first US Postmaster General rebukes Louis DeJoy the seventy-fifth upon DeJoy's declaration that he intends to stay in his Trump appointed position and America should get used to him.  

"In my Poor Richard's Almanac, I wrote that fish & visitors stink in three days." "Mr. Dejoy has long since passed the stage of mild stench that is the malodorous product of dead fish and visitors that have overstayed their welcome." 

Recognising that DeJoy's political appointment was clearly part of Trump's seditious plan to retain power, and subvert a democratic election, Franklin issued a warning, "Those who pander for temporal power or profit from the mob, will soon be ruled and ruined by the mob."

PENNSLVANIA (THE IT OF THAT) - Newly uncovered social media post reveals a seditionist practicing yelling and making faces in his bathroom mirror prior to the insurrection on January 6th. 

"I must have practiced for two hours and I lost my voice, so nobody noticed me at the Capitol," Ken Delphone lamented. "My role was to divert the press to focus on me so they wouldn't see the abduct and kill mission."  "Thank god our a guy with horns and animal pelt was there."  

While stating that he had no part of the violence, Delphone said he is confused about the Republican reaction to the insurrection. "Trump, (former President Donald Trump) Johnson (US Senator Ron Johnson) Gosar (Rep. Paul Gosar), Gaetz (Rep. Matt Gaetz), Brooks, (Rep. Mo Brooks) and Fox are giving Antifa credit! Come on, teammates should stick together. the Republican politicians did their part and we did ours."