Quantico, Virginia (THE IT OF THAT)  "We have now passed day 50 and none of these guns has gone off."  The first comprehensive study of its kind of guns claimed to have just "gone off" in shooting incidents, the majority resulting in injuries and deaths, is being conducted at FBI headquarters in Quantico, Virginia. 

"We have now passed day 50 and none of these guns has gone off."

To insure operational integrity, shifts of FBI agents observe the guns through bullet proof glass windows that surround the isolated secure room. "Even though these are some of the most dangerous guns we have ever encountered, I have to say, they're getting along quite well. The room is and has remained very quiet." 

Asked if the guns firing themselves could now safely be attributed to human actions, "That would be premature."

And that's... THE IT OF THAT

Alexandria, Virginia (THE IT OF THAT)  Blaming fishing trip preparations with SCOTUS influence peddlers, associate justice Samuel Alito had his wife Martha-Ann raise an upside down American flag outside their Alexandria, Virginia home to indicate his dissent to a late night Supreme Court decision to block the Trump administration from deporting foreign nationals under the Alien Enemies Act. Associate justice Thomas, who also dissented, was too busy advising Harlan Crow hunting lodge buddy and Trump appointed Consumer Finance Protection Bureau (CFPB) chief legal officer Mark Paoletta, who claimed the agency has "engaged in...wasteful fishing expeditions."

And that's... THE IT OF THAT

Launch Site One, Texas (THE IT OF THAT)  "Lauren is a real sport, her selfless act insured everyone's safety,"  a smiling Jeff Bezos praised his fiancé, Lauren Sanchez, for loaning her chest so Blue Origin's landing would be successful. The boob assisted landing is another first for Blue Origin, notable for its distinctive penis shaped rocket and capsule.

"I'd always heard my boobs could defy gravity, now the world has proof."

When it was determined that substantial lift was needed to counteract the Blue Origin capsule's rapid descent, naturally everyone looked to Lauren, who as a crew member, was able to observe her boobs performing as planned. "I've never been so proud," Sanchez added, "I'd always heard my boobs could defy gravity, now the world has proof."  Grateful fellow crew members Gayle King, Katy Perry, Aisha Bowe, Amanda Nguyen and Kerianne Flynn agreed.

And that's... THE IT OF THAT

Landing photo courtesy Blue Origin

New Haven, Connecticut (THE IT OF THAT)  "We call it our Plane To Prison Pipeline." Avelo Airlines now offers the ultimate no-frill flights to El Salvador for shackled passengers minus in-flight WiFi, entertainment, snacks, drinks or restrooms.

The inflight experience foreshadows the exciting time they'll have once they land at El Salvador International Airport (SAL).  No time for swimming, sightseeing or seafood, while being immediately and indefinitely interned at El Salvador's (CECOT) prison. 

"We call it our Plane To Prison Pipeline"

So nearly 200 years after New Haven's historic role in repatriating the Amistad Africans, Avelo, New Haven's hometown airline, takes the Department of Homeland Security's Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency's (ICE) contract to transport expelled people from America to an El Salvadoran prison.

And that's... THE IT OF THAT

Prison Icon from Freepic

Heard Island (THE IT OF THAT)  "We don't export the guano [poop] we produce, unlike Trump who exports his verbal effluent worldwide,"  said the Penguin, spokespenguin for all the penguins on Heard Island.  The Penguin laments that tariff or no, there is no market for Penguin poop in America, "The Americans most in need of shit get all they want from Trump's mouth." 

"The Americans most in need of shit get all they want from Trump's mouth." 

Penguins marvel at Trump's prodigious pooping proclivity. "We drop a deuce every twenty minutes, but Donald goes non-stop from two orifices, the standard and his facial anal fissure " 

And that's... THE IT OF THAT

Penguin photo: Shed on The Moon on Flickr

Penguins photo: Christopher Michel  on Flickr Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.0 Generic

Washington D.C. (THE IT OF THAT)  Say hello to Robert Francis Kennedy Jr.'s Make Measles Great Again™ booth. Part of RFK's Make America Sick Again™, this innovative booth blocks fresh air while it amplifies all airborne viruses for maximum viral delivery.  The booth, outfitted on wheels, can be deployed quickly where American's somehow remain healthy. Environmental signage is an added design feature, clearly showing where the currently sick and the soon to be sick should sit. Speaking on behalf of all diseases, Measles was overjoyed, "We were all envious of what Trump did for Covid-19, now it's our turn."

"We were all envious of what Trump did for Covid-19, now it's our turn."- Measles

Other booths soon to roll out include ones for Covid-19, Flu, RSV, Shingles and for our avian friends, one to supercharge H5N1 or bird flu. Even as effective as the booths are proposed to be, RFK Jr. isn't putting all his eggs in that basket. On President Trump's directive, RFK Jr. has fired Dr. Hilary Marston, the FDA's chief medical officer, who had been closely working to coordinate the agency's bird flu response with CVM's veterinarians, as well as to lead its oversight of human drugs and vaccines for the virus, along with senior veterinarians engaged in such non-essential tasks as overseeing its bird flu efforts, including leading several aspects of the FDA's response to the virus, and investigating pet illness complaints and recalls.

And that's... THE IT OF THAT

Environmental Graphics: IDEO

Booth Design: RFK Jr.'s brain worm

Washington D.C. (THE IT OF THAT)  Responding to the banning of the Associated Press, all 60 plus news organizations represented by the White House Correspondents' Association (WHCA) announced they are boycotting and refusing to report further on White House activities. Eugene Daniels, White House Correspondents’ Association president, added, "You will continue to hear me say that in a free society, leaders must not be able to choose their own press corps.” The WHCA press release noted that "the only private enterprise identified by the Founding Fathers as important in safeguarding freedom is the news media." The WHCA boycott, called Newsistrata*, will remain in effect "until the Trump administration capitulates and abides by our nation's seminal democratic protection, freedom of the press." 

"Sadly, this is satire."

Sadly, this is  satire. In reality the WHCA and the press organizations, it represents, including The New York Times, The Washington Post, CNN, NPR, and the Associated Press have meekly folded.  Founding Father Thomas Jefferson, recognizing the importance of a free press wrote, "our liberty depends on the freedom of the press, and that cannot be limited without being lost.” 

The WHCA's and all its member news organizations surrender of their First Amendment rights and responsibilities have endangered our body politic, leaving our Constitutional republic on life support.

*Newsistrata, adopting the framework of the satirical play Lysistrata by Aristophanes, where Greek women unified to withheld their affections from men to stop a war, is a unified press corp withholding from Trump what he desires, which is the subjugation of the free press, and by so doing, force his attacks on the press, and by extension the United States, to cease. 

And that's... THE IT OF THAT

Lysistrata illustration by Norman Lindsay  from The Project Gutenberg EBook of Lysistrata, by Aristophanes

Newsistrata adaptation: Courtesy of the author

New York, NY  (THE IT OF THAT)  In perhaps the most audacious Trump administration move, it was just revealed that they have abducted and imprisoned respected jurist Emil Bove and replaced him with a thinly disguised, now bald, Lionel Q Hutz. On deep background White House staffers revealed under conditions of Maggie Haberman toilet stuffed with classified documents withheld from the J6 committee for subsequent publication in her book level confidential status, that Hutz was a willing accomplice. "He suggested that all he would need is a haircut, seeing lack of any sound legal judgement he already had in spades." 

"He [Hutz] suggested that all he would need is a haircut, seeing lack of any sound legal judgement he already had in spades." 

Hutz/Bove couldn't believe his good fortune. "I was so tempted to tell U.S. Attorney Danielle R. Sassoon and Assistant United States Attorney Hagen Scotten that I was the one making the demand to drop the Adams charges, not Bove, but I do have my ethics.  

A Georgetown University Law School colleague of Bove's commented “As farfetched as it seems, it’s more believable [Bove's abduction and replacement by Lionel Q Hutz]  than someone with Emil's impeccable background, achievements and reputation could be corrupted by that loathsome cur Trump.”

And that's... THE IT OF THAT

Hutz to Bove transformation graphic: Courtesy of the author

New York, NY  (THE IT OF THAT)  "Major League Baseball's Diversity, Education and Inclusion (DEI) program, instituted in 1947 when Jackie Robinson broke the color line, was patently unfair and discriminatory," announced White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt, adding,  "We will fix the broken color line and the historic injustice meted out to generations of white ballplayers whose skin color previously guaranteed employment."  Bowing to pressure from the Trump administration, Major League Baseball has announced its intention to only employ white players, coaches, managers and owners, denying opportunity to all others, commencing with the 2025 season. 

"We will fix the broken color line and the historic injustice meted out to generations of white ballplayers whose skin color previously guaranteed employment."- Karoline Leavitt

Records attained by black ballplayers, including Barry Bonds' 762 home runs, Hank Aaron's 2,297 rbi's, and Rickey Hendersons' 1,406 stolen bases, are also coming under scrutiny. "How can the records be legitimate if the players participation was illegitimate?" 

Anticipating future actions, MLB has initiated a study group, chaired by Stephen Miller, to assess whiteness. 

And that's... THE IT OF THAT

Jackie Robinson photo taken by Bob Sandberg, when he was working as a staff photographer of LOOK Magazine, and is part of the LOOK Magazine Photograph Collection at the Library of Congress. The photo was released into the public domain by the copyright owner, Cowles Communications, Inc.

Composite Graphic: Courtesy of the author

New York, NY  (THE IT OF THAT)  “With Apple Intelligence, Apple has released a feature that at its core consumes information and replaces it with misinformation at a troubling rate," reported Jason Snell on sixcolors.com. Troubling for Fox News indeed. Industry analysts see Apple’s entry into the misinformation space as a direct threat to Fox News. 

"Apple Intelligence can deliver misinformation faster, cheaper and without the threat of defamation lawsuits.” 

“Cudo’s to Fox News, they proved that there is more money to be made with misinformation than factual information. But Apple Intelligence can deliver misinformation faster, cheaper and without the threat of defamation lawsuits.” 

Meanwhile, Watters, Hannity, Ingraham, Gutfeld, Kilmeade, McEnany, Pirro, and Baier remain confident they will maintain Fox News primacy as the unquestioned misinformation leader.

"You call a 'Luigi Mangione shoots himself' headline a challenge," a Fox News spokeswoman proclaimed, referring to the unfortunate Apple Intelligence rewrite of a BBC news headline, "Luigi Mangione Shoots Himself?" "How about 'Left Fearmongering Over Coronavirus' in March 10, 2020, a mischaracterization that dissuaded American's from social distancing, which lead to preventable deaths?" 

And that's... THE IT OF THAT

Fox 'LEFT FEARMONGERING OVER CORONAVIRUS' image courtesy of Steam Pipe Trunk Distribution Venue

Composite Graphic: Courtesy of the author

New York, NY  (THE IT OF THAT)  "One day into the new year we have a new leader on the NYT bestseller list, our Fascism for Dummies™," proud nepobaby A G Sulzberger beamed, gazing adoringly at Times executive editor Joe Kahn. "We felt it would've been a missed opportunity to merely cheerlead the rise of fascism and the demise of Democracy in America, without monetizing it."

"We felt it would've been a missed opportunity to merely cheerlead the rise of fascism and the demise of Democracy in America, without monetizing it." -AG Sulzberger

Kahn added that Fascism for Dummies™ marks the first ever formal NYT contribution to the "Dummies" franchise. Maggie Haberman, whose multi-platform sanewashing has paved the way for fascism to take root, was lead author. "Who else would withhold from the January 6th Congressional committee that Trump clogged a White House toilet with classified documents, to personally benefit her own book sales?"

And that's... THE IT OF THAT

Fascism for Dummies book cover: Courtesy of the author

Sarasota, Florida  (THE IT OF THAT)  “Matt Gaetz is a pioneer in the use of Venmo for tuition reimbursement. We look forward to his sharing that knowledge with our DeSantis installed board of directors, as the Donald J. Trump marginally endowed chair in our financial aid department." 

“Matt Gaetz is a pioneer in the use of Venmo for tuition reimbursement...We look forward to his sharing that knowledge... as the Donald J. Trump marginally endowed chair in our financial aid department." 

A smiling Gaetz was pleased with the new position, which he sees as a great opportunity. "Field research with coeds is essential, and where better to conduct that, than in the dorms, classrooms and grounds of the New College of Florida?"

No mention was made about Gaetz's withdrawing his candidacy to be attorney general. 

And that's... THE IT OF THAT

Gaetz original photo: Courtesy of Gage Skidmore

And that's... THE IT OF THAT

Stein images: Courtesy of her Republican/Russian benefactors

Looking at cats and trees, breathing air, using umbrellas and spoons, wearing sneakers and sweaters and taking black and white photos are all discouraged in no uncertain terms. "I alone have identified these activities as dangerous to your gut biome. If you must engage in any of these activities, you must protect yourself and first buy my Acme Super Gut Biome Booster, guaranteed to eliminates the bulge in your wallet, as it enriches my bank account. Gundry is ubiquitous, blanketing social networks like a baleen whale, whose gapping mouth captures unprepared fish, unaware of their imminent fate. Here are his latest:

And that's... THE IT OF THAT

Advertising Images: by the author

New York, NY  (THE IT OF THAT)  Judge Juan Merchan has postponed the sentencing "if necessary" of 34 felony count unanimous guilty jury verdict convicted Donald Trump, stating that, "...the imposition of sentence will be adjourned to avoid a appearance-however unwarranted-that the proceeding has been affected by or seeks to affect the approaching Presidential election in which the Defendant is a candidate." The post election, but surely not post election ballot challenges, is now scheduled for November 26, 2024, two days before Thanksgiving.

So we have the strange reality that the sentencing of Trump's Election Interference Felony Conviction is postponed to itself not be Election Interference.

So we have the strange reality that the sentencing of Trump's Election Interference Felony Conviction is postponed to itself not be Election Interference.

Explanations for the delay in sentencing include the widely speculative assertion that Clarence Thomas would lead a SCOTUS effort to "exonerate" Trump's convicted criminal conduct, postulating that the political influence of his insurrectionist meddling hausfrau, Ginni and his billionaire benefactor Harlan Crow could influence this stalwart defender of the Constitution. Further, that the favorable SCOTUS ruling would be the "October Surprise" that would aid Trump's re-re-election effort.

And that's... THE IT OF THAT

Turkey Image: Trump's spirit animal (Domesticus Turcus, dolosus, malus, putidus, crassus et infidelis)  A domestic turkey, who is deceitful, evil, stinking, gross and unfaithful 

Ann Arbor, Michigan (THE IT OF THAT)  "While the examples of poems as news reporting are amazing, from Walt Whitman's O Captain! My Captain!, Alfred Lord Tennyson's The Charge of the Light Brigade, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow's The Slave's Dream and contemporary work including Rita Dove's Naji, it overlooks a beloved poetry form, limericks.  

"Accessible and memorable, reporting in the limerick form provide a rapid response viral poem that meets the demand of social media consumption" -Society for the Preservation and Propagation of Limericks.

Accessible and memorable, reporting in the limerick form provide a rapid response viral poem that meets the demand of social media consumption," stated a spokesperson for the Society for the Preservation and Propagation of Limericks. "It is in that spirit that we are proud to propose three new limericks about our twice impeached, disgraced, draft dodging, Arlington National Cemetery defiling, thirty four felony convicted, insurrectionist, serial philanderer, liar, fraudster, racist, aspiring fascist, Donald J. Trump."

There once was a man from Queens

Who lived beyond his means

But his putz was so tiny

The girls he sought highly

Laughed at him and Epstein

There once was a man named Trump

Whose putz was a sad little stump 

He’s a disaster

Of chaos a master

Who’ll make America a dump

There once was a man named Donald 

Whose worst behaviors were coddled 

He still whines like a baby

Though now pushing 80

Our capitol he tried to have toppled

And that's... THE IT OF THAT

Limericks: Copyright 2024 by The It of That

Washington, D.C. (THE IT OF THAT)  "This shit stops here," the former SCOTUS associate justice stated, "I shouldn't lose what I have earned, just because society isn't ready or willing to accept the brilliance of black people. 

"There is nothing we can do, former SCOTUS ally Samuel Alito said, while raising a "Blacks Will Not Replace Us" flag in place of the "Jews Will Not Replace Us" flag he said his wife, Martha-Ann, bought. "I'd like to help, but Constitutional originalism is originalism." -Samuel Alito

Try as he might, Thomas could not rationally explain how a Black man can serve on the Supreme Court in 2024, when in 1791, the original Constitution, Article I Section 9,  allowed Black slavery to continue unabated, forbidding congressional action that would end the migration and importation of African slaves.  Originalists have noted that not only were there no mention of Black justices, Black men and women were property, not persons, and escaping slaves were subject to capture and returned as 'property' to their 'owners', Article IV Section 2.

"There is nothing we can do, former SCOTUS ally Samuel Alito said, while raising a "Blacks Will Not Replace Us" flag in place of the "Jews Will Not Replace Us" flag he said his wife, Martha-Ann, bought. "I'd like to help, but Constitutionalism originalism is originalism." 

Justice Gorsuch advised his former colleague not to wander too far afield from his owner, Harlan Crow, noting that Crow could rightfully and lawfully seek Thomas's return and be compensated for Thomas's lost productivity. 

And that's... THE IT OF THAT

IMAGE: Self-portrait in the Guise of a Mockingbird is a Neoclassical oil on canvas painting created by Joseph Ducreux in 1791. He was a White man who lived contemporaneously with the ratification of the Constitution. (If you are interested to see what folks looked like then)

Atlanta, Georgia (THE IT OF THAT)  On the eve of the first presidential debate, Donald Trump, the presumptive republican nominee, has released his five step plan for intermittent farting in his new book, The Art of the Fart. "I know intermittent fasting is bigly huge, but, trust me,  my intermittent farting will blow it away."  Trump promises to demonstrate all five of his fart inducing techniques on Thursday night.

Grown men, big, with tears in their eyes, approach me in the street and ask me, "Sir, how can I learn to fart like you?" "I tell them to fart the Trump way, you must buy Trump's The Art of the Fart" - Donald Jessica Trump

It's doubtful that Trump's "trumps" will be heard at home, as they would have to be loud enough to be picked up on president Biden's microphone, with CNN silencing Trump's microphone when he isn't speaking. The deadly part is a greater concern to others trapped in the studio, including President Biden and CNN co-hosts Jake Tapper, Dana Bash and CNN crew.

In The Art of the Fart, Trump proclaims his expertise, as his very name declares according to the Oxford English Dictionary (OED): 

trump (verb): To give forth a trumpet-like sound; spec. to break wind audibly (slang or colloquial).

Speaking of breaking wind, V.P. hopeful Doug Burgum, curiously stated that working with Trump "was like having a beautiful breeze at your back."

Grown men, big, with tears in their eyes, approach me in the street and ask me, "Sir, how can I learn to fart like you?" "I tell them to fart the Trump way, you must buy Trump's The Art of the Fart"

And that's... THE IT OF THAT

Cannes, France (THE IT OF THAT)  Chiquita Brands wins the Cannes Golden Lion for Truth in Advertising. "We needed to come clean and acknowledge that cheap fruit comes at a human cost."  " This in no way makes up for the tens of thousands of Central and South Americans who were killed so North Americans can have cheap breakfast fruit and we make huge profits."

The spokesman said the $38.3 million federal jury verdict against Chiquita Brands to pay 16 family members of people killed during Colombia's civil war by United Self-Defense Groups of Colombia (Autodefensas Unidas de Colombia, AUC), a right-wing paramilitary group funded by the company, was a deciding factor to reorient the company for good.

"When you own a big piece of the bloody third world, the babies (and bananas) just come with the scenery"

Critics were not impressed with the verdict. Paraphrasing a lyric from The Pretenders song, In the Middle of the Road, "When you own a big piece of the bloody third world, the babies (and bananas) just come with the scenery."

"Chiquita is the multinational corporation that grew out of the notorious United Fruit Company, a massive enterprise that wielded economic sway over a number of Central and South American countries, including Colombia. United Fruit supported authoritarian governments throughout the region, and successfully lobbied the US government to overthrow the democratically-elected Guatemalan government of President Jacobo Arbenz in 1954, after Arbenz enacted several labor and land reforms intended to ease the suffering of Guatemalan workers. Then US Secretary of State John Foster Dulles had represented United Fruit as a corporate lawyer. His brother, Allen Dulles, ran the CIA. United Fruit Company operated from 1899 through 1984, when Cincinnati, Ohio billionaire Carl Lindner, Jr. transformed the company into Chiquita" -from Daylight Comes to Chiquita’s Use of Colombian Death Squads Democracy Now! June 13, 2024

And that's... THE IT OF THAT

Rifle Vector Art by Vecteesy

Blood Splatter Vector by naco on CleanPNG

Banana Photo by Rodrigo dos Reis on Unsplash

Jimmy Kimmel reports that Trump's gas was trending on X as "ODOR IN THE COURT"

And that's... THE IT OF THAT

Larry The Farting Leprechaun is available on Amazon

Angry Crowd Vectors by Vecteezy

Jimmy Kimmel Live Trump "ODOR IN THE COURT" Image

New York, New York (THE IT OF THAT)  In a decidedly non-extensive, but highly selective process, an effort spanning the greater part of 9 minutes and 23 seconds, not counting taking the dog out, undeterred by troublesome, inconvenient 'facts', that opposed the predetermined Grand Old Party selected and favored Trump felony diversion, the Wall Street Journal published the derogatory Biden piece it set out to publish. "The Wall Street Journal has catapulted itself into award contention, if not Pulitzer, definitely Heritage foundation." "Watch out NYT and WaPo!"

"The Wall Street Journal has catapulted itself into award contention, if not Pulitzer, definitely Heritage foundation." "Watch out NYT and WaPo!"

In related news, unlike associate justice Samuel Alito, who fearlessly cowered behind his wife to explain for their multiple home insurrection flag displays, the sources of the unattributed anti-Biden comments have yet to assign authorship to their spouses, mistresses, or girl friends. 

What was left unsaid, but noticeable by its absence, was the all powerful Biden as evil mastermind narrative, which the Wall Street Journal has all set to print...again.

And that's... THE IT OF THAT

New York, New York (THE IT OF THAT) What Genghis Khan did genetically, I will do digitally! Rupert Murdoch chooses an Open AI trained version of himself to reign as News Corp. CEO in perpetuity. "The advantages are undeniable," Murdoch's statement read, adding that "By infusing my values and world view during OpenAI's formative stage of development, I insure News Corp's future." Critics maintain the move guarantees News Corp's ability to poison public discourse by supporting ill-liberal policies, right wing politicians, and racial division for decades to come.

"Training OpenAI's unconscious misinformation with News Corp's purposeful disinformation is a menace to society." -Everyone

"Training OpenAI's unconscious misinformation with News Corp's purposeful disinformation is a menace to society,"  said everyone.

Nevertheless, current News Corp. CEO Robert Thompson extolled the deal, where OpenAI could pay News Corp. some $250 million over 5 years for training Murdoch's digital 'me.'  Thompson added, "There is a premium for premium journalism," never explaining the connection to this deal or News Corp.

And that's... THE IT OF THAT

"Rupert Murdoch" by sirenmedia is licensed under CC BY 2.0

Boston, Massachusetts (THE IT OF THAT) Further examinations of the brain scan of RFK Jr.’s 70 year old worm eaten brain have revealed something even more startling, the worm’s suicide note…and the suicide was assisted.

“I can’t take it any more,” the note starts, explaining the severe anguish that led to the worm’s desperate attempt to end its life.

“What was the best of times, rapidly turned into the worst of times.”

“I thought I had it made when I passed the ‘blood brain barrier,’ " the worm wrote, seemingly presented with a nearly inexhaustible supply of healthy brain tissue, but the tissue was sadly far from healthy.- RFK Jr.'s Brain Worm

“I thought I had it made when I passed the ‘blood brain barrier,’ " the worm wrote, seemingly presented with a nearly inexhaustible supply of healthy brain tissue, but the tissue was sadly far from healthy.

“The long term effects of RFK Jr.’s heroin addiction and mercury poisoning on his brain tissue were devastating.”

“I grew more crazy by the minute, the more I ate, the crazier I became. Soon I was even starting to believe his anti-vax theories.”

“Think of how f*cking crazy that is, I’m not a virus, I’m a f*cking parasitic worm!” 

"The suicide note ends with, “I was convinced that the only way to end my torment was to convince RFK Jr. to ingest sheep drench de-wormer.”

And that's... THE IT OF THAT

"Robert F. Kennedy Jr." by Gage Skidmore is licensed under CC BY 2.0

Lincoln, Nebraska (THE IT OF THAT) A ten year old child from Nebraska has defeated Artificial Intelligence (AI). "It was easy," said Lawrence (Larry) Yancey, "I didn't even miss recess." The challenge consisted of solving twelve successively more difficult 'CAPTCHA's',  or Completely Automated Public Turing test to tell Computers and Humans Apart) those annoying little picture boxes that AI needs to be trained on by humans to recognize.  

“Should I trust AI to write an essay, if it can’t figure out what a cross walk looks like?” -Lawrence (Larry) Yancy

Told that he was training Google’s AI by completing their CAPTCHA challenge, Larry was surprised. “Should I trust AI to write an essay, if it can’t figure out what a cross walk looks like?”

AI had no comment, as it was reportedly too busy pondering the orientation of a bunny picture and a directional arrow.

And that's... THE IT OF THAT

Photo by R.D. Smith on Unsplash 

Alabama, Gilead (THE IT OF THAT) Katie Britt (R-Gilead) declares war on wankers with new senate bill, the No Sperm Left Behind or (NSLB) which will criminalize non-life sperm outcomes. "How can we effectively protect fetal personhood, yet deny protection from what made the fetus, the sperm," Britt asks, adding "You can't be Pro-Life and Pro-Fetus and not be Pro-Sperm."  The bill, which will establish a National Registry of Masturbators, is co-sponsored by aging white republican senators who would not respond to questioning about their own wanking.

"You can't be Pro-Life and Pro-Fetus and not be Pro-Sperm."  "Don't Spill your Seed, Do the Deed," -Katie Britt

The bill directly attacks Planned Parenthood who counsel, "It’s totally normal to masturbate (touch yourself for sexual pleasure) whether you’re sexually active with other people or not. Masturbation even has health benefits, like reducing stress."  In response Senator Britt said, "Don't Spill your Seed, Do the Deed," and "Don't Masturbate, Procreate"

The biblical reference to Onan "spilling his seed" and God's subsequent retribution Genesis 38:9 was presented as a cautionary tale:

And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto 

his brother’s wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother. 

The details of how exactly the criminalization of masturbation is to be realized are yet to be revealed.

And that's... THE IT OF THAT

Video Image Still of Senator Britt in Gilead 

Cliffside Park, New Jersey (THE IT OF THAT) "Murdering just one puppy gets Kristi Noem Trump's endorsement?" "Are you kidding me," said an exasperated Dr. Oz., who was responsible for over 300 puppy lab deaths from 1989-2010. "While recognizing that Trump's endorsement was just for the South Dakota governor's book, No Going Back at this point, Oz stated, "Clearly, if cruelty to animals is Trump's criteria, I should be his V.P. candidate." 

"Puppies and children, top that Kristi!" - Dr. Oz

As Noem's shooting of Cricket, her 14 month old German Wirehaired Pointer, reverberated around the internet, the ever opportunistic Oz, pointed out that in addition to dogs, in April, 2020 he thought opening schools was worth sacrificing thousands of children and families, increasing Covid's fatality rate 2-3%. 

"Puppies and children, top that Kristi!"

And that's... THE IT OF THAT

Basement, Somewhere in the U.S. (THE IT OF THAT) Veterans of the Unite the Right antisemitic hate rally in Charlottesville, Virginia feel betrayed by Republican calls to end college antisemitism. "They call for the National Guard against us now?" "Stand back and stand by my ass, I thought we were on the same team."   

"They [Republicans] call for the National Guard against us now?" "Stand back and stand bye my ass, I thought we were on the same team." 

"Trump loved us when we attacked the Capitol, Now I guess they hate elite colleges more than they love us, and that hurts."

And that's... THE IT OF THAT

Photo by Ben Hershey on Unsplash 

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania (THE IT OF THAT) Harvard Extension School Scholar Christopher Rufo and child separation architect Stephen Miller were stunned to just learn that all America's Founding Fathers were actually immigrants, as they were born in Britain's American colonies. "That really sucks,' the stunned Miller exclaimed, "How can MAGA's revere George Washington, Thomas Jefferson and Ben Franklin and hate immigration now?" "We [Republicans] have lost our only election issue." 

"How can MAGA's revere George Washington, Thomas Jefferson and Ben Franklin and hate immigration now?" "We [Republicans] have lost our only election issue." -Stephen Miller

Rufo, who conjured Critical Race Theory (CRT), Diversity, Equity and Inclusion (DEI) and Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender and Queer (LGBTQ) as divisive "shiny object" cultural issues to give republicans their only chance to win elections despite their vastly unpopular policies stated, "It's so obvious, I don't know how I missed that." 

And that's... THE IT OF THAT

Photo by Ravi Patel on Unsplash 

New York, New York (THE IT OF THAT) Alan Dershowitz and Lionel Q. Hutz, assert Trump's rights will be violated if a jury of peers has no sexual offenders. It is their belief that only convicted sex offenders would truly understand the depravity of someone who is accused of having sex with a porn star while his wife is home, having just given birth to his son.

Alan Dershowitz, "The Sixth Amendment rights assert that President Donald J. Trump's jury must be selected from a pool that represents a fair cross-section of the community. The chances that Manhattan will provide that are 41,587 to 1."  Asked to elaborate, Dershowitz added, "As of April 17, there are only 39 sex offenders in Manhattan, greatly limiting the chances that President Donald J. Trump will be judged by a jury of his peers."  

"As of April 17, there are only 39 sex offenders in Manhattan, greatly limiting the chances that President Donald J. Trump will be judged by a jury of his peers."  -Alan Dershowitz

Attorneys Dershowitz and Hutz argue for a change of venue to a more representative borough, Staten Island. Hutz adds, "Staten Island has 208 registered sex offenders, providing President Donald J. Trump much better odds, 2,313 to 1."

Courtroom photo by Jabin Botsford/AP

Composite image by the author 

New Orleans, Louisiana (THE IT OF THAT) The Louisiana Supreme Court chooses the preservation of the Archdiocese of New Orleans and priest's "property rights" over adult's seeking justice for alleged past priestly sexual abuse. The majority 5 to 4 decision, derisively termed the Protecting Past Priest Penis Perpetrators, rests on an interpretation of the U.S. Constitution's Fourteenth Amendment's due process clause, which holds that no one shall be "deprived of life, liberty or property without due process of law."

Dissenting Chief Justice John Weimer stated that the majority “does not attempt to examine, much less explain, how due process is violated in this instance.” Left unanswered was how could a a trial be a deprivation of anyone's life, liberty or property without due process of law?

How could a trial be a deprivation of anyone's life, liberty or property without due process of law?

The decision comes just in time for the Archdiocese of New Orleans, which having declared Chapter 11 bankruptcy in 2020 to protect its ass_ets, could move to avoid paying over 500 sexual assault lawsuits.  Reached for comment, the late Christopher Hitchens was saddened by the news, hoping that priest's child sexual assaults will stop before there's simply  "No Child's Behind Left."

Photo by Colin Lloyd on Unsplash

Composite image by the author 

Gaza Strip (THE IT OF THAT) Gazan journalists have won the prestigious Donald Trump Award for Lying. The judges said the award's motto, Falsus in Uno, Falsus in Omnibus, which is Latin for False in One, False in All, perfectly applies to Hamas' adhoc press corp, which includes all layers of Gazan society on Hamas' payroll. The Donald Trump Award for Lying was named for Trump's unparalleled record for lying while president, communicating 30,573 lies in just 1,460 days, averaging over 20 erroneous claims a day according to a published analysis conducted by the Washington Post.

"Never in the field of human conflict has so much been written, for so long, by so many, to inform so few." "Their [the Gazan journalists] willful blindness is inspiring." 

Gazan journalists skillfully covered-up the terror facilitating activities of the infamous "Gaza Metro", a tunnel system that eclipses in length (350+ miles) both London's Underground (250 miles) and the New York City Subway system (245 miles), that is used to store, move and deploy weapons and terrorists.  The judges commend the non-reporting of the Gaza Metro's unique "subway stations", over 5,000 home based shafts that access the tunnels. "How so many journalists could have avoided reporting a story literally under their feet is astounding."

Specifically referencing the October 7th attack, to have not seen and reported how Hamas assembled the weapons and terrorists, rehearsed, staged and completed the heinous attack on civilians attending a concert in Israel on October 7th, that left more than 1,100 dead and over 240 abducted (imagine 9/11 with hostages), "their [the Gazan journalists] willful blindness is inspiring." 

Close runner-up was the domestic media outlet, Democracy Now!, whose downplaying of the October 7 Hamas attack on Israel and subsequent platforming of an endless stream of unchallenged Palestinian sympathizers was cited by the panel as lovely in its Trump-esque excesses. 

Trump photo by Rebecca Blackwell/AP

Donald Trump Award for Lying image courtesy Liars Beyond Borders & the Society to Protect Lying Journalists (SPLJ)

No Address, Washington D.C. (THE IT OF THAT) No Labels® aided by their founding chairman, the recently deceased Joseph Lieberman, have chosen Franklin Delano Roosevelt and Abraham Lincoln for their presidential ticket. Roosevelt (D-Heaven) and Lincoln (R-Heaven) are ranked the two best presidents in American history. 

"We feel that former presidents, the Democratic Roosevelt and the Republican Lincoln, are the ultimate unity ticket as they offer unique perspectives, invaluable insights and wisdom, gained both while they walked among us and now from beyond the grave. 

"With all living politicians turning No Labels® down, including the former New Jersey governor, Chris Christie (R), Sen. Joe Manchin III (D-W.Va.), former Maryland governor Larry Hogan (R) and former Georgia lieutenant governor Geoff Duncan (R), isn't it true that this is just a desperate attempt to remain relevant?" 

Dodging the question, the No Labels® spokesperson focused on how this candidacy would serve as a test to see if dead voters would be more attracted to a ticket lead by dead candidates. 

"We've always heard about voters voting while dead, what could be more appealing than candidates they share the most fundamental part of their existence, or non-existence with, dead candidates." 

"We've always heard about voters voting while dead, what could be more appealing than candidates they share the most fundamental part of their existence, or non-existence with, dead candidates." 

Gravestone Photo by John Thomas on Unsplash 

Voting Sticker Photo by Whoisjohngalt Creative Commons 

Washington, D.C. (THE IT OF THAT) Declaring to "Make the RNC White Again" new Trump backed leadership abandons their Black, Hispanic, Asian and Native Americans outreach and signature community centers. RNC co-chair Lara Trump's action against minorities could be disastrous for V.P. aspirant Tim Scott (R-SC).  Tim Scott was not concerned, adding that 'The Great Replacement Theory' is no threat to his quest to join Trump, as he is "whiter than Mike Pence."

'The Great Replacement Theory' is no threat to his quest to join Trump, as he is "whiter than Mike Pence." -Tim Scott

The cash strapped RNC has nevertheless produced an app to unambiguously respond to anyone not considered white. Seemingly perversely inspired by the famous Apple multi-language "hello" welcome screen greeting, the RNC app spells out a multi-language "goodbye".  In the background is a GOP elephant logo with a pointy hood resting on its upturned trunk. 

The goodbye messaging is Adiós (Spanish),  Chào tạm biệt (Vietnamese), Donadagohvi (Cherokee), Tókša akhé (Lakota) and Ilcep-ah-non-es-tchah (Seminole).

In contrast, the RNC investment and messaging operation's greeting for Russians "привет" is unaffected.

The outreach centers’ closures in states including California, New York, North Carolina and Texas,  prompted a statement from the Biden campaigns Black and Hispanic media outreach directors, Maca Casado and Jasmine Harris. They characterized Mr. Trump’s minority outreach efforts as “hollow” and “cheap distractions from the poster boy for modern racism who is running to undermine the progress and success of our communities.”  

Democratic National Committee Chair Jaime Harrison spoke about Lara Trump's performance as his counterpart, even including her penchant for producing MAGA retail product.  “Lara Trump’s ‘music career’ is just like her time at the RNC so far: embarrassing, unserious, and a waste of money. But we can appreciate the effort – and wanted to help Lara tell her own story about how she and her fellow MAGA extremists at the RNC are broke and losing election after election. That’s why we’re excited to release our very first single, ‘Party’s Fallin’ Down,’ a summer party anthem about how the RNC is falling apart under Lara Trump and the rest of the new ultra-MAGA team. We didn’t put as much time and money into making our song since we’re busy with our record-breaking fundraising and supporting Democrats up and down the ballot..." Check out Party's Fallin' Down below:

Scott Image by Ryan Johnston/North Charleston

Background inspired by Robert Rauschenberg

United States (THE IT OF THAT) Sometimes real life is satire. Here are The It of That 2023 Awards.

TOP PRIZE

Adam Kinzinger released on X that Donald Trump stinks. 

PR AWARD

STUDENTS FOR JUSTICE IN PALESTINE Supporters defile college campuses, block streets and bridges and use social media to spread antisemitic messages that justify and celebrate Hamas' slaughter of 1,200 overwhelmingly Israeli Jewish people to advance a "peace" that the terrorist organization doesn't want, and a two state solution Hamas has always been against. Great work!

"Book publisher that publishes lies, sues author for telling truth."

PR AWARD Runner-up

"JOURNALISM" FROM HAMASISTAN While we mourn the loss of reporters in the war that Hamas started with a murderous attack and abductions, (Imagine 9/11 with hostages) the world mourns the utter and complete loss of brave, accurate and truthful reporting of Hamas that none of them ever provided. 

SPIN AWARD (THREE WAY MUSKOVITE TIE)

TESLA When their cars crash in autonomous mode, killing occupants and destroying property, leading to a recall of nearly all TESLA'S in the U.S., the official response from TESLA lawyers was that Musk's touting the autopilot's capacity was a “mere failure to realize a long-term, aspirational goal is not fraud.”

SPACE X When their rocket blew up in autonomous mode, the official response from Elon Musk's employees was it was “a rapid unscheduled disassembly”

X (Formerly Twitter) When their social media site imploded in autonomous mode, the official response from Elon Musk to advertisers was to "go fuck yourselves."

ORGANIZATION AWARD

The Rhode Island Hall of Fame is inducting Trump pardoned felon, January 6th insurrection fifth amendment pleading, Putin dining (along with perennial quisling Jill Stein) Mike Flynn. Why wasn't Flynn inducted into the Rhode Island Hall of Shame instead? There isn't one you say? There is now.

PEOPLE'S CHOICE AWARD 

Moms for (Sexual) Liberty are all about gay and race topic book banning, but how about book writing? Here is a title that Christian Ziegler, head of the Florida GOP, and wife Bridget, co-founder of Moms4Liberty can write for their young daughters,  "Mommy, Daddy and Auntie Make Three!"

PUBLISHING AWARD

Book publisher that publishes lies, sues author for telling truth. Mark Meadows is being sued by All Seasons Press, for testimony that belies the lies he published in The Chief's Chief. All Seasons Press, notable for its book, Tucker, (Fox's lawyers defended Carlson by arguing that the fault lies with anyone who believed a word of what he says), is seeking a judicial remedy for the financial losses of "reputational harm" and expected sales of Meadows' book, which now has no audience.

Trump Image from Gage Skidmore

Meadows Image from Gage Skidmore

Flynn Image from C-SPAN

Tesla Image from Kevin Wanczyk/Facebook

Mommy, Daddy and Auntie Make Three! Image from the author

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania (THE IT OF THAT) White Supremacist, Holocaust denying and Trump Mar-a-Lago luncheon guest Nick Fuentes has harshly criticized Elise Stefanik (R-N.Y.). "Stefanik's questioning that led to UPENN president's Liz Megill's removal, have damaged antisemitism at the University of Pennsylvania."  "An attack on antisemites anywhere, is an attack on antisemites everywhere."

 "Stefanik's questioning that led to UPENN president's Liz Megill's removal, has damaged antisemitism at the University of Pennsylvania." -Nick Fuentes

Fuentes added that Liz Megill's efforts to allow antisemitism to spread were not unoticed, or unappreciated. That is why he said that Stefanik's efforts left him questioning long standing Republican policy. 

"What's next, Fuentes asked,  "The end of the Southern Strategy?"  "If the GOP wants to become unsafe for White supremacists, antisemites, tax cut desiring Billionaires and Holocaust deniers, what voters do they have left?

Image from C-SPAN

Moscow, Russia (THE IT OF THAT) Q's are saying be worried, be very worried. They have now connected the Covid-19 vaccine, 5G, the "EBS" (which no longer exists- now it is the EAS- Emergency Alert System, but I digress.) to turn vaccinated folks into Zombies. Q is widely believed to be a Putin backed psy-ops created and directed against the U.S. by disgraced oath breaking, convicted Trump pardoned felon Michael Flynn. The zombie apocalypse is slated for today at 2:22pm.

"Q is widely believed to be a Putin backed psy-ops created and directed against the U.S. by disgraced oath breaking, convicted Trump pardoned felon Michael Flynn."

Predictably Q's have planned and have offered "prophylactic products" to "protect" against this non-existent danger. So what happens if 2:22pm passes and nothing happens? The next conspiracy theory is cued up and ready to go.

Image by Pradeep Ranjan on Unsplash

Moscow, Russia (THE IT OF THAT) In responce to Putin's praise, calling Musk a "talented busnessman," Elon Musk has announced creation of the Tesla Z. "I admire the way Vladimir handles internal and international dissent." This budding bromance, between two of the world's richest people, emerged when in responce to Musk's unilaterally turning off SkyLink, his earth orbiting communications satellites, to sabotage Ukraine's drone attack on Sevastopol in Russian occupied Crimea, Putin, who affectionately calls Musk, Elon Moska,  publically acknowledging him as an "outstanding person" and "talented businessman".   

"Elon Musk is magnificent, he is our agent."- Olga Skabeeva, Россия 

Praise for Musk has naturally extended to Russian media, overtly to RT and covertly (Russia, Russia, Russia) the same network that helped Trump win the 2016 U.S. Presidential election. "Elon Musk is magnificent, he is our agent," said Olga Skabeeva a Россияtv host.

The Tesla Z will be available in only one color, bombed out building charred charcoal gray, will feature a white "Z" on the driver's and passenger's door. 

Image: Alexander Emochenko/Reuters & Tesla CC2.0

Pyongyang, North Korea (THE IT OF THAT) "We tried our best to use Private King for anti-US propaganda," Kim Jong Un said through an interpreter, "but determined that he could do us more good screwing up America in person."  Stunned U.S. State Department officials who have been working hard to secure Pvt. King's release are now deciding if we want to keep him. "The outcome is very much in question." 

"We tried our best to use Pvt. King for anti-US propaganda, but determined that he could do us more good screwing up America in person." - Kim Jong Un

Possible solutions for Pvt. King are: are finding another country to host him, long term detention or as a congressional aide for Marjorie Taylor Greene, who would appreciate a fellow deserter.

Image courtesy of driver Photographer CC2.0

Washington, D.C. (THE IT OF THAT) "We feel deeply disrespected," Clarence and Ginni Thomas wrote in a text to billionaire benefactor, Harlan Crow.  The latest ProPublica bombshell reporting involves disgraced and newly turned Republican senator, Bob Menendez (R-NJ). "How is it, for all we [Clarence & Ginni] have done, Bush v Gore, Citizens United and overturning Roe v Wade and race based quotas, we have never received gold bars?"

How is it, for all we have done, Bush v Gore, Citizens United and overturning Roe v Wade, we have never received gold bars?" -Clarence & Ginni Thomas 

Is there an implied threat that Clarence would no longer be as obsequiously obiedient to the overt and covert (amicus briefs) from Crow?  Interestingly, a photograph of Thomas with billionaire David Koch was just made public by ProPublica. Does this foreshadow a possible right wing billionaire bidding war for Thomas?

Image courtesy of DOJ

Washington, D.C. (THE IT OF THAT) "There is only one political party where corruption is expected and respected. I have no choice but to become a Republican," Bob Menendez, now (R-NJ) announced. "In marked contrast to the swift and merciless condemnation from Democrats, the Republicans have welcomed me, which is greatly appreciated." "I am honored to join the party of Trump, McConnell, Paul, Cruz, Hawley, Lee, Lankford, McCarthy, Boebert, Gaetz, Greene, Gosar and Santos." 

 "There is only one political party where corruption is expected and respected...the Republicans have welcomed me." -Bob Menendez (R-NJ)

Answering questions, the newest Republican senator said, "Trump called me and told me my indictments were a "witch hunt." Clarence Thomas also called, Menendez shared. "Justice Thomas was very gracious." "He was particularly interested in the gold bars, and wanted to know if I still had some hidden."  

Image courtesy of Senator Bob Menendez CC2.0

New York, NY (THE IT OF THAT) "Whiskey is made to pair with women not hamburgers," the accused sexual predator, Borat pants tucker, defamer, election denying, cousin marrying, alt-truth proclaiming, multiple felony indicted, disgraced former NYC mayor, Rudy Giuliani stated. "David should know better, hamburgers will make you sluggish in your pursuit."

 "Whiskey is made to pair with women, not hamburgers." -Rudy Giuliani 

Giuliani denied the latest claim of sexual assault against him by Cassidy Hutchinson. "Whiskey makes my fingers warm," countering Ms. Hutchinson's claim that she felt Rudy's "frozen" fingers on her thigh as she was being groped.  

Image courtesy of David Brooks/X

New York, NY (THE IT OF THAT) FOX's stunned workforce realigns to confront unchartered territory.  "We have no option, without Rupert we are forced to start doing news." "I know it will be a shock and we will likely lose viewers, but we have no choice but to try to add substance to the name FOX NEWS." On the plus side, FOX noted that they we will no longer have to offer guaranteed employment for out of work Republican political operatives and Trump family members.

 "We have no option, without Rupert we are forced to start doing news." 

Ripple effects are already being seen in the media landscape. MSM, CNN and MSNBC daytime are in disarray, having based their alt-right editorial decisions and guest invitations to align with FOX's agenda setting anti-democratic propaganda.

Image courtesy of sirenmedia CC 2.0

New York, NY  (THE IT OF THAT) Aaron Rogers will not seek surgery to repair his torn ACL. "I've consulted with Joe Rogan, who assures me that ivermectin will heal ny torn ACL." When asked how sheep drench could be curative for his torn anterior cruciate ligament (ACL), the sidelined but ever intellectually steadfast footballer answered, "I've done my research."

 "I've consulted with Joe Rogan, who assures me that ivermectin will heal my torn ACL." -Aaron Rodgers

Research aside, and owing to the Jets quarterback's popularity and influence, the FDA has taken the extraordinary measure of adding "or torn ACL in" to the warning label on ivermectin tablets. "No one could have predicted that we would have to warn people in this manner," Matt Foster, FDA communications director lamented. "Perhaps we should be proactive and insist that labels warn against believing Aaron Rodgers and Joe Rogan."  

We've received a draft copy of the proposed language:

"The FDA has not authorized or approved any and all recommendations for this product from Aaron Rodgers and Joe Rogan" 

Image courtesy of the author

Rome, Italy (THE IT OF THAT) Julius Caesar has joined the chorus of those who are mocking the indicted and soon to be disbarred lawyer John Eastman. Eastman, a "Constitutional Lawyer" whose scholarship was exposed by U.S. District Judge David O. Carter as having devised a "coup in search of a legal theory", revealed in addition to a Constitutional deficit, he has a Classical one as well.

Caesar states, "Where John Eastman alludes to the river I crossed in 49 BCE, the Rubicon, in his pathetic justification for his treason, 

                 "I am here today to surrender to an indictment that should never have been brought.  

                  It represents a crossing of the Rubicon for our country, implicating the fundamental First Amendment right to petition the government for redress of       

                  grievances..."

"I knew my action would lead to a civil war," Caesar stated, "His insurrection memo had the same effect." "Yet he is too much of a wimp to own it." "He, Trump and their allies crossed the Rubicon, not Fani Willis, Jack Smith and the DoJ."

I knew my action would lead to a civil war," Caesar continued, "Eastman's insurrection memo had the same effect." "Yet he is too much of a wimp to own it." "He, Trump and their allies crossed the Rubicon, not Fani Willis, Jack Smith and the DoJ."

Caesar went on, "I said, Alea iacta est, "the die is cast",  while Eastman begged for a pardon, writing, "I've decided that I should be on the pardon list, if that is still in the works," "How pathetic."

"He belongs on PragerU" 

Image courtesy of Fulton County DA, Fani Willis

Washington, D.C. (THE IT OF THAT) Trump lawer Kenneth Chesebro was concerned. Trump's criminal conspiracy, with Chesebro and others to steal the election, was in trouble.  To succeed, the coup would need SCOTUS support. But of the nine justices, the one who came to mind, the one they knew they could depend on, was Clarence Thomas. Coup trouble? Better Call Clarence! 

"Coup Trouble? Better Call Clarence!" 

Chesebro knew he had to act fast. Justice Thomas' carefully crafted "regular guy" persona was at odds with his undisclosed right wing billionaire funded destination vacation calendar and it was anybody's guess where Clarence was and on whose yacht, private jet, exclusive golf course, luxury hotel, or mansion he could be found.

Just then, in his desperation, a phone number crystalized in Chesebro's mind, 1-800-465-GINNI 

Graphic Courtesy of Ginni "1-800-465-GINNI" Thomas

Bedminster, New Jersey (THE IT OF THAT) With federal and state criminal and civil prosecutions closing in, having no travel prohibitions and a willing accomplice, former president Trump has planned the ultimate escape...space. 

"I dare Jack Smith to catch me," Trump announced, taunting the DoJ.

"I dare Jack Smith to catch me," Trump announced, taunting the DoJ.

Elon Musk has dramatically re-sized the inside of his Dragon capsule to accommodate Trump's substantial girth. This was accomplished by removing all exercise gear, which practically, would never have been used.

Musk, who appeared alongside Trump at the press conference, denied rumors that he would accompany Trump. "I have many more children to produce, white supremacists to replatform on X and vendors to stiff."

Trump's destination is rumored to be Jupiter, which in addition to being the largest planet in the Solar System, is appropriately, full of gas. Trump's 300+ earthly pounds will tip the scales on Jupiter at nearly 760 pounds.

Reporter's Notes: Melania Knauss Trump will not be joining Donald. She was last seen in Toronto with the newly divorced Justin Trudeau and is reportedly, "quite happy."

Image courtesy of Space X

Caption supplied by the author

Image of the Grove courtesy Florida Department of State Division of Historical Resources

Image of Governor DeSantis courtesy the Defense Visual Information Distribution Service 

Image of the Florida Slave Auction notice courtesy State Archives of Florida

Moscow, Russia (THE IT OF THAT) Anti-vax disinformation progenitor and profiteer Robert F. Kennedy Jr., took his curiously right wing backed democratic presidential candidacy to Russia to gain Russian President and 2016 U.S. presidential election meddler Vladimir Putin's endorsement.

"I am very pleased," Putin said, speaking through an interpreter with reporters after the announcement.

However skilled lip readers caught the International Criminal Court (ICC) alleged Russian war criminal uttering, "Бэннон и Флинн облажались в прошлый раз, когда управляли Йе." Which roughly translates to "Bannon and Flynn screwed the pooch last time running Ye."

"Bannon and Flynn screwed the pooch last time running Ye." -Vladimir Putin

Kanye (Ye) West's abortive right wing backed candidacy for president went nowhere, like the twice impeached and indicted Trump, who it was intended to help, earning just 60,000 votes of 158,000,000 votes cast, or less than 1%. 

The only real surprise was that Kennedy brought his proposed running mate, Covid-19, taking the deadly virus out of his pocket and brandishing it from the podium.

Covid-19 proved it was up to the traditional task of the VP, by obsequiously praising Kennedy. "He was invaluable to me as I sought to injure and kill as many Americans as possible, one million deaths... thank you RFK Jr."

Putin, seemingly happy for the diversion from Prigozhin's abortive coup, uncharacteristically stayed for the after party, spending time with FOX exiled, Russian asset Tucker Carlson, who was sharing caviar with Rand Paul and Jill Stein.

Image courtesy of the www.kremlin.ru

Washington, D.C. (THE IT OF THAT) Chris Licht, the public face of David Zaslav and John Malone's purposeful defenestration of CNN into a FOX like boot lichter of Republican authoritarianism, is to be replaced by former White House advisor, Stephen Miller.

"While young, we feel Stephen is perfect for this role, where his lack of conscience is an asset." - David Zaslav

"While young, we feel Stephen is perfect for this role, where his lack of conscience is an asset." -David Zaslav

A spokesperson said that Miller's alignment with White nationalists and anti-immigrant policy will soon be CNN core competencies, proudly revealing that Miller strongly suggested the eventual shuttering of CNN Español. 

Questioned about the design on his handkerchief, Miller claimed the monogram is a native american design, though casual observers recognized it as a series of swastikas. 

According to CNN, Miller's strengths were apparent early in the vetting process:

*Unlike Licht, Miller won't need to do an apology tour with Republicans on Capitol Hill.

*Miller has deep ties and working relationships with the paramilitary wing of the Republican party, the Proud Boys, Oath Keepers, and Three Percenters.

*Miller is connected to the Republican civil society disruptive agents, including Moms for Liberty,  who join Miller as being singled out for domestic terrorism by the Southern Poverty Law Center.

*Miller is on a first name basis with the funders of anti-democratic activities and activists, including Julie Fancelli Publix Markets heir, Richard & Elizabeth Uihlein (Election deniers & January 6th insurrection) and Harlan Crow (Clarence Thomas)

Image courtesy of David Leavy's CNN PR team

Washington, D.C. (THE IT OF THAT) In a Supreme Court decision that is sure to reverberate through fraternities, sororities, exclusive golf clubs and gated communities nationwide, generations of mediocre white students now will face an uncertain future. Race-based preferences are out.

"How can I succeed without the affirmative opportunities previously afforded my family on the basis of our whiteness?" -Horace George Benefield III

"What do I do now? Horace George Benefield III moaned. "How can I succeed without the affirmative opportunities previously afforded my family on the basis of our whiteness?" 

Associate Justice Clarence Thomas, in the majority opinion, wrote, "No one should have their achievement tainted by the stain of affirmative action."

Image courtesy PxHere

Bedminster, New Jersey (THE IT OF THAT) "Vell I ahm vearee releavahid," former first lady and porno adjacent model Melania Trump exclaimed, reacting to the news that her husband's scottish golf course was rejected to stage the British Open. 

"I noh vaht hahpined tu Eevanha."

"I noh vaht hahpined tu Eevanha." - Melania Trump

For emphasis, Mrs. Trump made her comments at Bedminster, overlooking the last resting place of a former Mrs. Trump. (Ivana Trump is buried at Bedminster, no mention if the unusual arraignment was made at her request) 

Image courtesy Jack Smith

Plymouth, Vermont (THE IT OF THAT) "The chief business of this American [DeSantis] is more government and less freedom," said President Calvin Coolidge.  The 30th president couldn't resist the opportunity to poke DeSantis, saying that compared to hearing the content of DeSantis' message and the quality of his voice, the twenty minute delay that preceeded the monologue was preferable.  Although Silent Cal wouldn't boast, DeSantis' greatly hyped Twitter Spaces audience was less than 0.2% of Coolidge's 1924 inaugural address, the very first U.S. presidential inauguration to be broadcast, which was heard by 22,800,000.

"The chief business of this American [DeSantis] is more government and less freedom." - Calvin Coolidge 

There was no response to Coolidge's comment from the over five hundred people in Governor DeSantis's communications and fluffing operation.

Lake Buena Vista, Florida (THE IT OF THAT) Notwithstanding DeSantis' charges, Disney denies creating and deploying a DeSantis animatronic in New Hampshire to sabotage his recent election stop. Bob Iger, Disney CEO said, "It's easy to tell that was really DeSantis, our animatronics have charisma, and show emotion and empathy."

"It's easy to tell that was really DeSantis, our animatronics have charisma, and exhibit emotion and empathy."- Bob Iger 

There was no response to Disney's comment from the over four hundred people in Governor DeSantis's communications and fluffing operation.

Atlanta, Georgia (THE IT OF THAT) Fresh off CNN's ratings grab, despite the democracy damaging platforming of the former president and newly judged sexual abuser, Donald Jessica Trump, CNN wants him to star in "Thumb or Putz?"

Chris Licht, CNN CEO, announced the new game show following the town hall, "There is so much we learned, who knew that a crowd of Trump voters would cheer the the former president as he lied about the sexual abuse & defamation verdict barely 24 hours old?"

"Who knew that a crowd of Trump voters would cheer the the former president as he lied about the sexual abuse & defamation verdict barely 24 hours old?"- Chris Licht

"He's still got it!," said Licht and David Zaslav, president and CEO of Warner Bros. Discovery, saying that Trump was still on his lying game, which according to the Washington Post, totaled an astonishing 30,573 untruths during Trump's presidency, "averaging about 21 erroneous claims a day."

"Thumb or Putz" is a game show based on the fact that the E. Jean Carroll v. Trump jury judged that the evidence proved sexual assault with fingers, but not rape. "Thumb or Putz" would be Trump's "timely and newsworthy" return to TV.

Fulfilling Chris Licht's goal to make news by normalizing Trump's anti-democratic cult, and bravely challenge for the microscopic audiences of OANN & NewsMax, CNN is "moving like a bitch" on the format and contestants of the new "news inspired" game show.

Image courtesy ABC

Washington, DC (THE IT OF THAT) E! Network announces "Keeping up with the Thomases." We had a great run with Keeping up with the Kardashians, now we hope we've found ratings gold with Clarence and Ginni, that equals the gold they've made by putting a literal toll booth on the Supreme Court.

The audience at the premiere held among Harlan Crow's dictator statuary was receptive."Keeping up with the Thomases has all the elements of great reality tv: sex, cults, conspiracy, corruption, criminality, porn, privilege, power and politics. It's an All American story!"  said the Daily Beast.

"Keeping up with the Thomases has all the elements of great reality tv: sex, cults, conspiracy, corruption, criminality, porn, privilege, power and politics. It's an All American story!" - Daily Beast

The regular cast will feature Thomas' fellow stare decisis confused SCOTUS judges, the dour Samuel Alito, smug Neil Gorsuch, black out drunk Brent Kavanaugh, and righteous Amy Coney Barrett, all ineffectively managed by the ineffectual John Roberts. 

Ryan Seacrest, the creator and executive producer of KUWTK, has no involvement with this production.

Image composite by the author 

Washington, DC (THE IT OF THAT) Declaring that he prefers RV Parks and Walmart parking lots to beaches and things like that, SCOTUS associate justice Clarence Thomas and wife Virginia "Ginni" Thomas have embarked on an epic twenty five year around the world quest to find the places, he being a "regular guy, prefers."

Benefactor Harlan Crow, a Texas billionaire, said Thomas has endured all manner of hardships on Crow's Super Yacht and Private Jet, adding that Thomas has made "One hell of a sacrifice for humanity!"

"One hell of a sacrifice for humanity!" - Harlan Crow

Crow who collects famous and infamous artifacts including Hitler and Nazi memorabilia and statues of Lenin, Stalin, Ceausescu, and now a living Supreme Court justice, prefers to talk about their time in New Zealand and island explorations in Greece and Indonesia, than court lobbying sessions with women's rights and democracy opponent Leonard Leo, executives at Verizon and PricewaterhouseCoopers, major Republican donors and one of the leaders of the American Enterprise Institute, a pro-business conservative think tank, according to records reviewed by ProPublica, published in ProPublica's investigative report. 

Image composite by the author 

Walmart photo by Salaam Allah

RV Park photo by Travel Salem

Washington, DC (THE IT OF THAT) Islamic State Terrorists praise White Supremacists for stepping up and killing Americans. "While our efforts have been ineffective in recent years, White Supremacists have delivered terror to America," the Islamic State spokesperson said, adding, "We cheered their January 6th attack." 

"While our efforts have been ineffective in recent years, White Supremacists have delivered terror to America." 

Lindsay Whitehurst in AP writes: "With the waning of the Islamic State group, the main threat in the near future will likely be white supremacist shooters, the [Anti-Defamation League's "Murder and Extremism in the United States in 2022"] report found." The report states, "All the extremist-related murders in 2022 were committed by right-wing extremists."

Islamic State photo by AFP

Washington, DC (THE IT OF THAT) The meteoric rise of ChatGPT, the Large Language Model, (LLM) that 'writes' and freshman congressman, George Santos (R-NY03) who tells 'truth' are connected.  ChatGPT failures are due to over-sampling George Santos' writing and speeches. "Garbage in, garbage out."   

It does bring a new question to science theorists, "If a computer passes the 'Turing Test' by exhibiting intelligent behaviour equivilant to a human, the 'Santos Test' is AI being indistinguishable from a moron." 

"If a computer passes the 'Turing Test' by exhibiting intelligent behaviour equivalent to a human, the 'Santos Test' is AI being indistinguishable from a moron." 

This is no small issue with CNET, scientific papers in both preprint servers and peer reviewed journals and students relying in various degrees on the Santos corrupted ChatGPT.  "Just as the George Anthony Kitara Santos Devolder Zebrosky Revanche saga has evolved from amusing to dangerous, the reliance on his fantastical narratives could seriously retard AI.

George Santos photo by Wade Vandervort/AFP  

Washington, DC (THE IT OF THAT) Shocked and amazed describes the public's reaction to SCOTUS news of its failed leaker investigation. "I was certain that questioning everyone other than Alito and Thomas would uncover who leaked to Politico," said a longtime SCOTUS watcher.  

AP reports that the court disclosed that ninety-seven employees, including the justices’ law clerks, swore under oath that they did not disclose a draft of Justice Samuel Alito’s opinion that overturned Roe v. Wade.

"I was certain that questioning everyone other than Alito and Thomas would uncover who leaked to Politico," said a longtime SCOTUS watcher.  

Without a trace of self-awareness Justice Thomas opined, “When you lose that trust, especially in the institution that I’m in, it changes the institution fundamentally. You begin to look over your shoulder. It’s like kind of an infidelity that you can explain it, but you can’t undo it,” Thomas said while speaking at a conference in Dallas less than two weeks after the leak became public.

On a happy note, Thomas's wife Ginni was rewarded with the Belgium "Manneken Pis" leaker award.

Manneken Pis award photo by Wet Paint Printing

Washington, DC (THE IT OF THAT) Concerned that Trump's possession of top secret government documents and obstructing all efforts to return them had ceased to be interesting to the main stream media, President Biden had lawyers "find" top secret documents first at an office, and then at his home.

 "They [the main stream media] reflexively both-sides everything," ...we just needed to entice them to "scratch that itch," and it worked."

Sightings of Trump's documents story on network television confirmed the strategy's success. "Look, there is the aerial footage of the FBI executing the search warrant at Mar-a-Lago again, we haven't seen that in months."

 "They [the main stream media] reflexively both-sides everything," a source close to the White House said, we just needed to entice them to "scratch that itch," and it worked."

Joe Biden photo by Gage Skidmore

New York (THE IT OF THAT) By a judge's order, thirty year old Samuel Bankman-Fried had to be retrieved by his parents and returned to their California home. His parents, both Stanford Law professors, secured a $250 million dollar bond by using the equity in their Palo Alto home, their signatures and signatures from two others. 

"The time out of all time will be left to the Feds." 

"Just wait till we get home," Mr. Bankman was overheard telling his son, now the subject of criminal indictments for perpetrating "a fraud of epic proportions,” by Assistant U.S. Attorney Nicolas Roos. 

The time out of all time will be left to the Feds. 

Sam Bankman-Fried photo by Cointelegraph

San Francisco, California (THE IT OF THAT) Stunned by an election loss in his own poll that demanded he step down as head of Twitter, Elon Musk establishes new rules, making all who voted against him only count for 3/5ths of a person, guaranteeing a future Musk victory.

The election poll results showed that of the over 17 million votes that were tallied, Musk lost by a margin of 57% to 43%, or 9,976,316 to 7,525,992.  By counting each human in the 57% as only 3/5ths, bot votes would easily overturn the result.

"By counting each human in the 57% as only 3/5ths, bot votes would easily overturn the result."

The bots are justifiably overjoyed. "Elon has learned to appreciate us and how we and the GRU trolls can help him."

Any Twitter posts that discuss the similarity of Musk's 3/5ths decision and the 3/5ths "Compromise" which codified Black Americans as less than a person will result in a banishment to newly established Twitter prison at Robben Island. 

Musk picture by Daniel Oberhaus

Washington, D.C. (THE IT OF THAT) Led by Justices Alito, Gorsuch and honorary angry white prick Thomas, SCOTUS signaled its intention to define angry white pricks as a protected class, legally shielded from discrimination.

"Notably absent from the [protected] list, Angry White Pricks. On behalf of our besieged majority, we announce our intention to remedy that grievous omission.”

“We are under assault,” the joint release stated, “State anti-discrimination statutes cover all manner of protected classes on the basis of race, religion, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, gender identity, and even disability. Notably absent from the list, Angry White Pricks. On behalf of our besieged majority, we announce our intention to remedy that grievous omission.”

Chief Justice Roberts, whose court  is responsible for overturning Roe v. Wade and gutting Voting Rights, was, according to a SCOTUS spokesperson, too busy to respond, as he is reportedly “actively engaged” in the now seven month long fruitless effort to find the source of the Dobbs decision leak, Ginni Thomas.

Alito picture courtesy Notre Dame Law School and AP

Palm Beach, Florida (THE IT OF THAT) - Support for Donald Trump's presidential campaign announcement, while far from universal, was led by an unexpected source, COVID-19.  "What can I say, I love him. I could not have killed over 1 million Americans without his lying about my severity, promoting bogus remedies, attacking Dr. Fauci and taking no responsibility for the most COVID deaths of any country."

"What can I say, I love him. I could not have killed over 1 million Americans without his lying about my severity, promoting bogus remedies, attacking Dr. Fauci and taking no responsibility for the most COVID deaths of any country."- COVID-19

"While he deserves my loyalty for all he has done for me, I know that good times are ahead with Trump back in power," COVID-19 said smiling, "My variants will prosper."

San Francisco, California (THE IT OF THAT) - In secretly recorded comments, Elon Musk revealed his reason for the Twitter purchase, "It became clear that the only way to eliminate Twitter was to buy it." 

 "It became clear that the only way to eliminate Twitter was to buy it." -Elon Musk

Now industry observers who have suspected that Musk was engineering a Twitter "catch and kill," have a smoking gun. "What else could explain Musk's pitiful presentation to major advertisers, which destroyed any chance to bank 2023 income with Twitter already losing four million a day, his bizarre Twitter mediated negotiation with Stephen King over the cost of a blue check, then selling those blue checks which verify as real totally fake people, and now threatening that Twitter will go bankrupt?

Twitter's chief privacy officer, chief compliance officer, and chief information security officer have all quit. There was no official comment from Twitter, as according to The Verge, Twitter no longer has a communications department.

Musk still has supporters, mostly right wing fringe actors who are allowed to come out of the shadows and mingle in the light of day, like a work release program for morlocks.

It is yet to be seen how long that support lasts, as Musk's version of "Free Speech" increasingly has a price tag.

*"Catch and Kill" is traditionally a publisher's acquisition of a story to bury it. The National Enquirer's aptly named David Pecker is reported to have executed a catch and kill of Karen McDougal's account of her nine month affair with the then married Donald Trump.

Musk picture courtesy of Steve Jurvetson

Caption supplied by the author

San Francisco, California (THE IT OF THAT) - In a stunning development, Elon Musk, the self titled Chief Twit after buying Twitter, has purchased Ye, the artist better known as Kanye West, in an slave auction, easily out bidding Donald Trump.

Ye, who had prevously claimed that slavery was a choice, was not available for comment. 

"Ye, who previously claimed that slavery was a choice, was not available for comment." 

Musk said the purchase of a human being is perfectly logical business, "The Robert's Supreme Court ruled that corporations are people, meaning they are equal in the eyes of the law, so if I can buy Twitter, why shouldn't I be able to buy Ye?"

Trump released a statement saying that regardless of the sale, he will always feel as if, "Kanye was his African American."

Trump and Ye picture courtesy of consequence.net

Herzogenaurach, Bavaria (THE IT OF THAT) - Ye, the artist better known as Kanye West, was dropped by a company founded by a Nazi party member, that made boots for Nazi's.  So what does Ye think of being dropped by Adidas? A compliment of course. "I guess I am even more objectionable than Hitler, wow"

"I guess I am even more objectionable than Hitler, wow" -Ye 

Ye, the artist also known as the former billionaire, has reached out to companies, who, also like Adidas have a Nazi past, including Ford, Bayer, Hugo Boss, Chanel and IBM for possible creative collaborations.

Ye's picture courtesy of Cosmopolitan UK

Earth, Universe (THE IT OF THAT) - Adding to Ye's announcement of his intention to buy Parler, he's now announced plans to build a space laser. "When I go death con 3 on JEWISH PEOPLE, it will be with my space laser."  Jewish organizations are alarmed, more so about Ye's mental health, than the actual construction of a space laser.  

Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-Moscow), who introduced the imaginary Jewish space laser to the world, was delighted, "Ye and I hear some of the same voices in our heads."  

"Ye and I hear some of the same voices in our heads."  -Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-Moscow)

There is a symmetry behind both of Ye's initiatives, for his Parler purchase and building a space laser, noted Crain's Business Analyst George Arlen, "Liberal bias in the media is just as imaginary as Marjorie Taylor Greene's Jewish space laser."

Ye's picture courtesy of Cosmopolitan UK

Caption supplied by the author

Athens, Georgia (THE IT OF THAT) - Fresh on the heels of his questioning evolution with "why are there still apes," Herschel Walker now claims he is a bear.  Famous bears were quick to denounce him. "Walker is no bear," said Smokey, beloved friend of Americans for over 70 years, "For one thing, we are smart, and Herschel is as dumb as a stump."  "We have nothing in common," added Yogi. While acknowledging his well publicized vice of stealing pic-a-nick baskets, Yogi spoke of his loving relationship with his son, Boo Boo. "I know what his favorite color is and what grade he is in, Boo Boo doesn't need a text at 2am to know I love him." 

Yogi spoke of his loving relationship with his son, Boo Boo. "I know what his favorite color is and what grade he is in," Boo Boo doesn't need a text at 2am to know I love him. 

At press time, we were awaiting comments from other famous bears, including Winnie the Pooh, Baloo, Fozzie Bear, Paddington Bear, Po, Corduroy and The Berenstain Bears. 

Smokey's picture courtesy of the U.S. Forest Service

Yogi's picture courtesy of Yogi

Captions supplied by the author

Washington, D.C. (THE IT OF THAT) - SCOTUS insists on "Originalist" medical care.  All manner of  the justices' maladies will now be treated with Blood letting, Leeches, the powder from ground up Egyptian mummies, and if all else fails, tobacco smoke to be blown up their asses.

“We are excited,” SCOTUS associate justice Clarence Thomas, speaking for fellow justices Alito, Kavanaugh, Gorsuch, Barrett, and Roberts "Like 17th century common law, there is great wisdom in the original medical texts."  "So much has been lost in the so-called modern world, let's bring back the apothecary with its turds of goose and swallows' brains!"

"I've lit many a fart during my frat days" (This is a practice of holding a flame near your ass, whereupon a fart would be turned into a flamethrower) "I had no idea smoke up your ass would cure a hangover." - Brent Kavanaugh

Smoke up the bum was a new experience for Associate Justice Kavanaugh.  "I've lit many a fart during my frat days" (This is a practice of holding a flame near your ass, whereupon a fart would be turned into a flamethrower)  "I had no idea smoke up your ass would cure a hangover."

As much as Kavanaugh likes the originalist procedure, none requests it more than Alito. 

Chief Justice Roberts was too busy to comment, as he continued his search, excluding Ginni Thomas, for the leaker of the overwhelmingly complete SCOTUS draft ruling that locked in the justice's opinions to overturn Roe v. Wade and threw the country into turmoil.

Associate Justices Sotomayor, Kagan and Jackson abstain, preferring modern medicine, which strives to realize the practitioner's intent, by producing more perfect outcomes.

Blowing smoke up the ass illustration courtesy of Today/Found Out/YouTube

SCOTUS Majority Legal theories courtesy of the 17th century

Kabul (THE IT OF THAT) - Taliban congratulate SCOTUS and Republicans for overturning Roe v. Wade.

“We are gratified,” Taliban leader Abdul Ghani Baradar said through an interpreter, "As much as you demonize us, you now see the righteousness of forcing a victim of rape or incest to carry a baby.”

"As much as you demonize us, you now see the righteousness of forcing a victim of rape or incest to carry a baby." - Abdul Ghani Baradar

 "We are ready to consult as you transform your society to resemble ours!" said the Taliban leader. "With this shared interest in the subjugation of women, I am willing to let go of my animosity born of the Crusades and corrosive Western culture."

The Afghanistan Penal Code states that all abortions are illegal unless the life of the mother is at risk or the baby's life is endangered, interpreted as the baby having a severe disability or low quality of life.  There is no exception for rape or incest.

Shortly thirteen states will align with Afghanistan's Taliban restrictions. Alabama, Arkansas, Florida, Kentucky, Louisiana, Michigan, Missouri, Oklahoma, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, West Virginia and Wisconsin have all passed legislation that bans abortion without exceptions for rape or incest. 

Baradar smiled, nodded and said, "American Taliban."

Baradar was shown a 2019 letter to the GOP from Anti-Abortion groups. The letter stated, “It is our view that the value of human life is not determined by the circumstances of one’s conceptions at birth,” “A child conceived in rape is still a child.”

Baradar smiled, nodded and said, "American Taliban."

Abdul Ghani Baradar courtesy of Donald Trump and Mike Pompeo

Photograph Courtesy Sky News

Kyiv, Ukraine (THE IT OF THAT) - Putin's May 9th military parade in celebration of the Soviet Union's WWII victory celebration over Nazi Germany is looking a little spare. The available planes, tanks and armored vehicles are greatly reduced.  That's where Ukrainian farmers come in, offering to tow the destroyed, captured and abandoned Russian war machines back to Russia. "We'll tow that junk back to Moscow," said Sergiy Melnyk and with a laugh added that they were "willing to join Putin's parade." 

"We'll tow that junk back to Moscow," said Sergiy Melnyk and with a laugh added that they were "willing to join Putin's parade." 

Repeated attempts for comment from the Kremlin went unanswered. 

LATE BREAKING: Sources are saying that NATO is planning to parade the confiscated Russian Oligarch yachts, including Putin's 700 million dollar Scheherazade superyacht in the 34th annual Fleet Week in NYC from May 25, 2022 to May 31, 2022. The event has been a fixture in NYC since 1988.

Photograph from twitter @elpopGolf

Florida (THE IT OF THAT) - Disney casts Florida Governor Ron DeSantis as "Dopey" in a Seven Dwarfs reboot. The new Dopey will also be seen throughout the park, always barely peering over a little podium. "This was really a no-brainer, Dopey just suits him," the Disney spokesperson admitted sighting the only other choice for DeSantis would have been "Grumpy."

"This was really a no-brainer, Dopey just suits him"

The other six dwarfs had mixed reactions to the new Dopey. Happy was the most enthusiastic and Grumpy characteristically being the least. There was some talk about Joe Ladapo, Florida's Surgeon General, being cast as the new "Doc" but that idea was quickly shelved because of Ladapo's lack of credentials. As to the other dwarfs, Bashful was too shy to respond, Sleepy couldn't be awakened for comment and Sneezy was in quarantine after testing positive for COVID-19.

Original Seven Dwarfs photo by Loren Javier

Original Ron DeSantis DoD photo by Army Staff Sgt. Nicole Mejia

Caption supplied by the author

North Carolina (THE IT OF THAT) - Congressman Madison Cawthorn has announced he is leaving Congress to fully realize his dream of being a lingerie model. Cawthorn will be the spokesmodel for Mike Lindell's latest product, "MyBoobs™".

"Madison is the perfect choice to model MyBoobs™"

"Madison is the perfect choice to model MyBoobs™" said an appreciative Lindell who has seen sagging interest in his MyPillow™ product. "The secret is my patented fill, and the realistic way it presents as a breast."

Although the GOP dignitaries refused to be directly quoted or photographed at the launch party, their excitement in receiving a MyBoobs™ complimentary sample was undeniable.

Expect these to be turning up in select K-Street gatherings.

Cawthorn photo obtained by Politico

Caption supplied by the author

JERUSALEM (THE IT OF THAT) - Former US President Donald J. Trump has converted to Judaism in a ceremony at Jerusalem's Wailing Wall, seemingly part of a plan to escape proscution.  This follows news of Trump's hiring an exclusively Jewish legal team and a recent court decision that stipulates his trials can only be held on Saturdays.

"Former US President Donald J. Trump has converted to Judaism... part of plan to escape prosecution."

The Jewish attorneys representing Trump are David Schoen from Trump's second impeachment trial, Willard Hotel "Command Center"  insider Boris Epshteyn and longtime Trump defender Alan Dershowitz.  It is believed the plan of having limiting the court to Saturday sessions was suggested by Trump's son-in-law, Jared Kushner.

Trump's trials would be effectively be delayed forever, because as observant Jews, which now includes Trump and his lawyers, all would be prevented from Saturday attendance in the court.

The Jewish Sabbath starts at sundown on Friday, only to end after sundown Saturday night.

The Department of Justice is expected to appeal the exclusive Saturday court session decision to the Supreme Court.

Official White House Photo by Dan Hansen

Caption supplied by the author

MOSCOW BUNKER (THE IT OF THAT) -  Can Mike Lindell's My Pillow Face™ save Vladimir Putin's crumbling Commie countenance?  US sanctions deprived the depraved diminutive despot access to his cherished botox. Donald Trump, by suggesting Mike Lindell, aided fellow Kremlin cronies' desperate search for botox alternatives to maintain Putin's poofy pouty puss. 

Can Mike Lindell's My Pillow Face™ save Vladimir Putin's crumbling Commie countenance? 

Lindell was overjoyed at the opportunity. "My Pillow Face™  opens an exciting number of uses for my patented fill. I can't wait to formally release My Pillow Ass™, beyond Beta testers Donald and Ivanka Trump."  The Minneapolis businessman didn't confirm or deny rumors of Trump's testing of Lindell's My Pillow Penis™.

Photos by www.kremlin.ru 

Caption supplied by the author

Moscow (THE IT OF THAT) -  Touting his prior experience as Vladimir Putin's U.S. Presidential puppet, Donald Trump is anxiously awaiting Putin's decision for who will be installed as Ukraine's new president, according to sources close to the former U.S. President named Maggie Haberman. 

"Trump's desire for diplomatic immunity from all criminal and civil liability can be realized as a foreign dignitary."

It's also reported that John Eastman has written yet another memo, this one purporting to outline how "Trump's desire for diplomatic immunity from all criminal and civil liability can be realized as a foreign dignitary". Merchandise opportunities are sure to be exploited. "Everyone will want one, Trump boasted of his new "Make Ukraine Great Again" or "MUGA" hats, which are already in pre-production.

Caption supplied by the author

Washington DC (THE IT OF THAT) - In a move reminiscent of his casting aside multiple wives, Newt Gingrich rebuffs GOP efforts to enlist his aid in losing the midterms. "Frankly I don't want to be seen with anybody in such poor shape. America is too old, sick & ugly to be seen with me."

"America is too old, sick & ugly to be seen with me."

Kevin McCarthy was hopeful Newt could wordsmith some north star for the GOP to offer other than simply focusing all their attention to punish everyone on Trump's 2020 enemies list.  

This is not to say the 78 year-old Gingrich doesn't come with considerable baggage, not the least of which was his final act as the Republican leader, which turned a certain GOP win in 1998 into a disastrous loss, the worst midterm performance in 64 years by the opposition party.

"Newt Gingrich Is A Dumb Person’s Idea Of A Smart Person."

So what exactly is Gingrich's appeal for Kevin McCarthy? Perhaps as Andrew Sullivan noted that "Newt Gingrich Is A Dumb Person’s Idea Of A Smart Person."

Photo by Gage Skidmore

Caption supplied by the author

Washington DC (THE IT OF THAT) - Rudy Giuliani changes course, now saying he will not testify to the January 6th Committee. "I heard Oath Keepers, who I know and thought it was an opportunity to express my solidarity with my fellow patriots, so I agreed." "Only after did they say that I was to testify 'under oath' not about the Oath Keepers." "That was a dastardly trick, that will not stand."

"I heard Oath Keepers, who I know and thought it was an opportunity to express my solidarity with my fellow patriots, so I agreed"

"America's former mayor" is now joining the group including Trump insiders Jim Jordan (R-Ohio), Scott Perry (R-Pa), Mark Meadows, Steve Bannon and supplicant Kevin McCarthy (R-Ca) in refusing to testify.

Caption supplied by the author

P'yŏngyang (THE IT OF THAT) - North Korean missiles successfully hit water again, prompting official nationwide celebrations until Kim Jung-un learned that all his perceived enemies live on land. "우리가 물고기를 죽일 수 있다는 것을 증명하지 않았습니까?" -(Haven't we proved we can kill fish?)

"Kim Jung-un learned that all his perceived enemies live on land."

North Korean sources report that those directly responsible for this unforgivable oversight would not be available for comment, as no record of their ever having existed remains. 

While the future of North Korea's missile program is now in doubt, one crisis communications firm was pitching to Kim Jung-un the idea that the bombing of the ocean was an intentionaly innovative way of delivering more food to his desperately starving nation. 

North Korean sources report that those directly responsible for this unforgivable advice would not be available for comment, as no record of their ever having existed remains. 

Original Photo by Kremlin.ru

Caption supplied by the author

Wisconsin (THE IT OF THAT) - “We agree with the accommodations that the WHO made for Nu and Xi. We are demanding the same consideration,” said a spokesperson for the American Pie Board (APB) on National Pie Day. 

Anticipating another COVID-19 variant after Omicron, the American Pie Board today issued its pre-emptive demand to the World Health Organization (WHO) to skip over Pi to avoid confusion. "It would be a disastrous mistake to name the next COVID-19 variant Pi"

"It would be a disastrous mistake to name the next COVID-19 variant Pi."

Noting the catastrophic effects that would ensue from the confusion, the APB said the economic damage would be extensive. “2 Billion dollars a day are attributed to the procurement, preparation, cooking, distribution and consumption of America’s pies."

#NationalPieDay

Original Photo by  Dilyara Garifullina

Springfield (THE IT OF THAT) - "Is your Congressman a Socialist?" a folk wisdom commentary was released today by theitofthat.com. The commentary is a response to the unremiting onslaught of unfortunate disinformation causing undue confusion coming from the GOP, principally Marjorie Taylor Greene, Lauren Boebert and Kevin McCarthy. 

It is the sincrere wish of the author that this commentary and those that follow will provide information equal to the inherent goodness, wisdom and ability to sometimes discern a rascal that are the defining traits of Americans. 

Transcript:

There’s been a whole lotta folks throwing the term socialism around.

Socialism is when the government owns the means of production.

So when is the last time you bought a government car, rode on a government bus, or bought food at a government supermarket? Never happened right?

"So is it only socialism when your tax dollars benefit you?"

But you say the government's use of tax dollars is socialism, the same tax dollars that pay your mayor, congressman and senator’s salaries? 

So is it only socialism when your tax dollars benefit you?

Original Photo by Eric O. Ibekwem

Graphic contributed by the author              

Boston (THE IT OF THAT) - Officer involved pregnancy produces baby. Boston Police Department involved congratulations were given to Metropolitan Detective Roberta Jones and her husband John on the birth of their first baby, Josephine.  The OB/GYN involved birth was aided by a nurse involved procedure and reported by a publicist involved press release.  All exhibited face involved smiles when baby Josephine gave a voice involved cry upon being swatted by a hand involved slap on her newly born bottom to clear her mucus involved throat. 

"The OB/GYN involved birth was aided by a nurse involved procedure and reported by a publicist involved press release." 

After a short hospital involved stay the couple and new baby left with their car outfitted with a complimentary baby involved car seat.

Original Photo by Eric O. Ibekwem

Graphic contributed by the author              

Charlottesville (THE IT OF THAT) - In a stunning move, the Republican Party has officially revealed a new civil rights organization, the Republican Association for the Advancement of Colored People or RAACP. The similarity in name to the long established NAACP is no accident. "We believe that we are uniquely positioned to guarentee success for the next generation of people of color," Whitney "Whitey" Carlson stated. "Black face had its day, now we buy real Black faces."

"..."We believe that we are uniquely positioned to guarentee success the next generation of people of color," Whitney "Whitey" Carlson stated." 

Seeking to counter the perception and reality that the Republican Party was 90% white, with the other 10% very white, the press conference featured speakers Candace Owens, Tim Scott, Larry Elder, Clarence Thomas, Paris Dennard, Ali Alexander, Sage Steele, Diamond & Silk and Leo Terrell.

"Black people don't only show up in frame strategically placed behind President Trump at rallies," Owens decalred, "We are in front of the camera and are showcased at so called "White supremacist" conferences!" "I am booked solid, and am living the dream."

Senator Tim Scott having denied that denying racism was some kind of a "Faustian" bargain, noting correctly that the bargain involved the loss of a soul, which he clearly doesn't possess. "I owe my status, standing and stature to the RAACP."

The prepared release, headed by the statement "The rewards are many, the demands are few," characterized the benefits: 

"The RAACP will elevate and promote you through the right wing ecosystem, providing countless opportunities to increase your brand, income and the RAACP brand."

"The RAACP will elevate and promote you through the right wing ecosystem, providing countless opportunities to increase your brand, income and the RAACP brand."

...and the conditions:

First and foremost you must be a Soulless Opportunist.

Next, deny Systemic Racism as evidenced in:

American History gaslighting textbooks and curriculum, Slavery, Voting rights, Redlining, Neighborhood Covenants, Tuskegee Syphilis Experiment, Insurance Company Policies, Restrictive Quotas, FHA loans, City planning, Highway construction, Cointelpro, Environmental racism, Police violence, Criminal Justice System, Segregated professions, Occupation restrictions.

“In its denial of objective reality and in fact the advancement of persistent, virulent and pernicious racism against people of color, this “Republican” Party can no longer be acknowledged as the party of Lincoln."

The RAACP is not without its critics. Speaking on behalf of the NAACP, their spokesperson issued this strong rebuke.

“In its denial of objective reality and in fact the advancement of persistent, virulent and pernicious racism against people of color, this “Republican” Party can no longer be acknowledged as the party of Lincoln."

"How can a party that denies slavery and works to whitewash history be considered as unchanged from the party that emancipated slaves and fought a civil war to end slavery?”

Graphic contributed by the author              

Minneopolis (THE IT OF THAT) - In a surprising turn of events, 2 threads of presumably purged Minnesota State Patrol emails have emerged. While the origin of the release has not been revealed, outside of a "watch party" for D.W. Griffith's "Birth of a Nation," where the redacted "Officer 2" commented that he would bring "the [KKK] hoods and robes," the communications hint at a strange pattern of culinary choices. The text of the thread discussing a grocery store shopping list was given to the press. Officer 3 is a veteran officer. Officer 4 is a first year officer.

"...presumably purged Minnesota State Patrol emails have emerged." 

Officer 3: White bread, white American cheese, white flour, mayonnaise, white beans, vanilla ice cream, rice 

Officer 4: Wild? 

Officer 3: No white

Officer 3: White corn, cottage cheese, Oreo cookies.

Officer 4: I know the white ones.

Officer 3: Correct.

Officer 3: and milk.

Officer 4: Chocolate milk? 

Officer 3: What are you kidding me?

"a "watch party" for D.W. Griffith's "Birth of a Nation,"...he would bring "the [KKK] hoods and robes"  

American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) attorneys expressed disapointment with the finding. "Clearly the bias towards "white" foods is revealed by this pattern of only wanting white foods." 

Asked to respond State Patrol spokesman Inspector Gordon found nothing unusual, adding "Why is everthing race with you?"

Original Photo by Tony Webster

Caption contributed by the author              

Kabul (THE IT OF THAT) - "We are so much alike, it just seemed natural," a beaming Gov. Greg Abbott announced as he signed the official documents merging Texas and the Taliban. Taliban leader Baradar was likewise effusive in his praise of Texas' recent laws against women, minorities and voting, proclaiming "Don't mess with Texas & Taliban." When asked, Baradar also acknowledged Trump for releasing him from prison and handing Afghanistan back to the Taliban.

"We are so much alike, it just seemed natural" 

Asked for specific areas of agreement, Gov. Abbott talked of education. "We [Texas & Taliban] agree that public education provides dangerous ideas, like America's so-called racist history. Nothing could be further than the truth! Everyone knows that America was unoccupied until Europeans arrived, the WWII Japanese "internment camps" were actually cooking schools* and George Washington never had slave's teeth extracted for his own use." 

"Everyone knows that America was unoccupied until Europeans arrived, the WWII Japanese "internment camps" were actually cooking schools and George Washington never had slave's teeth extracted for his own use." 

"If CRT is to be critical of anything, it should be critical of socialist fascist communist collectivists!" Ken Paxton, the still indicted Texas Attorney General shouted to loud applause of the Brooks Brothers crowd.

Asked for comment by the Texas Tribune, Rep. Ron Reynolds (D-Missouri City) “Erasing an uncomfortable reality of our past does not benefit our students with the knowledge they need to understand the present to work towards a better future,” He added that this is a “blatant attempt to censor valuable education in our classrooms and whitewash our history.”

When asked about a possible name merging, like "Texasiban" or "Taliexas" spokesperson Cheeta Mitchell said not at this time, although a subsequent domain search did reveal that those variations have been purchased by "Keep America First," a shadow entity of the Bradley Foundation.

*how else to explain all the Japanese restaurants?

Caption contributed by the author              

Switzerland (THE IT OF THAT) - "The College frat houses bat and lab leak cover stories are just not working," admonished Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus, the World Health Organization (WHO) director general, “The Greek fraternities have to come clean as the true sources of the pandemic.” 

"We hope by adopting the Greek alphabet that identifies fraternities to also identify the variants, that process starts today, as does cleaning Covid-19 out of frat houses' refrigerators.” This point was made very explictily for attendees as the WHO director general accompanied his address with graphic images of Covid-19 infested refrigerators. 

“We hope by adopting the Greek alphabet that identifies fraternities to also identify the variants, that process starts today, as does cleaning out their refrigerators”

Greek fraternities were described as “hot houses” that both incubated and propagated the virus and then instigated the disinformation campaign to blame China through the bat and lab leak stories.

“Owning the pandemic was way too much, said Brett Havadraught, a self-described “frat enthusiast”

The frat houses have had a string of really high profile PR challenges, with drinking related hazing deaths leading to desertification on many college campuses.

Alcoholic blackouts, which proved an effective alibi for all manner of deviant and criminal behavior and White House Supreme Court vetting, simply were not going to be useful to obscure Greek frats' responsibility for launching a pandemic (πανδημία).

Some frat bros. rationalized their actions,  “Owning the pandemic was way too much," said Brett Havadraught, a self-described “frat enthusiast." Turning to guys on couch, Brett asked, “What does somebody have to do to get a cold one around here?”

Original Photo by Chander Mohan 

Caption contributed by the author              

West Texas (THE IT OF THAT) - "Thank you Amazon team for making this bladder demonstration possible", Former Amazon CEO, Jeff Bezos told an incredulous crowd as he stepped out of his Blue Origin capsule after his return to Earth.  "I have gone to great lengths to prove that none of you need the frequent piss breaks you have been bitching about."  

"Hey look, I went to space and held my piss..." 

Talking as if he was too rich to care, Bezos continued, to the horror of his PR director. "Hey look, I went to space and held my piss proving if you have the will there is a way", Bezos said proclaiming that Amazon is no place for workers with weak bladders. Bezos and crew reportedly held their need to expel bodily fluids for the entire 11 minute Body Fluid Demonstration (BFD). 

"Some little men ride motorcycles, to you know, compensate"

Onlookers initially were struck by the sight of phallically inspired projectile rising from the flat West Texas landscape seeking to penetrate space. "Some little men ride motorcycles, to you know, compensate", said Sadie Wilborn, a West Texas native and first time rocket observer. Her friend, Annie Richards added, "That's true, but around here, if I had a nickel for every sawed off sausage who packed his "manhood" in a holster, I'd be rich enough to have my own goddamn rocket!"

Original Photo of Jeff Bezos by James Dunkin Davidson under a Creative Commons license

Caption contributed by the author              

New York (THE IT OF THAT) - "Remember to smile for your prison mugshot," taunted Leona Helmsley enjoying the news of the Trump Corporation, doing business as (d/b/a) the Trump Organization, the Trump Payroll Corporation, (d/b/a) the Trump Organization and CFO Allen Weisselberg were indicted on fifteen federal counts including criminal tax fraud, conspiracy and grand larceny, like the ones that landed her in prison. Donald famously excoriated Leona calling her a "disgrace to humanity" for her tax cheating conviction.

"Donny's pretending to be smart, tough and successful is laughable. None of that is true. When I call him an absolute idiot, I'm joining the majority" 

"Donny's pretending to be smart, tough and successful is laughable. None of that is true. When I call him an absolute idiot, I'm joining the majority"

"How the story of his demise unfolds is the part I will enjoy the most," confided Leona. "Isn't it beautiful that Giuliani had his law license suspended! He won't be available to defend Donny in New York courts. Rudy prosecuted me, you know. Boy has he deteriorated, what a disaster! Do you think he could spring for some Gas X, pay for a dye job or stay out of Borat movies?" 

"Here's something to consider Donny, '' said his onetime real estate rival, "Convicted felons in New York can not have alcohol licenses, and because most of my hotels had bars, I had to give up my empire." "Do you need me to translate Donny?"

"Convicted felons in New York can not have alcohol licenses and because most of my hotels had bars, I had to give up my empire."

"So you think that Trump will be charged and convicted?" asked reporter Bronan Feral. "He signed many of the illegal compensation checks himself, what a loser," Helmsley exclaimed. "Even I didn't do that and I was convicted."  

"What did you learn from your very public humiliation?" asked Feral. "That the little people do pay taxes and that is why they don't go to jail."

"When God created Trump, the world received no favors.” 

"Final thoughts, Leona?" 

"When God created Trump, the world received no favors.” Feral laughed while Helmsley continued, "Oh what did he always say about Hillary, Lock her up? That is what I say to Trump now, Lock him up!" 

Caption contributed by the author              

New York (THE IT OF THAT) - "My philanthropy has always been guided by a desire to build better societies," said George Soros referencing the 32 billion dollars he has donated in his lifetime, "I am greatly concerned for the plight of the fascist, communist and nationalist rulers who will be bereft of a prominent Jew to blame for the inevitable failure of their anti-democratic policies that do nothing to alleviate the misery of those they are sworn to serve when I pass away."

"I am greatly concerned for the plight of the fascist, communist and nationalist rulers who will be bereft of a prominent Jew to blame... when I pass away."

"To that end I am announcing a world wide search for the chosen one, a Jewish child, who intellectually challenged authoritarian politicians including Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin, XI Jingping, Recep Tayyip Erdoğan, Viktor Orbán, Newt Gingrich, Ron DeSantis, Greg Abbott, Ted Cruz, Marjorie Taylor Greene, Matt Gaetz, Paul Gosar, Louie Gohmert and right wing media "entertainers" including Glenn Beck, Alex Jones, Ann Coulter, Tucker Carlson, Dinesh D'Souza and Joseph diGenova will be able to direct all their antisemitic conspiracy fantasies on for decades, thereby leaving the rest of humanity to live in peace and prosperity." 

"I feel a great responsibility having replaced the Rothschilds in the pantheon of Jewish villians," continued the Holocaust survivor and passionate anti-communist, "with this action I will ensure that antisemites capacity for illogical maniacal hatred is diverted away from humanity for the forseeable future."

"I feel a geat responsibility having replaced the Rothschilds in the pantheon of Jewish villains"

Soros's philanthropic efforts as noted in Wikipedia:

By 2017, his donations "on civil initiatives to reduce poverty and increase transparency, and on scholarships and universities around the world" totaled $12 billion.[21] 

He influenced the collapse of communism in Eastern Europe in the late 1980s and early 1990s,[22] and provided one of Europe's largest higher education endowments to the Central European University in his Hungarian hometown.[23]

In September 2006, Soros pledged $50 million to the Millennium Promise, led by economist Jeffrey Sachs to provide educational, agricultural, and medical aid to help villages in Africa enduring poverty. The New York Times termed this endeavor a "departure" for Soros whose philanthropic focus had been on fostering democracy and good government, but Soros noted that most poverty resulted from bad governance.[280]

Time magazine in 2007 cited two specific projects—$100 million toward Internet infrastructure for regional Russian universities, and $50 million for the Millennium Promise to eradicate extreme poverty in Africa—noting that Soros had given $742 million to projects in the U.S., and given away a total of more than $7 billion.[278]

Other notable projects have included aid to scientists and universities throughout central and eastern Europe, help to civilians during the siege of Sarajevo, and Transparency International. Soros also pledged an endowment of €420 million to the Central European University (CEU).

In August 2009, Soros donated $35 million to the state of New York to be earmarked for underprivileged children and given to parents who had benefit cards at the rate of $200 per child aged 3 through 17, with no limit as to the number of children that qualified. An additional $140 million was put into the fund by the state of New York from money they had received from the 2009 federal recovery act.[48]

Since 2016, Soros has been donating sums exceeding $1 million to the campaigns of progressive criminal justice reform proponents through the Safety and Justice PAC in local district attorney elections. In many districts, such large contributions were unprecedented and the campaigning strategy was "turned on its head" with a focus on incarceration, police misconduct and bail system, according to the Los Angeles Times.[111][112] 

Original Photo of George Soros by Michael Wuertenberg

swiss-image.ch under a Creative Commons license

Caption contributed by the author